Wedding Registries are rude and just plain tacky.

In My Humble Opinion
41

I completely, 100% agree with tomndebb.

I think the OP is missing the point. No one is requiring a gift off the list before admission to the wedding. If done in the “Miss Manners Approved” fashion, it’s helpful and not tacky.

I agree that only registering for outrageously priced gifts is obnoxious but the problem takes care of itself because the happy couple won’t receive many of their selected items. I’d say that receiving four items from a 250-guest wedding would give the happy couple a clue that they may be jackasses.

Also, mikeG go to Replacementslimited.com. They specialize in finding discontinued patterns. I have used them and they’re great.

42

Well, we bought our first house and moved three states away about six months before we got married. We’d each been living on our own for years, so we had the basics. Our apartments had been furnished in Early American Garage Sale, though, so most of it was old, shabby, and mismatched.

Our friends and relatives all wanted to help us upgrade our stuff so that our new home would look nice. We didn’t ask, expect or demand that they do so, they wanted to. But most of them had never seen our new house. Heck, because of distance and what-all, a lot of them had never seen our old apartments, either. There was absolutely no way for them to get us stuff that would look nice in our new space, with our other stuff, without some guidance.

So, at their request, I provided that guidance. We got a lot of stuff we hadn’t registered for, and some of it we love dearly. His grandmother made us a gorgeous quilt designed to go with our living room, and my dad made us a gorgeous quilt rack that matches our crown molding to hang it on. One of my best friends got us a souvenir picture frame from the French Quarter (we got married in New Orleans) to put a wedding snapshot in.

Of course, we also got stuff like crystal bowls that don’t go with anything we own and don’t suit either of our tastes. We got candlesticks we’ve never used. We got a toaster, very similar to the one I gave away when we moved. We got a very frilly, fussy, lace-and-ribbon trimmed photo album for our wedding pictures that has only been out of its box twice.

Nobody wants to think that their gift is sitting somewhere gathering dust until the next garage sale or trip to Goodwill. People generally want to give you stuff you’ll use and love, and even those who know you and love you and are close to you miss the mark in spectacular fashion from time to time. If you buy something off the registry, you know that it’s something the recipient will use and love, at least for a while. Giving someone that kind of reassurance, especially about something like a wedding gift, seems far more like a courtesy than a tackiness.

43

Thanks for the links. Those places can sometimes get you a piece or two you need but they ream you mercilessly for a whole place setting.

As for the sly dig at our choice of china registration, Some of the heartfelt gifts we received were far far more expensive than the china would have been, e.g. a set of waterford crystal goblets that did not match the ones we registered for (and already had a few that we used) but were like 200 per glass.

Her family was very well off and we ended up with thousands of dollars of merchandise we had no use for, no place to store, and in many cases were duplicates and sometimes triplicates of things we already had. It kinda sucked as we felt it even more tacky to sell the gifts that they bought us so it stayed in storage for years.

And the four place settings came from one guest :slight_smile:

44

That comment was not directed toward you in any way. Sorry if it seemed like it. In rereading your post, I see the 4 and 250 similarity, but I was talking about people who received a total of 4 things, not just place settings. I assume you received more off your list than place settings. In any event, it was hypothetical.

45

A friend married this year, and I had a glance at her registry. Then I called her: “If you relly want a Cuisinart, you’ll need to find richer friends.What else would you enjoy?” She said “we just registered to shut the rellies up. You know what we’d really like? Wine.” :stuck_out_tongue: I obliged, happily. I think wine will be my go-to gift from now on.

I recognize that I’m a big meanie but registries requesting $300 mixers and $75 towels annoy me. Just because you want to register your emotions with your religious and/or civil authorities does not entitle you to pricey swag. It may be customary to gift the newly bonded, but the entitlement attitude does get to me.

Want a Kitchenaid mixer? Buy it your own darn self!

46

Hah! As a friend told me: “After the wedding, we had the most amazing collection of hand-made, mouth-blown designer wine glasses. We also had absolutely NO cash for good wine to drink out of them, having spent it all on wedding & honeymoon.” So a box of good red wine - preferably a vintage that can be enjoyed now, not in 5 years - became my standard wedding gift.

47

I guess what I resent about the OP is the implication that those of us who registered (or, in our case, created our own “wish list” website with links to online stores) either expected gifts, demanded that only gifts from our list be purchased, or that we didn’t appreciate every single gift, whether from the list or not.

We have several friends and family members who didn’t buy us a thing. So what? <shrug> And while we use every single thing we got from our wish list and think of the friends or family who so generously gave them to us every time we use them, we are just as thrilled with all the other gifts we received that were “from the heart,” as well.

Since others are mentioning “not on the registry” gifts that sucked, let me counter with some of our “not on the list” gifts that were truly amazing and very, very special to us: [ul] [li]A personalized, engraved silver picture frame (from Johnny L.A.!) that is prominently displayed in our living room with honor.[/li][li]An antique sterling silver spoon, originally given as a wedding gift in 1872 to a couple who were married for 49 years, until their deaths just a few weeks apart. (It came accompanied by a hisory.)[/li][li]Several beautiful vases that adorn our living room.[/li][li]An antique cut crystal decanter, personally picked out by one of Thomas’s “biker” friends from a little antique store in Denmark. It’s gorgeous and also on prominent display along with the Waterford crystal “wedding” champagne flutes given to us by my aunt and uncle (also not “registered” for).[/li][li]A kindof rubbery cake form, shaped like a heart, which came with a recipe for “Love Pudding”. (So sweet!) [/ul] To reiterate, we didn’t create a “registry” or “wish list” because we expected people to buy us gifts, let alone only those things on our list. We did so because in some cases, to some people, it made it easier on them to decide what to buy, if they were going to buy us something, or, to have an easier way to send it to us. And in our world, anything you can do to make life easier for those you love should be done, and done gladly. I hardly think there’s anything “tacky” about that.[/li]
Eats_Crayons, our wish list included “wine”, and like you suggested, it was left up to the person buying it what vintage/price range/etc., if that was their choice to send us. However, we also included links to several online “gifts of wine” or “wine club” sites, as options, that were in California (where we live) to save people the trouble of finding a place that could (or would) ship to us here. (Sadly, we didn’t end up getting any, though. :sad: ) We also listed links to “coffee of the month” clubs because we love drinking coffee and trying new ones. And even though you’ve already got an established household and think you have everything you could ever want or need, I assure you, if you sat down and gave it some thought, you’d find that that’s probably not true. A couple of examples… Spiny and I love artichokes. Well, as easy as it is to put some butter in a small bowl and melt it in the microwave, it’s way more fun to use the cool butter warmers we got from Mauvaise, which were on our “wish list”, and which, practically speaking, keep the butter melted the whole time, instead of congealing halfway through the meal. Thomas thought I was being silly putting a stainless steel water pitcher on our wish list – certainly we can fill water glasses at the sink (and both of us always had). He will be the first to admit, it was probably the best thing I put on the list – we use it every single solitary day, for every meal. We LOVE having it!

About the only thing against registries posted here that I’ll agree with are people who only register for expensive gifts. Our wish list had stuff on it as low as $3.95, and most things were in the $20 - $50 range. We did put a few “pricey” things on there because we knew there would be people who would either want to get us something more expensive, or would want to go in together with other people. But yes, registries should encompass all price points, not just the outrageously expensive china, crystal and appliances.

P.S. If anyone would like to see the site I created, to perhaps copy the concept for yourselves or pass along to a friend getting married, just drop me an email and I’ll send the link. Shayna61 at yahoo.com .

On Preview: Hi, Honey! You’ve just given me a great idea what we could send to Billy and Jean! <Mwuaah!>

48

Actually, both Sniffs_Markers and I loathe the thought of other people buying appliances, bath stuff – any home improvement-type stuff – for us, without us there. We both love getting that stuff ourselves. We enjoy trolling the fancy kitchen stores and coming home carrying a box with our newest acquisition. That would be lost if people bought it for us. Even if we first did the shopping and then registered the stuff we liked… it’s just not the same.

Now, (strange coincidence) Markers and I both grew up as little girls who hated the very notion of “weddings.” Our family members will attest to that and can confirm that we both declared “weddings? yuck!” at the age of six years or younger. So while there is certainly no commitment ceremony forthcoming for us two. However, for the sake of hypothetical discussion, we pretended we did like weddings so we could say “what would you do in that situation?”…

Sniffs_Markers really likes the “vintages” idea too (although she said she’d expand it a little so that people could also choose to bring XO Cognacs, or nice Armagnacs). People could bring their favourites, or they could bring someting fancier to “lay down” in the wine rack for a few years. If your favourite is a $7 bottle and you think it’s really yummy, then that’s grand! If you want to spring for a $200 vintage… well, we’d think you’re a little nuts, but we’d most definitley appreciate the gesture. But like Shayna restrained registry, no one needs to break the bank trying to finance some pricey kitchen appliance or spend a week’s salary on one bottle of champagne, you’d only need to bring something you feel is suitable that you’d like to share so you’d be free to be comfortably restrained in your spending.

Extra-bonus #1: It would make no difference if more than one person bought the same thing.

Extra-bonus #2: You’d then be able to have some fine stuff to share with guests that visit your home, or something to offer for other special occasions. To be really appreciated, a fine vintage should be shared with good company and it would certainly be rewarding to share your vintage gifts with good friends.

The only downside is that it may be a conflict of interest for some religions and/or recovering alcoholics. In our social circles it would be okay, but the “vintages collection” in lieu of “registry” would not work for everyone.

Shayna Oo! I’m jealous about the butter warmers!

49

Jeremy and I registered for a few reasons:

  1. It’s important for us, as a gay couple who will be legally married, to do a lot of the more fun things that straight couples get to do before the big day. One of these is the registry. Usually it’s the woman who really gets into it, and the man just goes along to nod and say, “Yes, dear.” Well, imagine two gay men with a bar code scanner. It was thrilling, I tell you.

  2. Related to 1. above, it was also important for us to register with the oldest and largest department store chain in Canada as a gay couple who are getting legally married. As it turns out, we’re the first male couple to register at the downtown Montreal Bay. (Although matt_mcl doesn’t believe us :rolleyes:.)

  3. It’s a gay wedding. People are going to be wondering which traditions we’re going to go with, which ones we’re not, what the ceremony is going to be like, and if we’re going to be doing things like having a receiving line, tossing miscellaneous articles of clothing into a crowd of single people, doing the clinking-utensils-on-glasses-for-a-kiss, having a spotlight dance, and so on. (Rest assured, our guests will be able to go with it.) So why put those who wish to buy us gifts in an awkward situation as to what to give a gay couple? (For the record, our registry is pretty much the same as anyone else’s - but we generally have better taste in our selections ;))

  4. Even among our gay friends, there are some people who, unfortunately, think this is a bit of a joke. “Oh, isn’t that cute, they’re engaged.” Yeah, we’re engaged. We’re going to be legally married because the government of this wonderful, progressive country will be writing recent court rulings into law. But some people still don’t get it. So, a registry does make it seem more “real” that we’re getting married.

  5. Various other reasons.

50

You said this part better than I could, so I’m going to reiterate it. The only way anyone would have known that my husband and I had registered was if they asked our parents, which meant they specifically expected that we would have registered somewhere and wanted to know. We wouldn’t dream of sending out that info in the invitations.

And as for the accusations against those who registered for expensive stuff, we registered for towels , glasses, and tools around $5, up to place settings of china. We got gifts from across the price spectrum, and had emphasized the less expensive gifts.

Some of our non-registry gifts were the best, especially a handmade quilt from an aunt of mine, or a carved wooden spoon with our names and wedding date on it from an uncle.

I always look through the registry to see what our friends want, and then pick something “appropriate” from us. Then I add something special to personalize it. Friends of ours getting married soon got the big set of beer mugs they wanted, and will be getting some homebrew as well.

51

Gift registries are a tool. They give a very nice guide of what the couple likes/needs but you are not forced to buy anything at all nevermind something from the list.

For everyone who says that the gift buyer should know the people or ask the family for gift ideas… This is why I hate Christmas. I have a bunch of people scheduling through me the gifts they want to give my kid. Then I have two grandmas calling me and telling me they bought the same toy and then I have to tell one that it’s been bought. Every year I have the same mantra - no I do not allow sandboxes - and someone always tries to buy one. If I had to be the go-between for 200 wedding shopping guests I’d be insane.

I did not register for our wedding but not because I disapprove of registries. I also did not have a shower and forgot that was not the only gift portion of the wedding. Our guests almost unanimously told us: “You didn’t register anywhere so we just gave you cash.” The few non cash gifts we got were sentimental (handmade blankets and our invitation charred and mounted, crystal candlesticks and bride/groom bears.) We were lucky we didn’t get 8 toasters and 22 gravy boats all in different patterns.

When I am invited to gift occasions I always look for a registry. Then I pick something and customize the gift from me. A friend had some pizza pans on her list so I got them and then everything else non perishable that you’d need to make pizza (spices/recipes/flour/oven mitts/…) and put it together in a basket. If I buy someone towels they also get soaps and lotions to match.

It does irk me though when nothing on the registry is under $100.

I did register for our baby shower. That was fun. We ran around with the barcode scanner like kids in a candy store. I was thankful for everything we got wether it was on the list or not but I must say it was nice to not have gotten 4 swings or 3 strollers. Not only would that have been awkward at the shower it would have been a nightmare for us to return the stuff as I got pretty sick right after the shower and was stuck on bedrest until the baby came. Most of my childless friends/relatives were very happy for this registry as the baby stores get overwhelming when you don’t have any idea what some of the stuff is for!

I do completely ignore baby shower registries now that I have babies. I make a basket of all the things hubby and I ran out of/discovered we needed at 2:00am and then add stuff that you can never have too much of or things I didn’t know I needed until someone gave them to me. I’ve had lots of compliments on those baskets and many thank you’s after the baby arrives.

52

Amen to all of that, tom.

My wedding day’s well in the past, so at this point I only deal with registries (or their absence) as a giver. My wife and I frequently get invited to weddings of people we know well enough that we want to get them a gift, but not well enough to get them a “gift from the heart” that will turn out to be something they will like and use. (Eva Luna’s post contains good examples of the sorts of situations I mean, so I won’t pile on with more. Except one.)

My older sister just got married. I think the world of her, but Meg and I have always been just enough off-sync with one another that I’ve completely despaired of buying “from the heart” presents for her that she’ll like. (Our family trades lists each Christmas, thank goodness.) She and her new hubby didn’t register. My wife and I are stumped as to what to get her, and my little sister (who is closer to Meg than I am) and her husband are in the same situation. It’s driving us all nuts. Thank goodness we’ve got a year. A registry would have been very thoughtful.

53

Do they like to cook? Whenever I’m stumped, I tend to buy a cookbook, either one of the big, basic ones (like The Joy of Cooking) if the couple are beginner cooks, or something more esoteric if there’s a particular kind of food they like. Put a nice mushy inscription in the front, and it’s a gift they will treasure for many years to come! And very little risk of them already having the same one. I gave one to another cousin this year; she loves good food, but never really cooked much growing up and was completely intimidated by the entire prospect. I put in a mushy inscription about how if they tried one new recipe a week, the darn thing ought to carry them through until their 50th anniversary. She loved it! And it has both “beginner” recipes and more advanced things, for all possible occasions.

Or if you are willing to spend a bit more cash, you could get several, or a cookbook with some of the more esoteric ingredients its recipes require, if it’s something ethnic.

54

I agree with you Caprigenus Chèvre I think they are tacky.
If you are on the guest list then you should know the bride/groom well enough to know some of their likes and dislikes. There are also a lot of “general” gifts you can give that go with any decor.

55

Eva Luna, I probably enjoy cooking at least as much as they do, but my cookbooks mostly gather dust. If I try something new, it’s most likely to be a recipe I saw in the newspaper.

They like music. They play a lot of bluegrass/folk/country/oldtimey stuff; they met through music. She plays a few instruments; he plays a bunch of them. If I knew where they shopped for instruments or took them to get repaired, I’d get them a gift certificate to that store. But they live 500+ miles away, in a town I’ve never been to, so I haven’t a clue. And last time I heard some music that I thought, “that’s right up her alley,” and gave it to her, she later gave it back to me to give to someone else, because she didn’t like it much.

My little sister visited them this spring, and scoped out their place in hopes of noticing stuff they didn’t have but could use. Came away without ideas - and she’s much better at this than I am.

Isabelle - yeah, sure. Maybe my sister shouldn’t have invited immediate family to her wedding. And ‘general’ gifts that go with any decor, but aren’t particularly needed, are going to sit in a closet. Whoopee.

56

Want that $400 KitchenAid mixer? No problem. Want 1000-count satin sheets costing more than I make in a week? Go for it, and good luck.

Just do your friends and family a favor and include $5 oven mitts and similarly inexpensive items.

And pray that you don’t wind up like my brother and his new wife did 15 years ago - even with a registry, they wound up with three banquet table warmer trays. (An item from a bygone era - a roughly 1x2 foot glass-surfaced tray that keeps stuff on it warm for serving) Apparently, either three people bought the trays at the same time, or the registry didn’t get updated, or more likely, folks saw the item in the list and bought it elsewhere for less.

Of course, the real fun is with gay joinings. For us, it was “We already have two KitchenAid mixers! We don’t need another!” :smiley:

57

Another nice detail about registries is that you can buy it at the store or order it online and have it mailed to the couple’s house. Have you married folks forgotten about carrying all the stuff out to the car? I think it makes things easier for the couple and for everyone else cause they don’t have to help load up the car. If everything is UPSed to their house, it’s all done. This is the biggest reason my wife likes to shop from registries cause she remembers carrying a bunch of stuff home (and we really didn’t get that much).

58

(Full disclosure- I’m Wedding #1 in Eva Luna’s list.)

The fact that neither the bride nor groom in your scenario knew most of the guests suggests very strongly that the in-laws dictated the guest list. Which, as everyone who has ever attempted to plan a wedding with more than five guests knows, is the most controversial part. Before you judge your friend too harshly, consider that she has to stand around in a dress that, quite frankly, is not designed for comfort, and make nice-nice with a bunch of total strangers invited by her parents or her new husband’s parents, or possibly both, and probably after a huge fight over things like whether Aunt Darlene and her 12 kids who they haven’t seen in 15 years really has to be invited. It’s draining, and the prospect of opening up boxes of new toys is far more appealing.

And, as someone who is planning a wedding with no gifts, I can tell you unequivocally that no matter how much you insist on no gifts and try to push alternatives (such as charitable donation), you will still find people who insist on giving you gifts. It doesn’t matter how strongly you insist. They will insist on giving you gifts, and will be hurt if you don’t let them give you gifts. It’s weird, kind of like a compulsive disorder. So given that you will have people who insist on giving you gifts, it’s better to provide some guidance.

Now, you can get the gift thing wrong even with the registry. Case in point - a good friend of mine got married a few years ago. He was a relatively recent college grad, making decent money. I was several years older, and had already established a legal career. So I had a considerably larger annual income.

He and his intended had advertised their wedding website hosted on theknot.com, which, among other things, had a gift registry. When I went to the registry, the only things left appeared to be power tools of various kinds. Nice ones, too. I was kind of perplexed, but figured, hey, she has a largish family, maybe all of the conventional domestic stuff has already been purchased. So I bought a very nice drill for the happy couple. They registered for it so they must want it, right?

I later found out that his new wife was a little annoyed at my gift. Why, you may ask? Well, as she told him “the one friend of yours who could actually AFFORD to get me my crystal, and he gets YOU a drill!”

He still makes a point of telling me what all he did with the drill whenever we meet. :smiley:

59

We registered for a Cuisinart, and some very nice knives, because of the relatives who don’t like to spend less than $200 on a wedding gift. We also had $2 potholders. shrug

60

Same here, Lissla. There are napkin rings… an electric can opener… lots of little things under $20, some more substantial things around $50, some things around $100…

(Canadian dollars, of course.)

We hesitated to put “big ticket” items on the registry, but the consultant said, “Hey, you never know!” People often get together and chip in for a larger gift.

There’s a DVD player under $200 on the registry, but we’ll probably buy our own in the next year, so we’ll remove that from the list. The most expensive items are the KitchenAid mixer and a smaller TV for the bedroom.

If anyone thinks our registry is tacky, they can a) not ask anyone for the details on where we’re registered, and b) give us something from the heart (arts & crafts). We’re not getting married for the gifts, but last time I checked, wedding gifts were a tradition to (among other things) ensure that the new couple had all they needed to establish a happy home. I don’t see what the big deal is.