Is there a polite way to invite parents, but not kids?

I was having lunch the other day with a colleague; he has a special needs child and he was telling me how he and his wife (especially his wife) could really use a break and just get away for a few hours.

My wife and I (DINKS), thought we’d have a dinner party and invite my colleague and his wife sometime when his mother in law is in town, so they could have a no kids night. That won’t be a problem, I can pretty much pitch it just like that to him and I think they’d jump at the chance.

But, we thought about inviting another couple and I’m not clear on how to invite them, but not their kids. It doesn’t help that I’m good friends with the husband, but his wife has never warmed to me. Is there any nice way to say, come on over, but leave the kids with a sitter, or do we just not invite them?

Just say it’s a dinner party for adults. If you want to do so subtly, then say “we’d like to invite a few couples over to have a chance to get away from the kids for a little bit and relax”, or something like that.

You could just say you’re throwing a small gathering to give everyone (or the original couple, at least) a rare and welcome adults-only night, and you’d love for them to be a part of it if they could.

Say it’s a key party nudge-nudge :wink:

You just invite them, and be specific about who you’re inviting. ‘Hey, Joe, we’re having a dinner party on Saturday, and we’d love you and Jane to join us - are you free?’

I don’t know anyone who would consider bringing their kids to a dinner party anyway.

Straight forward and specific wording. Like nuking from orbit, it’s the only way to make sure.

If someone takes offense to that, they don’t have to come. It’s not rude to be specific.

My specificity would be on the order of, “You and Mary Ann, but not the kids.” Have to be specific about no kids, or some will assume otherwise. Seen it more often than one would expect.
.

put a height requirement on the invite.

Agree with straightforward. Why should anyone take offense for being invited sans kids? My SO sometimes gets invited sans me by her female friends for coffee and girl talk, and I am not offended.

The only thing to avoid IMO would be to proffer the invitation in front of said kids.

You have to be really specific if you think there will be doubt. We wanted a child-free wedding (actually, small child free-- we were happy to have about 8 and above). We put the names of the specific invited people on invitations, so there was no question, and if people asked, we were upfront that we weren’t providing childcare. If a child was young enough to need a babysitter, well, then, it needed one, because it needed to stay home.

People brought kids anyway. And they RSVP’d for them. We’d specifically say Moishe and Raizel on the invitation, and leave Eidele off of it, and we’d get a reply that say “We’re delighted to come, and Eidele will be coming too.” So we capitulated, and hired someone to staff the childcare room at the synagogue during the wedding-- better that than having children too young to sit still running around during the ceremony, or crying during the reception, putting their hands in serving bowls, knocking over the cake, etc.

Some people seemed to take it as a personal insult when their two-year-old wasn’t invited.

Heck, even our ringbearer was a little older than is typical (a very enthusiastic and bright 7-year-old, it’s worth adding), because I wouldn’t have dreamed of putting an unpredictable 3 or 4-year-old, who might get petulant at the last minute, or just simply not appreciate the gravitas.

So, invite this couple, make it clear in those exact words that it’s adults-only, and brace yourself for the slight chance they may take it personally. If they do, they are probably not worth adding to your social circle, because this problem will come up again.

Thanks all. It is funny how some people do get offended at the idea of no kids. Alas, I’m worried that my friend’s wife is such a person.

Normally I’d agree to just invite the parents and assume they’ll figure it out. Proper etiquette is to just not mention the children, etc. But in this case … man would it suck to spend your one night away from your kids, maybe your one night in months, and show to find out your hanging out with someone else’s kids. Plus it sounds like you suspect this couple won’t get the hint. So yeah, I’d explicitly say something like you “want to give Jack and Jane a night away from the kids” or something like that.

All that said … How high needs is the kid? Have you considered asking them over on a Saturday afternoon with the kid? Or meeting them at a child-friendly, special-needs friendly venue of their choice? Then the mom has some adult interaction, and isn’t loosing a night of childcare. I mean, don’t take it personally but if his wife is the one who needs the break, her first choice for a “break” may not be hanging out with her husband’s friends from work. I’m sure she has her own friends, and a laundry list of things she’d like to do when her mom gets into down.

Just be up-front.

At a recent wedding where the groom’s family hadn’t seen us/our kids in a dozen years, I politely & subtly asked. We had sitters lined up long before I called and I made sure that there was no pressure either way.
Yes, it can be hard, but asking is what is expected of the guest. Its like college: nobody gets to go to every party or they will fail out. People go to the ones they can, which is what makes those events more special.

Host the event somewhere that people under eighteen are not allowed, like a casino or strip club.

Arggh. To just assume and not even at least ask if it’s OK!

Ah, at both my nephew’s and niece’s weddings, young children were welcome and when (at both ceremonies) young (under 3 years old) children wandered up to their parent (who were either a bridesmaid or a groom’s man) during the ceremony, everyone chuckled and thought it was charming and cute. Of course, neither of these were Strickly Formal weddings.

But that being said, if you don’t want kids attending, you’ll probably have to specify. I like **iiandyiiii **'s suggestion.

He specifically said they needed a break away from the kid and among adults, not talking about kid stuff. He’s all set up, the invite went out and they’re coming over in a couple of weeks when the mother in law is in town to baby sit.

When my kids were small, the nicest thing someone could’ve done for my wife and me was to say, “Why don’t you take a night off. We’ll watch the kids.” Simply having three hours to ourself – to see a movie, have a quiet (uninterrupted) dinner, or even just walk through a mall and look at non-kid stuff – was paradise.

I would guess that would be about 10X for the parents of a special needs kid.

The only caveat I would add is that if you invite people without kids and they decline to come, don’t take it as a rebuff. Babysitters are beyond expensive and family members cannot be infinitely imposed on. Furthermore, for me, at least, sometimes I just don’t want to miss out on kid time–it might be a week where I’ve barely seen my son, and I don’t want to give up an evening with him. None of that is a rejection of the person who invited me, nor me feeling put out or upset that my kid wasn’t invited. I just am not willing to pay what it costs to do so, either in $$, or time with my kid, or having my mom available to babysit on some other occasion.

This doesn’t guarantee anything. We got married in a casino in Vegas in part because we wanted a child-free wedding and people still threw tantrums and actually boycotted my wedding because I wouldn’t let them bring their two year old to the ceremony.

We have a kid now and we love spending time with her but there are certain places where children shouldn’t go and I still believe weddings are one of those places. An adults only party would be another but obviously other people are a bit touchy about their kids being left out.