So a pal of mine back in Maryland is getting married. Sweet enough. We get the invitation a while back. It reads
This arrived in the mail to Lady Chance and myself.
We find out about 3 or 4 days ago that kids aren’t invited. This cheeses me off as it will be about a 6 hour drive to the wedding and I don’t want to drive that far just to hand the kid off to a babysitter.
So we go back and forth for the last few days and just now I get a really huffy call saying that ‘if having Kate there is the only way we’ll attend then she can come’. I try to apologize for the mixup and I get ‘I don’t want to argue about it. The invitation was to you too only. That’s how you should have known.’
Am I crazy here or what? Hell, if a mutual friend hadn’t mentioned last week that they’d HAVE to get a sitter for the wedding we would have simply shown up, kid in tow, completely oblivious to the ‘no kids’ thing. It was after I spoke with mutual pal that I thought there might be something and confirmed with the groom.
And hell, now I’m not even sure I want to go he was so ungracious about it.
Sorry dude, the “weenie” is right here. Whomever is stated on the invitation is invited (inner envelope for proper formal invitations). Not named on the invitation, not invited.
Ugh, I HATE no-kids events–and I think you’re right, if it was no-kids that should have been explicitly stated. I’m sure some ettiquette guru will come in and agree with the bride that the adress should have been enough, that spelling it out would have been rude. What’s more rude though–a small statement on an invitation simply clarifying what is supposedly obvious already, or risking a mixup wherein a guest is made to feel like a chump for not knowing, or a cad for showing up with kids? I say put it in the invite.
As for kids-free family events in general–blah. I know some people dig them, and that’s their right. But it’s my right to think they’re likely to be stuffy, fussy, and not my thing. I typically decline. Luckily, this isn’t the “style” in my family at all, so it usually only comes up with distant family or old friends and then I don’t feel bad for skipping.
Perhaps an expert on wedding etiquette can help navigate these wine-dark waters.
The commonly accepted rule is that only those whose NAMES are printed on the invite are the ones who are welcome at the wedding.
But common sense says, who would write a toddler/infant’s name on a wedding invite?
If they wanted a “no-children” wedding, they are perfectly within their rights to put that on the invite. They chose not to.
Kate will be four next week. And a sister in July!
I admit I’m not what you’d call up on formal wedding ettiquette (and happily so…we held our wedding in a park with a playground) but the last three we’ve been to (our younger pals being that age) never mentioned it and had kids there.
Really, I’ve got to figure if I really want to go at all now.
Lobsang, why is that pedantic? If nothing else (i.e. Emily Post etiquette, of which I presume you are not fond), it makes perfect sense. If you wanted to invite someone, you’d name them. If you’re inviting the whole family and don’t want to specifically name the babies or toddlers, then the inner envelope should be addressed to “Mr. Jonathan Chance and Family” or “Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Chance and Family.”
It is pedantic IMO to assume that a)Named invitees (word?) explicitly excludes kids and b) that they would understand this. Kids are a very, almost ‘goes without saying’ part of the family.
I am not saying it is wrong (To me weddings and kids go hand in hand) just that it is pedantic to have to include ‘and family’.
Lobsang, if this were anything other than a wedding invitation, would you automatically assume that kids were invited? To and office party? A Christmas party? Probably not. Same rules apply. Not only that, but many people do not agree that weddings automatically mean kids. We didn’t want kids at our wedding, because that’s not the sort of event that we wanted. We are not heartless, however. We happily accomdated a friend who needed to bring her infant and a toddler from out of state.
Well, no. There are lots of occasions where families are not included - that’s why “and family” is added to an invite when they are.
This is not pedantic - it’s a perfectly clear way of addressing things.
Further, I’ve seen lots of weddings that certainly were NOT kid friendly if only because they were long, and drawn out, and boring and there was a lot of getting up and sitting down and most small kids would be mental 20 minutes into the damn thing. Ditto for receptions - if someone is having a cocktail party for their reception, kids are going to be both bored and bothersome.
Obviously, selecting this sort of ceremony and reception will exclude some people; however, it is being paid for by the bride and groom and if they don’t like kids, I guess they don’t like kids.
The entire point of having etiquette is to avoid confusion. Unfortunately, the conventions are less and less well-known. In this case, if the name isn’t on the card, that means there’s no seat for them at the reception (since RSVPs determine catering and seating arrangements).
It’s water under the bridge now, but this page offers some advice. Note that your situation is the stickiest - an out of town guest, with kids, who is a close friend - and see if you can work out a solution that’s mutually agreeable. Remember though that this is their celebration, and while they do assume some responsibilities as host and hostess, they don’t want to remember their wedding as “that time Kate screamed the whole way through the church service.” You have a responsibility as a guest not to derail the ceremony.
Perhaps Kate’s grandparents could come down for a weekend? You could, for example, invite them over for a few days, welcome them to stay as long as they like, but ask them the favor of babysitting while you and your spouse are at the wedding.
Unfortunately, Lobsang, there’s really no other way to do it. A lot of weddings are adults only events, and it would be pretty crappy to have to write “no kids” on an invitation. The standard rule is that if you want to invite the kids along, you have to list them on the invite.
There’s also no damn excuse for the host getting huffy over it, they chose to exclude kids, and must appreciate that some people won’t be able to attend if the kids can’t attend. The whole wedding thing is so out of control that nobody can just relax and have a nice time. Even my upcoming wedding is stressful, and we’re really trying to keep it loose.
If, after this little dustup, you don’t go to the wedding, your friend will think you are permanently in a snit over it, or at least were in enough of a snit to keep you home, and will remember it forever. So, bottom line is, do you want your friend to forever remember that you didn’t come to his wedding just because of a miscommunication about whether your kid was invited?
I’d go, if only for the sake of future peace. Especially because this is apparently a friend that you’re close enough to that you’d consider driving for 6 hours, each way, just to get to his wedding. He’s definitely gonna be cheesed off if you don’t show just because of an etiquette communications glitch.
‘Twon’t hurt Kate to be “handed off to a babysitter” for a couple hours. Actually, after 6 hours in the car with her, you may be ready to have someone else ride herd on the Little Darlin’ for a while.
Woof, tell that to Lady Chance. That ‘drive 6 hours and hand her off’ line is a direct quote from her.
Actually, it’s even worse, travel wise.
The wedding is Saturday. I leave Columbus for LA on Tuesday night then instead of going home I fly directly to Washington DC with another invitee who’s also in LA at the time. We touch down at about 8AM Saturday morning in Dulles then drive 2 hours to the location of the wedding.
Meanwhile Lady Chance will have been driving the 6 hours from Ohio to Maryland. Post-wedding I take off the suit and drive back to Ohio.
And as for your friend getting all huffy about it–geez, the man’s getting married the formal Bride’s magazine way, with etiquette out the wazoo (as opposed to the “gee, we just got married in a park with a playground!” way).
Which means that he’s up to his armpits in rehearsal dinners and tux fittings and catering menus and picking out twee little gifties for the bridesmaids and the groomsmen and the ringbearer and all twelve hundred flowergirls (by this time he will have learned, the hard way, that the correct response to, “Honey, what do you think of these…?” is not, “Jesus, I don’t give a fuck, do whatever ya want”), and he’s bound to be a little tense. Have a little compassion for the poor mope, treading water and going down for the third time in a sea of wedding planner shit and stuff.
I would not advise any other thinking adult to attempt to drive from Ohio to Maryland alone with a three-year-old in the car, at least, not without heavy sedation, and there’s a limit to how much Benadryl you can give a kid.
Before you get mad, let’s look at this from the bride and groom’s perspective. You get an invitation addressed to the adults in the family, not the entire family, and you automatically assume that your 3yo is invited too. Cool, you’re going to make the trip, no need to even think about it. Then you find out that your assumption is wrong.
Instead of making plans to find a babysitter in the area, or (Og forbid) leave the kid with other friends or relatives for the weekend, you start debating whether to even go or not. Essentially, you’re considering missing an old friend’s wedding, purely because you can’t bring the kid. Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to hear that an old friend who previously planned to attend is now considering ditching your wedding rather than be separated from their kid for a few hours? Basically, you’re saying that it’s more important to spend a few hours with your kid than to attend a once-in-a-lifetime milestone in your friend’s life, and it’s no surprise that it was taken as a slap in the face of your friendship.
The bride and groom have made a decision to not include kids (or not include kids under a certain age, or not to include kids who aren’t in the bridal party, or whatever), and you can bet the farm they’ve taken a world of shit over that decision. They’re willing to make an exception for you, if that’s what it takes for you to come. That’s how important you being there is to them. If you want to sit and pout because they weren’t ass-kissy enough about making an exception for your mistaken assumption and unwillingness to come without the kid, fine. But it would probably be the death knell of your friendship.
Try to remember that your friend is in the midst of planning and orchestrating a very, very, very stressful event. He’s probably getting it from all sides – everyone has an opinion about how this thing and that thing “should” be done and very little the bride and groom decide goes without criticism from someone. They’re probably ready to snap each other’s heads off right now, yet you know they still love each other very much.
And I’m sure he still cares a great deal about you and having you there with him, even if he was a little short with you about the kid thing. Ask yourself if you really want to be mad at him for excluding a 4-year-old from a formal event and party (even if it’s something you wouldn’t do, yourself). Ask yourself if you really want to (possibly) lose his friendship because you didn’t understand the invitation and inadvertantly made a false assumption that he might’ve been embarrassed to have to explain and adhere to (you never know – this might’ve even been a point of contention between he and his bride-to-be, but it would be poor form for him to start blaming her for what ends up being a joint decision before they’re even married). Ask yourself if you really want to stay mad at a close friend for one conversation where his tone was a little huffy over a rather stressful situation.
My advice would be to accept responsibility for misinterpreting the invitation, find a sitter for little Kate (the grandparents are a great idea!) and go have a great time with the grownups. One thing I learned from watching my parents’ 30 year marriage ('til death did they part), that adults-only time was critical to maintaining a healthy marriage. I’m probably already preaching to the choir on that, but sometimes a gentle reminder isn’t a bad thing. Especially with a new baby on the way, your alone time will soon be absolutely nil, so take advantage of the opportunity to get away while the logistics are more favorable to it. Go! Make it a romantic weekend. Have Fun!
Well, the grands are out because they’re not local to either Ohio or DC. That’s Miami and South Dakota, respectively.
I well acknowledge that I may be a weenie here, what the hell.
One of the funnier things about this is that they’re honeymooning in New Orleans a week or so after the wedding and Lady Chance just got notified that she might be in NOLA that week for business and she can bring the family.
