Wedding invite etiquette question

In My Humble Opinion
1

My eldest daughter is getting married in July. I imagine I’ll have a bunch of things to post about between now and then, but here’s one that recently came up.

What are your thoughts about the wording of wedding invites?

A. The parents of the bride invite you to…

B. The parents of the bride and the parents of the groom invite you to…

C. The engaged couple invite you to…

D. Something else.

I would appreciate if you would express your reasons for whatever your preference, and
perhaps an assessment of how strongly you feel. Also, perhaps indicate your familiarity with such matters - have you been married, had a child married, received a lot of invites…?

I’ll post more specifics as the thread progresses, so it doesn’t at least start off as a debate over my opinion.

2

I always thought that the wording depended on who was paying. Traditionally, that was the bride’s parents, so they were doing the inviting.

Is is only me, or is “invite” grating to anyone else? Has “invitation” as a noun died?

3

Yup, depends on who the hosts are, ergo, who is paying for the event. My husband and I paid, so we were listed at the top, though IIRC we did the ‘daughter of/son of’ wording to include our parents’ names.

4

Disclaimer: this comes from a British perspective, which may vary from US practice.

Traditional etiquette states that the parents of the bride invite you. This is because they would normally be paying and hence the hosts.

However, it is becoming much more common for the the couple themselves to do the inviting. This is, I believe, for a number of reason:

  1. They might be paying themselves
  2. If there have been divorces and remarriages amongst the parents, it makes it politically easier.
  3. the notion of the bride’s parents auctioning off their darling daughter seems a bit archaic.
  4. Often, the couple are second time arounders or older – I think beyond 30ish, it seems a bit odd for the parents to do the inviting.

I don’t have strong feeling either way. When I married 15 years ago, my parents paid and did the inviting. If I got such an invite now, I would think it was for a pretty traditional affair.

Groom’s parents don’t really get a look in in my book.

5

I also think that it depends on who’s paying.

6

Traditional etiquette guides say as **Brynda **does, and I agree it’s only logical. The person(s) paying are the ones throwing the party, and therefore the people doing the inviting.

Now, some families, especially in very tradition heavy cultures, may fudge this by their choice. If it’s extremely common in a culture for the bride’s parents to pay but they simply cannot, the bride and groom may choose to word the invites as from her parents so no one knows they aren’t paying, but the general rule of thumb stands.

I don’t feel particularly strongly about the issue at all, but I can understand why some people would. To me, t’s more important how the players in your situation feel about it. If the bride is adamant that this is their day and no one’s giving her away, etc. etc. and she has very strong feelings about wanting the invites to come from her and the groom, then I’d say that good parents should care more about her feelings than the “credit”, as it were. And vice-versa.

Where it might get sticky is if both the bride and groom’s parents are paying, but in unequal amounts. The parties paying for the bulk of the event may feel they should get sole naming rights, as it were. But again, feelings are more important than credit, to me. If the bride’s family can only give them $1000 while the groom’s family gives them $10,000, I’d still word the invite as coming from both sets of parents. But that’s just me.

7

Yes, it depends on who is paying. The host invites the guests.

Yes, grating.

8

My preferred formulation is,
“'Bride and groom, together with their parents, (names if wanted) request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of…” Something like that.

You can also reverse it (parents, together with their children…) but IMHO its the B&G’s wedding not a cattle parade for the parents, B&G should go first.

Traditionally it does depend of who is paying. I happen to find that a particularly crass tradition. At any rate, these days, unless the B&G are like 16, they usually pay for it at least partially. I don’t know anyone whose parents covered the whole thing.

9

I think only the hosts can invite guests. They may be titular hosts (Grandma may really be footing the bill), but they are the hosts.

10

I think C’s the best choice, every wedding invitation I’ve gotten as always said something along the lines of “you are invited to the wedding of so-and-so…” or “Joe and Sue invite you to celebrate their wedding…”

And that will probably be the format that I’ll use one day. Knowing my boyfriend’s family, some wise crack would read “the bride’s family invites you…” as “her family wants you there, we don’t.”

11

FTR, my wife and I used “Swallowed My Cellphone and Perfect Being Of Loveliness invite you…” since we were hosting, although our parents helped out a little bit. (We had a modest wedding that had no expensive froo-froo).

12

Okay - a little background. My wife and I told my kid we’d give her/them $x as a wedding present. I’m not sure exactly how it was phrased, but the clear intention and understanding was that they could use all or part of it for the reception or anything else. It turns out they are using most of it for the reception - and having a somewhat fancier wedding than they could have otherwise afforded. And I’m fine with that - we did offer them a gift, and I really try (with varying success) not to attach strings to my gifts.

The other day we were discussing invitATIONS with my daughter, and my wife said something about them saying “Mr. and Mrs Dinsdale invite you…” My daughter said she and her fiance had discussed it, and if we were listed on the invite he wanted his parents there as well. I have no idea whether that reflects his parents’ preference or just his. As far as I know, his parents have not given them any specific amount of money for the wedding/reception. I really have no idea what they intend to give the couple.

My kid said what we gave them would not cover an open bar - something she does not think important but that both sets of parents think is. (I have not seen or discussed any specific dollars other than when they asked us to cut checks for the hall downpayment, and the dress. My wife and I discussed paying extra to cover liquor, and I understand the in-laws offered to as well. I’m not sure whether we are talking a couple hundred, a couple thousand, or whatever. And I imagined we’d probably slip them some cash at the wedding, in addition to what we had said we would give them.

At first I thought I really didn’t care whether it listed just us, both parents, or neither. But it clearly mattered to my wife, so I was trying to mediate between the 2 women. And the more I thought of it, while I don’t really want to “brag” or get “credit” for paying for the reception, there is a bit of me that would like the traditional “acknowledgment.”

My daughter says it is just a stupid tradition. I think it might be the type of tradition which has at least some legitimate reason.

So how do you suggest addressing/resolving this?

Here’s another little bit of background - my daughter had a very stressful fall student teaching, with the result that she has done very little in the way of wedding planning to date. The result has been that her fiance has made most of the plans so far (mainly the reception hall/dinner). I guess that bugs my wife because she thought a part of our gift was that my wife would get to help her daughter plan her wedding. But with my daughter abdicating much active any role, I guess it impresses my wife as tho the fiance is essentially spending what was in large part our gift to our daughter. Yes, we wanted them both to benefit from it, but if the fiance weren’t marrying my daughter, we sure wouldn’t have given him $x to throw a party.

I’m trying to figure out whether I really care about such things and, if so, how much I care. But to large extent my personal feeling don’t dictate, because I wish to reduce the tension between two of the most important people in my life WRT what should be a joyous occasion.

13

And that reason is, when fourth cousin, twice removed Joey gets the invitation, he has some hope of figuring out who the bride and groom are and how they are related.

14

Those are strings, Dinsdale. :wink:

Look, it’s either a gift, in which case they’re throwing the wedding and the invite should have their name on it, OR you and your wife are the producers, in which case the two of you should be doing the planning and get the acknowledgment on the invites. Working the middle ground - not quite a gift, not quite control - that is the reason for so many Weddings Gone Wrong websites.

I think you’re doing the right thing in trying to figure out what’s really important for both you and your wife, and trying to keep the peace between them. Good luck with that. Better men than I have lost that battle. Maybe that’s why open bars got started in the first place! ;D

15

Jeez, the only thing I remember about wedding invitation etiquette was that, if you had the ceremony in a house of worship, you requested “the honor of your presence” and if you held it in a secular venue you requested “the pleasure of your company” but I think both sets of parents were always mentioned, as if they were cohosting the event. Which they are assumed to be.

Once you get to a certain age, or for a second wedding, putting the couple’s parents’ names on is just silly.

But really it’s just a party.

Oh, wait, just remembered something else. You spell everything out. “At One-Twelve Seventeenth Street, Suite Three Hundred.” That kind of thing will indicate to your guests that it’s a really formal party.

16

Honestly, I find it really bizarre that it bothers you (or your wife) that he’s stepped in and helped with the wedding arrangements. He’s not stealing her thunder, he’s cutting her some slack when she is really busy. I’d think you’d both see this as a good thing, a really solid sign for the future. I mean, how would you feel if your daughter had come over and had a meltdown in your wife’s arms, sobbing over how she just couldn’t handle the stress of student teaching + wedding planning and how her fiance just didn’t seem to care and left it all to her? You’d be irritated with him for letting her do all the work.

For whatever reason, once people get into wedding planning, all the sudden they lose all perspective: every detail about everything suddenly matters. Try to fight that: pick 2-3 things that you (or your wife) really care about. Try to negotiate about those. Let everything else be where you are nice and flexible. If invitations and an open bar really really matter to you (or your wife) let them know that and impress upon them that these are the only two areas that you really care–and then keep your mouth shut when they don’t invite kids under 12, or write their own vows, or opt for orange and brown carnations, or walk down the aisle to a Skinny Puppy song or have the rehearsal dinner be potluck or put you and your wife at a different table than the wedding party or invite the stripper to the wedding or plan to smash cakes in each other’s faces or don’t include your mother in the wedding photos.

In other words, step back from this issue and decide what really matters to you about the wedding AS A WHOLE. Pick your battles.

17

Uh oh. I smell trouble. Your wife needs to back off if she wants to have peace and to keep her sanity. It is just a celebration, not The Day She Has Dreamed Of. The only thing worse than brides who think of their weddings as TDSHDO are mothers of brides who think that way.

18

Another vote for the people who pay are the people who invite (verb). :wink:

In your case, it’s a little muddy. It sounds like you gave them a gift outright, and they could have used this gift to buy … I don’t know, a pony, and then paid for a modest wedding themselves. Or they can use it to pay for the wedding, which they are. So there is a case to be made for “the bride and groom are paying for the wedding.” However, given your generosity, and that of the groom’s parents (we shall assume their future gift is also generous, whatever that means to them and their financial situation, but the dollar amount isn’t really your business), I think it’s reasonable to get your names on the invitation. “Bride and Groom, together with their parents Mr. and Mrs. X and Mr. and Mrs. Y” works well, especially if it is clear from all the surnames whose parent belongs to whom. I’m a little old school in that I don’t think the wedding is “the bride’s day.” It IS a family day in my book, unless the couple decides to elope or go down to the courthouse. If I was your daughter’s friend, my advice to her would be to recognize how meaningful this would be to her mother/parents, and including the names would be a very easy way to be very gracious and show appreciation, not for the money, but for the presence and support of the parents.

It sounds like your wife is disappointed that she wasn’t more involved with the planning, and I have sympathy for that, but I don’t think it’s productive to view the situation as if the groom is laughing all the way to the bank (or the reception hall) with your money. Unless you have reason to think he’s a jerk otherwise, why not assume the best intentions for him – he is doing something nice for your daughter that she has indicated would be too stressful for her to take on at this time. And it’s great if he’s having fun with it, it seems like a win-win that she isn’t so interested and he is. Would it be better if he put on sackcloth and ashes and acted like planning their wedding was a giant annoying hassle? I’m sure your daughter wouldn’t appreciate hearing him complain about it every day.

19

[ul]
[li]Whoever is acting as the host (regardless of who is paying) invites the guests.[/li]
[li]Having the groom’s parents’ names somewhere on the invitation is useful for the groom’s family members who would otherwise open up the invitation and think “who the hell are these people?”[/li]
Most people (as soon as they figure out how they’re connected to the bride or groom) really aren’t paying close attention to the invitation as long as it isn’t completely outrageous[/ul]I vote for picking a host, issue invitations on the behalf of whoever she/he/they are.

20

Actually, I think I read in a book that you are supposed to request the “honoUr”… :rolleyes:

Yeah, maybe we should have been clearer about any expectations/strings when we offered the gift. We didn’t just write them a check for the amount. We don’t have that kind of ready cash lying around, and have been saving up, and writing checks as they have needed them. So I think there was a strong understanding that an element of our gift was going to be paying for the wedding.

As far as feeling he is stepping in, I agree that it is good that they do things as equals and such. And I don’t generally think of myself as one who is tied to convention - which makes it weird when I run up against a convention which I find I may support.

There are several things going on with our view of their dynamic. On one hand, our daughter tends to act immaturely, and to eagerly let other people take control. So I guess we wish she would take more responsibility in planning the wedding. She kinda takes stressful situations as an excuse to withdraw into her shell - which I think is not the best way for an adult to deal with the world. Somewhat magnifying that is our suspicion that the fiance might have kinda control issues. So we are curious of their dynamic, and wishing it is as healthy as can be.

Of course, countering all that is the fact that they are adults starting a life together, and we really probably should keep our opinions to ourselves. (I know I have often been criticized here for butting into my kids’ business. It is difficult to not form and express opinions when you so strongly want the best for your kids.)

It is difficult, tho, as this obviously means a lot to my wife. And I’m not sure it is an easy matter to tell her than her feelings are “wrong.” If nothing else, I think there is a benefit in telling my kid that her mom feels strongly about it. Then, if she and her husband choose to do something else, at least they know what feelings are involved. Who knows - this might be the kind of decision where there is no optimum answer, and someone is going to get their nose out of joint no matter what decision is made.