I’m probably going to look hypocritical here, having gone on the record as saying the registries are tacky, but I do like the Chinese / Vietnamese custom of accepting money as a present.
Now, normally I find gifts of money very vulgar, but in the context of these Asian weddings (of which I’ve been to dozens), the system actually works. Although I’m not fond of big weddings, most of my Vietnamese and Chinese friends and acquaintances like them. And we’re talking really big weddings here. Hundreds of guests.
Essentially, the money pays for the wedding. The couple gets their once-in-a-lifetime party to end all parties which will cost anything up to A$20 000 (I think about US$13 000), and the guests get a good night out, and the families usually nearly break even. Usually A$100 per couple is the norm.
Also, because the wedding is so big, there is a good chance you won’t know the bride and groom well, so buying a personalised gift is a bit iffy.
I am sick to death of being told what to buy and where every time someone gets married, has a baby, has a baby that graduates, has a baby that gets married, has a baby that has a baby ad nauseum.
I always buy a gift from the heart, and if it is less than stellar, or impersonal, or not needed, then perhaps I really don’t know you well enough to be invited to send you or your children gifts of your coosing all of these lovely celebrations.
Registry cards/announcements included in these invitations are beyond tacky.
Thank you, Caprigenus Chevre for the opportunity to vent on a topic that has long been a frustrating peeve.
Caprigenus Chèvre, I’m sure your heart is in the right place. And your points are pretty well made.
OTOH, when you’ve sent out your invites and the 50th guest asks where you’re registered (or, lacking that, asks you what you’d like - and yes, there are people who’ll not take “just a gift from the heart” as an answer), you’ll see that registries are extremely practical things for both parties. It’s just one damn less thing to worry about when arranging a wedding. I did not like the idea of a registry when sweet Shayna and I married, and I am very happy she convinced me otherwise.
(Obviously, saying - or even thinking - less of a gift because it wasn’t on the registry is beyond the pale. There may be other reasons to dislike a gift, but that ain’t one of them.)
In a perfect world, obviously everyone can figure out the perfect gift for any occasion. In this less than ideal one, however, giving those who can’t a bit of help shouldn’t be considered tacky. It’s just one of these nuts-and-bolts things that make it easier to focus on the main event of the day.
^I actually have no problem telling 250 people that I don’t have a registery. The principal will always over ride a few minor technical problems.
I also have problems inviting people that have that little knowledge of my partner or myself (either/or) that they don’t even know what to get us as a gift. There comes a point when guest start becoming filler.
I think you’re still missing the point. We did not get around to registering. At some point, one of the guests was apparently comparing notes and mentioned a specific pattern from a particular stoneware producer. From that point, it snowballed as people with shared contacts bought the same pattern so as to provide us a nearly complete set. Unfortunately, of the four patterns available that year, the one selected was the single one that just drives Deb up the wall. Had we registered and mentioned our pattern, all the same people would have made exactly the same choices regarding their gifts–and Deb would have received a pattern that would have delighted her for the last 20 years instead of making her grit her teeth.
No person was ever held to be “at fault” for the selected pattern. We truly appreciated that the guests expended the energy to attempt to find something that would help us get started in setting up house together (which the stoneware did) and in attempting to find pieces that match (which they do).
(And if you hold that “real” friends would know exactly the right stoneware patterns for each of their friends, I will laugh at such a silly claim. We had guests who were genuinely close–in the sense of constant/frequent correspondence by mail and phone–scattered across multiple states, who had not recently seen either of our separate households to know what we currently preferred.)
Demanding money? Stupid and tacky.
Dictating gifts? Stupid and tacky.
Providing a guide for those who wish to avail themselves of such guides? Practical. Actually gracious.
If you choose to avoid registry, there is no harm in that choice. When you then go on to declare your own moral superiority (which is what you are doing) by condemning even the possibility of such guides, you are simply expressing ignorant arrogance.
I totally agree with the OP. I don’t care if people have them, I really don’t. They are helpful in picking gifts and such, but I would not have one myself. I also don’t make Christmas lists, birthday lists, etc. It’s just how I am.
I’d like to ammend that upon more careful review of the OP. I don’t “totally agree”. I don’t believe registries dictate what people should buy or are tacky- I just am not comfortable doing one myself. I don’t think using one shows a lack of class or anything like that at all.
Well, for being tacky and rude, we got a lot of compliments at our wedding.
We asked for cash. “We’re registered at Norwest Bank account #123456”
Just about everyone of our guests thanked us and said that it sure made life simple.
Now, we were in a different situation: We were moving 10,000 miles away 2 months after the wedding. If you expect us to pay to ship electrical equipment that won’t work, glass that will just break or heavy cooking utensils overseas, you’re nuts. We were BROKE and starting a new life together far far away. The money we received paid for rent and food in Prague for 6 months while we searched for work and got settled. The money bought us security and peace of mind during a very scary time. Our friends and family helped us start a new life and for that we are eternally grateful to each and every one of them. Without them we would not have survived.
Just to add a bit of perspective, not everyone gave of cash. About 5 people insisted on giving us gifts. I’m sure they are nice ones too- once we return to the US I’ll unpack them.
I’m too practical to think that giving gifts that people want is a bad thing. In fact, I think that is rude to demand that the gift that you give should be accepted and cherished even if it is not wanted, needed, or expected. I’m sorry, but giving people crystal wine glasses when they need a microwave is silly.
Are you giving them a gift to help them out or to stroke your ego?
shrug I registered. We both knew that there were people coming to the wedding who wouldn’t know what to get us, but would want to get us something, and it provided them with options we wouldn’t hate.
We also got three hand mixers out of the “heartfelt” gifts. I thought it was funny, but I admit that twelve picnic baskets is more impressive.
We knew that there were guests flying in from the U.S. and from across Canada, and it was easier for them to buy something off the registry and have it shipped than carry a “special gift” on the plane.
We still got lots of lovely, non-registered things from our closest friends (even the lava lamp is kind of pretty) and we certainly didn’t advertise our registry. It just simplified the gift situation. And knowing my family, if we hadn’t registered we’d have gotten noodle-makers, icecream makers, and plastic needlepoint toilet roll covers.
I have to take issue with this. As I mentioned in my post, I don’t feel that the wedding should be all about me. I think that the wedding should be for the family, too. If my mom-in-law would like to invite her best pal, so be it. There were people at my wedding who knew my husband as a child, but due to divorces, moves, etc, hadn’t seen him for years. I would never ever consider them ‘filler’. I had a wonderful time meeting people that had been ‘missing in action’ for years.
In fact, one of the greatest compliments I have about my wedding is about what a wonderful time everyone had catching up with long lost people.
Just because they weren’t ‘special’ to me at the time, doesn’t mean that they aren’t special to the family.
I’m going to four weddings over the next three months:
One couple has specifically requested “no gifts,” on the grounds that they don’t need anything (when they moved in together, they had to get rid of a LOT of stuff), and has named several charities if anyone is just dying to spend on their wedding.
Very cool, although I secretly wonder if they won’t later regret not having sentimental mementos of that sort. (Not bread mixers.)
Another couple is my first cousin and his fiancee: they live 850 miles from me, and although I’ve obviously known my cousin my whole life and met his intended several times, it’s never been at their apartment. I always see him at large family gatherings, which were historically held at his prents’ house (holidays and such) or at other weddings, etc. I have no bloody idea either what they need or what their taste is. I’m going to call his mom today and see what the deal is for a registry. If I have essentially unlimited options, why should I get them something they’ll hate?
Another wedding is that of an old H.S. buddy whom I haven’t seen in years; I’m not the “primary” guest, but will go as the platonic “date” of a mutual friend who has kept in closer contact. Again, we were once very close friends, but life led us in separate directions, and I have no bloody idea what he would appreciate, and much less of what they already have and what the bride would appreciate.
The fourth is of an old college friend with whom I am still in regular contact, and I’ve met his fiancee several times. If it were just him, it would be easy: he’s a filthy rich, but workaholic investment banker, with excellent taste, but he really isn’t terribly domestic and has no need for kitchen equipment, etc. His fiancee is about to move in with him, and although I know her personality fairly well, I’ve never been to her apartment and know nothing either about what she has or her taste in home furnishings. They are the easiest ones for whom to buy a “gift from the heart,” probably something on the artistic side; she finally made him go out and buy furniture after 3 years of living in a gorgeous, but essentially empty apartment, so it’s not terribly homey.
Registries can sometimes be a terribly handy thing. I’d much rather buy something I know will be appreciated and used than be the purchaser of the 12th picnic basket. Off to call my aunt to see about my cousin’s registry…
Registries definitely rub me the wrong way. My girlfriend just got married this month, and she was registered at Kohls and Target. I found it helpful for the shower (don’t even get me started on the idea of showers - she had two of them), but I didn’t go near it when I chose her wedding present.
I’m only 19, and I’ve only been to three weddings that I can remember, so I’m certainly no expert on etiquette or what have you. But I think that it’s rude to expect gifts at all. After the wedding, my girlfriend told me that she hadn’t known the names of over half the people who went through the receiving line - and her husband knew even fewer than that. I don’t understand wanting to celebrate your most special day with strangers - it becomes blatantly obvious that all you care about is gifts. Actually, at one point before the wedding, I heard my friend say, “I just really want to open all my presents right now!” Ick.
I think it was somewhat understandable in her case because they’re both very young and poor. But I think that when people who have been living together for a year decide to have a big wedding and register for expensive gifts, they come across as really selfish.
I guess everyone has different ideas of what is and isn’t tacky. I just know that I will not be registered and I will not have a shower. And that I’ll have a small wedding with close friends and close relatives.
Making a registry is not the same as “expecting presents,” “forcing guests to buy things off a list,” etc etc. Making a registry is providing a way for those guests who desire guidance in their free and willing choice to give you something. Of course, the proper way to do it is NOT to announce where you’re registered, but rather to inform those close friends and family who are involved in planning the wedding, so that others who wish to come by the information may inquire themselves.
I’m getting married in 2 months. I didn’t want to register for a variety of reasons. Chief among them were: we have everything we need since we’ve been keeping house for 4 years, the effort involved in choosing things to register, and the fact that we don’t expect gifts.
However, it became difficult not to register, due to pressure from his family, who really expected a registry. I finally realized that while we don’t expect to receive gifts, other people expect to give us gifts, and they seem to genuinely want some guidelines.
So we registered.
We’ll be very happy to receive the things we’ve registered for, as well as anything someone wants to get us that’s not on the registry. And we’ll be equally happy to just have the gift of their company at the wedding.
I think the clincher for us was the realization that in registering we were alleviating some of the anxiety our guests were feeling when wondering what to give as a gift. If that means my towels will finally match after all these years, I’m happy to do it!
Question:
For couples who’ve been living together for awhile and have all the essentials, is it tacky to ask for something like wine so you can start a nice vintage collection or something? That way everyone can bring one bottle and the price is up to them and it doesn’t matter if two people buy the same vintage.
Or is it tacky to ask “please no gifts, no cash, nothing please, just grace us with your presence”?
I would dread getting more stuff 'cause we already have what we like, we don’t want to change it, and we don’t want more stuff, since we have no place to put it.
(Granted we’d never get married anyway, but just hypothetically speaking…)
I heartily disagree with the OP. I will always bring a gift to the wedding unless specifically asked not to do so (as I suspect most people would), and I don’t care if the couple takes that for granted–it’s tradition. I feel a “gift from the heart” is something that I know the person, couple, whatever will love and use. There are a very few people for whom I know what the perfect gift would be, because I’m not good at picking out gifts unless someone has specifically mentioned that they want something, so I find registries very useful.
And if money will make their transition to married life easier, I want them to tell me that as well.
If any ambiguity can be cleared up in any situation, I don’t see that as tacky, just practical and straightfoward.
The principal will always over ride a few minor technical problems.
