So, the bride-to-be and I sent out our wedding invites several weeks ago. We addressed some invitations just to “Name.” We thought that this meant that it was an invitation just to that person, and that they would know to ask before inviting a guest. Others were to “Name & Guest.” This would be for those who we knew were seeing someone seriously, generally either living together or engaged, but where we did not necessarily know that person’s name. Still others were to “Mr. & Mrs. Name” (or to Mr. Name and Ms. Moniker, where the wife kept her name). These were to the couple. Yet another group was addressed to “The Name Family,” which meant spouses and their children.
We have now had several people who just assumed without asking that invitations addressed to “Name” meant “Name & Guest,” and didn’t even call before RSVPing with a guest. The space we’re getting married in is not that big, and we have a high proportion of single friends. If they all bring guests, we may overflow the space.
Why is it that people assume without asking that an invitation includes an implied guest? I mean, if it’s not addressed to “Name & guest”, at least have the courtesy to ASK if it’s OK to bring one! Don’t just assume that we keep track of all of your lives well enough to know that you have someone new in it.
I would assume that if someone sent me a wedding invitation that they wouldn’t expect me to come alone. I wouldn’t say they were stupid because they made that assumption.
Then again, I haven’t been to very many weddings. I don’t know what the etiquette is.
The etiquette (though I might have to check my book on this) is that if you are married (or the gay/lesbian version thereof, legally binding or not), engaged, or living together in a romantic relationship, your SO should be invited. If their name is then not on the invite, it is recommended to call to inquire whether there was an oversight.
If the couple puts “and guest” on the invitation, then you can bring a guest even if you’re not in such a relationship.
Invitations are only applicable to those whose names are on them. The above restrictions also apply to your children, if any - if they are not named, they should not be assumed/considered to be invited. (Adult children should get their own separate invitations.)
Er – if you’re single or in the early stages of a relationship, why wouldn’t they expect you to come alone? I’ve never been able to figure out why anybody would want to bring a casual date to a wedding; ceremonial occasions are boring if you don’t know the people involved, and it leads to all sorts of awkwardness if your date gets the idea you’re dropping hints.
jeevmon, you’re right - your guests are being rude.
Etiquette is that a wedding is not somewhere that you bring a casual date, unless the couple makes it clear that it’s ok (by including “guest” as jeevmon did or didn’t as the case may be). From Emily Post:
My wife and I sent out our invites in June. Just like yours, they were clear- “so-and-so”, “so-and-so and guest”, “so-and-so and names of children”, Etc. Cool, right? Easy to understand, right?
Well, very few auto-RSVP’d additional people on their invites, but they sure showed up with them. Here’s more from the “Wedding Files”:
-Some guests brought children when not invited.
-Some guests RSVP’d with children and didn’t bring them
-Some guests RSVP’d with a guest and showed up alone.
-Some guests RSVP’d alone and brought a guest.
-Some guests RSVP’d alone and didn’t show.
-Some guests RSVP’d their whole family and didn’t show.
The above situations will end up costing you $$, but as we found out in the case of our wedding, it almost balances out between those who don’t show and those who overshow, and you’ll only get burned for a hundred or two$$.
Bottom line: Not everyone is as kind, courteous, or contientious as you are or would expect them to be. Some of them will be close to you, others not so close. Some will be shocking, others not so shocking.
Sam
P.S.- Just make sure your family and guests don’t act like this or your wife won’t ever forget it
Geez, Gawd, that’s some list. Didn’t anyone RSVP and send the neighbors instead? Or how about bringing their family pets? I think that’s what I’ll do next time I’m invited to a wedding.
Just popping in to point out that the actual correct way to invite someone’s SO is not “and guest,” but rather to find out that person’s name and send them an invitation.
Re single invitees: If you are offended at being invited as a single, you are free to politely decline the invitation. Others have correctly pointed out that the guest list is not open to expansion, and that a wedding is properly not an occasion for a casual date.
If people had “official” SO’s(fiancee’s, spouses, domestics, established long-term BF/GF), they were invited by name-as etiquette dictated. “Guest” was reserved for those with frequent SO changes, or those we did not know names for or had not been introduced to but knew that they existed.
My sister faced the same problem when she got married - the place was small and the list had been tightly restricted for budgetary reasons (pissing my mother off to no end, since she had many more she wanted to invite, but sis and bro-in-law were paying), so single people who did not have long term SOs were not invited to bring guests. Some RSVP’d that they were bringing guests anyway. My sister being my sister, she promptly called them and said, so very sorry, but we have limited space and if you bring a guest we won’t be able to accommodate them. Some complained but most apologized, and I don’t think anyone skipped the wedding out of pique.
Frankly, since all the single people were seated together at tables more or less by group - friends from work, friends from college, relatives from each side - everyone had a great time socializing with people they knew. Much better than dragging a more casual date to a wedding (and I’ve been the draggee on a couple of occasions, so I know whereof I speak).
Time was, weddings were considered good places to meet other single people. It’s only recently that people have started thinking they have to bring a date.
My understanding is that the only people a bride and groom are obligated to invite, from an etiquette point of view, are spouses or fiances. I believe this is now extended to live-in patners/common law spouses.
Girlfriends/boyfriends can be omitted without fear of an etiquitte gaff, apparently.
As to what to do, jeevmon, I would phone the offenders and explaine the limited space and let them know that extra persons can’t be accomodated. Mind you, I’m sort of pushy that way. YMMV.
Understood – but the officially correct method still stands. All wedding guests are properly invited by name. Frequent SO changes can be considered “casual dates” and not appropriate for a wedding. If you don’t know an SO’s name, no matter how long term, the correct procedure is still to call and find out their name. You could even ask your “primary guest” whom they would like to bring – it might be a sibling, child, or Army buddy, and not even an SO.
Of course, you are free to publish your wedding invitation in the local paper, or make photocopies and staple them to light poles. But I’m just stating the Miss-Manners-correct way.
