My fiancée an I have a couple of wedding etiquette questions.[ul][li]Should the gift registry information be include with the invitation?[/li][li]Is it permissible to indicate that single friends with no long-term “significant other” should not bring a date? If so, what’s the polite way of phrasing that?[/ul]Our answers were[ul][]Gift Registry - fiancée says yes, I say no. My opinion is that people should find out about registry information through “word of mouth”, or through our wedding web page (the URL will be included on a small insert along with the invitation.)[/li][]Fiancée says “we do not put ‘and Guest’ on the envelopes, and they will know not to bring someone. If they ask I’ll tell them we’re trying to keep the numbers down.” I think that’s not polite and that every guest should be allowed to bring a date.[/ul]What do the Teeming Millions say?
I agreee with you Arnie. No gift registry on the invite. It seems a bit tacky. the URL thing is sufficient. And word of mouth usually works great.
And everyone should be able to bring a guest, you never know, they might actually be dating someone, and they should have someone to converse with when the mingling hits low points. Just my opinions.
Madness takes it’s toll… So does New Jersey.
NO! That’s just plain tacky. Sorry to be so blunt. A wedding invitation is supposed to be something that, when received, the recipient will feel honored that you wish for them to share in your joy on your special day. Period. It’s NOT a request for gifts.
Anyone with half a brain will know that all they have to do is call any given store and ask for the bridal registry department and inquire as to whether or not you’re registered there. Some people will even be smart enough to ask you.
If you get gifts that are not on your registry and you don’t like them, tough noogies. Weddings aren’t supposed to be about the gifts!
Because weddings must be thrown within a budget, it is not impolite to exclude people from attending the reception who are not specifically invited. However, the ceremony itself should always be open to whomever wishes to attend and share the joy of your nuptials.
The future Mrs. Winkelreid is right about the exclusion of “And Guest” being an idicator that one is only being invited by themselves. You will, however, find that some people have no class and will do whatever they darn well please in spite of your most tactful requests. At some point you have to simply decide that those one or two (even if it turns out to be 10) extra people will not send you over the edge financially and that there are more important issues regarding a marriage and wedding ceremony than if someone doesn’t want to attend alone.
Frankly, I think it’s kindof (just kindof, because I do understand the budget issue) tacky to invite single people to come to weddings alone. It often makes the entire evening a complete bore because there is no one to dance with since most everyone else is paired up. And weddings are frequently unfun enough for single people, not to stick out like a sore thumb as the “yes, I’m still alone” person in the room. So perhaps you ought to see how many single people are on your list and how many extra people there would be if they all brought dates. It might not be that big of a deal numbers-wise afterall. And you will find that many of them won’t bring someone anyway. But it’s always nice for us to have a choice. 
“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank
“Mom, he’s a neo Nazi! He’s a doctor also? Well…” - WallyM7
Agree with psycat.
I suspect that most people would not notice the lack of “and guest” on an invitation.
**
I would say that you’re making the right call on this one. It would look tacky right on the invite, and even if it was not on your website, usually people just call to ask of such things.
That said, I think the whole idea of gift registry, while pretty accepted, is tacky in and of itself. A kid asking Santa for specific things is cure. Two adults saying, “Well, this is exactly what we want” is quite different.
Can you tell that I once got a late start on shopping for a wedding and I would up buying a gift that was twice I could afford because all the stuff I could afford were already snatched up? Uh huh…
I think that’s just rude, period. I mean, how do you decide arbitrarily what a long-term SO entails? For that matter, if I know you but am unlikely to know anyone else at the weding, why on earth don’t I want to take a guest so I’ll have SOMEONE I know there aside from one of the wedding couple?
Sorry, but it seems to be common knowledge that a person can take a guest to a wedding. If you cannot account for the amount of people you want to invite, then I suggest you chop a few invitees off your list. Anything else is tre tacky, IMHO.
That said, I don’t think it’s out of line to say “no kids” at the wedding, but I wouldn’t spell that out on the intite either. Anyone who assumes they can bring along the whole family without first asking you about it is a boob.
Yer pal,
Satan
Nope. Tacky, tacky, tacky.
Remember that a wedding gift is just that—a GIFT–not an entrance fee that you are owed. It is really tacky to mention gifts at all, I’m afraid, and makes you look greedy. People tend to resent being “instructed” about the gifts they give. If you can leave it to your guests to determine which gift they’d like to give, you’ll see that most times, they’ll figure out a way to find your registered list or URL on their own.
The polite way is exactly the way you’ve mentioned, by leaving off the words “And Guest”. But, as Shayna pointed out, folks will often do what they wish anyway. And I agree with her that despite budget restraints, it’s not a very attractive invitation if one must attend alone. I’d cut back on flowers or lace or something instead. (The way you treat people leaves more of a lasting impression than the design of the table centerpieces anyway.)
One really good book for all this stuff is “Miss Manners’ Guide to Weddings”. It’s not that she has come up with a long list of strict RULES per se, but that her logic with regards to treating other people in a dignified manner is impeccable.
Arnold 2
Future Mrs. Arnold 0 (although I’m sure she’s a wonderful person.)
On both counts, very rude. On #2, if cost is an issue, reduce the number of invited couples; don’t force people not to bring a date.
By the way, this wedding prep process you’re entering will be the most trying on your relationship yet. Wait till you have to decide on colors or napkin styles, or which people you’ll cut from the guest list to get it from the 1,000 people you know to the 150 you can afford.
It’ll be a great day in your life, though. Good luck!
Personally, I think that gift registries themselves are very tacky. A wish list like we used to do as kids for Christams is one thing–this is saying “you have no taste so buy these things for me off of this list.” I nevewr ever buy anything for friends off of them (in fact, since I am often travelling over 1000 miles for weddings these days, I write them a poem just for them and figure that my expenses ahve already been hiugh enough).
Why allow anyone to bring a guest? If I want Hank to come to my wedding but hate his wife Zelda, why should she get to be there? But, if she can be, why punish your single friends for being single.
In regards to kids, you could point out that no day care will be provided. On the other hand, in most cultures, it isn’t really a wedding without kids present.
Bucky
Gift registry does not go on the invitation, and you can’t even bring up that you have one in conversation unless they ask about it.
Fiancee is right when she says “we do not put ‘and Guest’ on the envelopes” but wrong when she continues with “and they will know not to bring someone.” Better figure out how to handle this, and parents who will want to bring their kids also.
On the other hand, the whole SDMB is coming, so what’s a few more people? By the way, you forgot to include the date and location. 
It is too clear, and so it is hard to see.
Here is Miss Manners on Question two:
“Guests should not be allowed to invite their own guests to weddings, but there are ‘extras’ and extras. Miss Manners would back you in refusing requests on behalf of friends, dates, and perfectly divine people whom one met in a health club last week.
You do not invite one member of a socially recognized couple to a purely social function, such as a wedding, without inviting the other. You know yourself you can’t stand Uncle Horace but that you could not possibly invite Aunt Flora to come without him. The difficulty, of course, is defining such a couple. Traditionally, fiances, as well as spouses, have always qualified…”
and later:
“If you don’t know the people well enough to find out what there actual names are…they don’t belong at your wedding…The tactful thing, if you really want to be so liberal to permit unknown guests, is to say, ‘Dora, I know you’ve been seeing someone; would you like to bring him? Just give me his name and address, and I’ll send him an invitation.’”
Of course, she fainted when she heard Question one.
I think that registering at a store is a smart thing to do. Many married couples look forward to setting up a nice home, and would prefer to get the items that they want, as well as minimizing the chance of duplicate gifts. Before we were married, my husband and I registered at Macy’s. We went to the store and picked out our blender, toaster and coffee maker, among other things. There were some things that we didn’t need, like everyday dishes and glasses, so we did not choose any of those. We wanted to get all of our small kitchen appliances in white, and chose whichever models suited our needs. Registering saved our guests the trouble of deciding what to get us (for those of them that were going to buy us gifts anyway), and saved us the trouble of returning duplicate or ugly presents. We were also sure to choose many things that were not expensive, like a cutting board, garlic press and a cheese grater, because we knew not everyone had a lot of money to spend. Also, there is no law against buying gifts that the couple didn’t register for. If I can’t find anything on the list that I can afford, I usually just give the couple a cash gift, or buy something in a store that gives ‘gift receipts’ for easy returnability.
As far as including a notice in the wedding invitation, we didn’t do that, and personally, I find that tacky. My bridesmaids did include a registry card in my shower invitations, and I do feel that that is appropriate, since the whole point of a bridal shower is to help the couple set up the house. Besides, I think that most people give monetary gifts at weddings nowadays (at least around here they do).
As far as inviting single people, we decided to include guests on their invitations, just out of courtesy. I don’t know your situation, but at my wedding, many of the single people who had no dates knew each other, and we were sure to seat them together. We also sat people who didn’t know each other together, but only those we felt were in the same age group and might get along. The catering hall where my reception was held took into account for ‘surprise’ guests, and there were also a few ‘no-shows’ that canceled each other out.
Before my husband and I were engaged, my cousin invited only me to her son’s Baptism party. I was highly insulted, and only went because my mother pressured me into going. I felt it was very rude of her to do that, and I wish I had just played dumb and brought him along anyway. (She had her mother be sure to tell my mother that he was not invited because she had a limited budget.) If she had the balls to tell me herself, I don’t think I would have minded as much. I was also annoyed because I remembered how many of my family functions her husband attended before they were married, and my mother never felt it necessary to exclude him. Bitch.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
Best Wishes,
Rose
Miss Manners on bridal registries:
That being said, presents by definition are not mandatory, ever.
I agree about the registry no tbeing included in the invitation. A girl at work, when she got our invitation, commented that the registry was not mentioned in there. She thought it should have been. I can’t wait to see her invitation. (She is getting married this fall).
As for the guest thing, you are not supposed to write “and Guest” on an invitation. If they have a SO, and you know their name, put it on there. If someone calls and asks if they can bring a guest…umm…I’m not sure. I’d probably cave and say, “Go ahead.” But that’s just me. If you feel comfortable saying something, you might hint that you were trying to keep the count down. Most people would understand.
I never hate myself in the morning. I sleep till noon.
–Sig line courtesy of Wally
Ack! Gilligan beat me to it! He invoked Miss Manners!
Arnold–
Never, ever, ever include a registry card with the invitation. That is the absolute epitome of tackiness!
Now, as to whether you should register…allow me to quote myself:
As to the question of whether a single person should be allowed to invite a guest–there is no one answer.
–First, this is not a commonly accepted practice in all circles. So don’t feel that you have to do it.
–Just because a guest is single doesn’t mean that they will have nobody to hang out with. If you are inviting extended family or groups of friends, the single ones whould have plenty of people to talk to.
–If a person doesn’t know the other guests and/or you feel that he/she would really be more comfortable inviting someone, then call them and ask if they would like to bring a guest.
–Writing “and Guest” is tacky. If you don’t know someone’s name, ask. You don’t invite strangers to your wedding…If you have to invite someone that you don’t know (a spouse of a co-worker for example) you are permitted to pretend that this person is not a stranger.
The way to let them know that you are only inviting them (and not a guest) is to address the invitation to them, and them only.
Now, if someone asks if they can bring a date, and you wish to say no, don’t tell them that you want to keep the numbers down–tell 'em that the reception hall is already full to bursting, or something like that. If you subsequently find out that you really should have invited the date, then say that you had a cancellation, and that you would love to have him, and send out an invitation.
Good luck, and remember that weddings go smoothest if you stick to the K.I.S.S. rule–keep it simple, stupid!
–Bean
I strongly agree with the general replies. I know someone who planned to ask that children not be brought to the reception—so the reception would be free of the need to supervise… The regular wedding (as opposed to eloping or simple licensing by exchange of vows) is meant to be rather communal and, for children, educational. All planning is made within that consideration.
As someone who is getting married on April 16, I feel that I must comment on this issue.
I did not include where we were registered on our invitations because the whole point of our wedding is to have a celebration. I don’t even consider the gifts to be an issue. I think I paraphrase Dear Abby here (sorry) but the greatest gift someone can give us is their presence.
However, I do concede that people want to give you gifts because of the celebration. In that case it makes it much easier on them if you are registered somewhere. I for one hate to shop. It is much easier to go to the Bed Bath and Beyond website (which we are registered at) and order something instead of having to find something you have no idea whether the couple will like or not.
I did not include the information about our registry on the invitations or my follow up letter. It should be spread through word of mouth. There is no other non-tacky way to do it.
And, on a side note, I’ve already gotten many beautiful presents from people who had no idea where I registered. They are appreciated just the same. Basically, let people do what is easiest and most enjoyable for them.
Oh, and by the way, Arnold…
Congratulations!!!
Okay, now I have a wedding etiquette question. My roommate, whom I have lived with for a year and a half, is getting married in August. I introduced her to her fiancee, and my boyfriend is very good friends with him. Things were a little rocky when they first got together, but are better now. Yet neither of us was asked to be in the wedding party. This hurst me deeply. I feel completely left out, and I really can’t think of a reason why she would have done this.
My question: Is it polite to ask why I was overlooked? If not, would it be rude to express some disappointment and hurt? I really am very, very hurt by this. She has asked her first roommate to be a bridesmaid, and because her maid of honor couldn’t make it, now this first roommate is her maid of honor. I just want to know why she feels this way. Should I just play along, and wait til after the wedding to ask her reasons? I feel like I am going to be more and more resentful if I don’t know her reasons.
Rather, I was in the position of a spore which, having finally accepted its destiny as a fungus, still wonders if it might produce penicillin.
–Ayi Kwei Armah
I know that I just posted, but I have to comment on this too.
When it comes to a wedding, you want to include everyone who is important in your life. That’s what it is all about. I have many girl friends who deserved to be my maid of honor. However, I had to choose my sister because she’s always been there for me. Realize that it’s a hard choice and just because you were excluded from the wedding party doesn’t mean they weren’t thinking about you. If you are invited, you are important in their lives.
If I could, I’d have eighteen maids of honor, but it just can’t happen. It doesn’t mean that they love you any less though.
Go and celebrate.
In my family, when you want people to know things about the wedding, like where youregistered, whether to bring a date/your kids… well, we just tell Aunt Peggy.
Isnt there a grapevine at your disposal?