I just got married on the 27th. It was at the courthouse, and the only people in attendance were my dad and his parents. I didn’t tell anyone before hand, but made an announcement to my friends and the rest of the family afterward.
Now I’m hearing a few noises of complaint that I did not create a registry. I’m not a big fan of registries to start with, to be honest. They just seem like a gift grab to me. But whatever other people do is their business.
I expect no gifts from anyone. If anyone does give me a gift, I am happy with whatever they choose to give from their heart. I know a few people will probably just give cash (family) and that’s ok too. Gift cards are ok. A loving beautiful card is ok. A big hug is fine too! We’ve been together a long time and whatever we need, we buy.
Was I supposed to make a registry? Rest assured, I still don’t intend to - if it seemed like a gift grab before it definitely will be one now! Do people make registries for such tiny weddings? There is also going to be a party thrown later in the year by my mother-in-law and I don’t intend to make a registry for that, either. Same rules apply - if you want to give a gift, I am super appreciative, but I’d love to have you either way!
No reception. The party in August is going to basically be a sort of reception, I guess, in that I am inviting family to it.
I mean, are people so far gone that they can’t tell what kind of gifts I would like, if they are so inclined to give me one? These are not strangers asking, these are close friends - I wouldn’t expect even casual friends to give me a gift. And in the end you could just give me an Amazon card.
But I swear I am telling the truth when I say nothing or a card is just as good! Sentiments in a card mean way more anyway.
Nah - not IMHO. I’ve known a number of people that had simple services, including some like you that had been together a long time before tying the knor and I’d say only a minority bothered with registries. If you don’t want or need stuff, there is no need to functionally solicit stuff.
As I understand it, registries are never required. And I’m pretty sure for some folks, they are nothing but a gift grab - criminy, I’ve heard of registries for kids’ birthday parties and housewarmings and graduations and all manner of greedy occasions. If I recall etiquette guidance, one *may *create a registry but it’s up to whoever is hosting the occasion (wedding, shower, whatever) to let guests know if they ask.
In your case, see if several folks close to you can let everyone know your feelings about gifts. And if asked directly, come up with a version of “I’m inviting you because you are dear to me. All I want is for you to share the occasion with us.”
And be sure to write appropriate thank-you notes, but then you know that.
Second, my wife and I felt the same way, but our married friends (which is pretty much all of them) independently and unanimously agreed that many people are going to insist on sending you a gift, even if you instruct them not to, so that being the case you may as well receive something you actually want.
We ended up making a registry on Amazon, populated with a lot of small, inexpensive gifts ($20 and under), but for laughs we put a few relatively expensive items on there (Le Creuset cookware, fancy lawn chairs, etc.). Interestingly, items were actually bought in descending order of price, and now we have a pretty enviable cookware set in our kitchen that we could have never afforded on our own. Funny.
DCnDC’s experience matches my own. People are going to get you gifts no matter how much you protest, and registries are also for the benefit of the giver. So if someone asks for a registry, let them have it. The giver will know for a fact that you will enjoy a gift listed explicitly on your registry. Some people don’t like to go through the what-ifs and maybe-this maybe-that of gift giving, and the registry makes it simple for them. They don’t have to try and remember your favorite color or exactly what pattern your curtains have or what sort of pillows you had on your couch, and did you like peaches or apples best? to try and match what you have tastefully.
And yes, you’ll be surprised how generous people are. We also put a couple large items on our list thinking “this is much too high” that were snapped up immediately. So we too have a very nice cooking set we wouldn’t normally have been able to afford for a while.
No registries ever and I’ve been married twice. First time was in 1993; we invited 40 people. Second time was in 2009; we invited a grand total of 11 people to the wedding including ourselves.
I’ve been around so many wedding registries that WERE blatant gift grabs, it scarred me from ever wanting to do the same even when I had genuine need. Example? The bride who acknowledged that she had everything she needed but told me solemnly, “I’m a bride, so I deserve all new things.” She then invited me to two showers plus the wedding (I was not an attendant, just a friend of her husband-to-be) and provided me with copies of her registries plural, on which the cheapest items were $50. :eek:
If people are going to give you gifts, providing them a way to coordinate isn’t bad.
I know that when I do Christmas shopping, I will sometimes want to try and find out what the others are getting, because certain gifts for certain people seem like the obvious choice. “Bob has been talking about getting into beer brewing all year, to everyone he meets. I bet he’s going to have 10 people, each buying him a different brewing kit.” For example.
Really, it would make sense for us to all have registries for birthdays, Christmas, etc. so that people aren’t feeling bad about not being able to think of anything - despite knowing you well - or to avoid duplications. So if your only objection is that you’d feel like you were pushing people to give you stuff, just send the link to the people that you’re pretty damn sure will be buying you gifts, no matter what, and maybe include an explanation for why you’re creating it.
Of course, personally, I like free stuff. (But I also like finding cool stuff to get people, so it balances out.)
Registries seem kind of crass, but they do help people pick out something that you’ll actually want. I hate shopping, so I’m generally in favor of things that allow me to do less of it. Having said that, for very close and dear friends, I usually make a point NOT to use the registry since I know them so well, and it’s not such a chore to get them something. Often it might be a gift certificate at a restaurant I know they’d like or something like that. Something that isn’t a “thing” is best, since most of us already have too many “things”.
Had a quickie wedding at the courthouse 26 years ago. Decided one month in advance. 23 guests, including ourselves. No registry. We just wanted people to come if they could. Most gave a card and cash. We also got a ceramic garden gnome and a blanket. My mom bought the dinner. I think that was it.
I’m going to a family wedding this weekend for a distant cousin I could not pick out of a lineup. $20 and a card with a note and I’m good to go.
Your guests who are berating you for not having a registry are nutz.
I am in favor of registries, even for small weddings.
I don’t understand the idea that having a registry is a Gift Grab, because my experience is that many people enjoy giving gifts, and helping celebrate weddings.
Having said that, at the Bridal Shower I attended recently for a small wedding, I think there was 1 Registry Gift, 1 practical gift, 1 yarn-y gift certificate, 1 handmade item, and 1 set of whimsical tea towels.
And one “Crap! I forgot this was the shower, I left my gift at home”, maybe two.
(But I also like finding cool stuff to get people, so it balances out.)