MrNinevah and I are getting married in January '06. Wedding invites went out in late October. Since we are tight with numbers, we’ve taken the ‘no kids’ policy since the wedding ceremony and reception are occurring at the same place.
Everyone has been fine with that. (One of MrNinevah’s Aunts has even booked her severely disabled autistic son into care too - something she is happy to do)
But - one couple have who haven’t RSVP’d yet are now in a quandry because they hadn’t realised that the invitation didn’t extend to their unruly toddler son and 2-week old baby (which it will be when the wedding occurs, it hasn’t be born yet). The invitation was addressed specifically to them - “A & B Surname”. “B” emailed my future mother-in-law moaning about it, saying that she hadn’t realised that, and that the invitation hadn’t specified “no kids”.
How does an invitation addressed to a couple suddenly come to mean “and bring all your kids too?”
Our wedding was also “no kids,” and let me assure you, there will always be people who give you flak for what is your decision and no one else’s. Our decision was based on my incredibly badly-behaved 7 year old niece, and how much we didn’t want her having an unholy fit at our wedding. My sister (her mother), didn’t take the news of her daughter’s un-invitation well, but it wasn’t a subject that was open for discussion.
You did nothing wrong. A formal invitation is extended only to the people specified on the invitation, and most people know that. Obviously, some people don’t, but that’s not your fault. Stay strong, and assure her that it’s not her children that are not welcome, but all children, because it’s an adult party.
Bit tough asking a mum to leave her 2 week old baby to attend a wedding… fair enough to send the toddler off to stay with granny for the weekend, but a tiny babe in arms isn’t going to be much hassle.
But by the sounds of it you’ll have trouble persuading them to only bring the little 'un… maybe just accept that they can’t make it this time, but for your next wedding ensure that you make it clear to them what the deal is
This seems like saying that you are taking a no kids policy because the sky in summer is blue. Yep. It sure as hell is, but what does that have to do with anything?
You want others to share in the joy of your wedding, yet you don’t allow them to share the joy of children.
Because she can’t possibly leave it with a babysitter. Since they live over an hour and a half away, MrNinevah reasoned that the baby can come, but the toddler can’t.
I’m so sorry you won’t be able to attend our wedding. We’ll have to get together after the honeymoon and catch up/look at wedding pictures. If we don’t make it, we’ll be sure to invite you to our respective second marriages.
No, we are taking a no-kids policy because of cost restrictions. Additionally, this is the only couple invited that have kids, so we hadn’t considered kids to be an essential part of the wedding, be it as involvement or as a guest.
A wedding is a personal thing - where does it necessarily say that children must be involved??
This is, of course, entirely your desicion, and should not be up for debate.
I wouldn’t leave my two week old with a baby-sitter, especially if I lived that far away. Therefore, I would regretfully decline.
If I were the bride, I wouldn’t mind an infant: they’re basically potted plants at that age, anyway - you’ll never know she’s snoozing away in her carseat under the table. But it’s your wedding, and you can invite anyone you want to it, and they should respect that.
I’m still fired up by the fact that they naturally assumed, even the toddler’s grandmother, that it’s fine to bring their kids.
Although I know I shouldn’t be too surprised - their family (who aren’t related but are very, very close kiwi friends of MrNinevah’s family) has done this before - we invited the toddler’s grandfather’s sister and her husband to our engagement party. Did not receive any RSVP; we didn’t know if they were coming or not. So assumed they weren’t coming and catered accordingly.
On the day, this car rolls up and about 5 adults tumble out, with at least 2 children in tow. I was horrified (we did run out of food, btw). The family in question is Maori. I have since wondered where this is a cultural thing or just plain rudeness.
WAG: If the ceremony and reception were at different locations, perhaps extra people could have come to one but not the other; as both ceremony and reception are at the same location and seating is tight, there’s a limit on the number of guests who can attend.
HAHAHAHAha, oh, that’s a good one. “Hey, don’t just bring your badly behaved, unruly hellspawn to disrupt my wedding - let me buy it a meal too!”. When I got married, we excluded children because it would have blown the numbers out massively, and forced us to choose a venue that was less to our liking and more expensive in order to fit them all in. Our (roughly) 20 aunts and uncles have in excess of 30 children between them, and then there are all the other guests… However, one of my uncles declared that it’s rude to invite the parents and not the children and so we decided not to invite aunts and uncles at all. We opted to only have our closest friends and immediate family attend. We only wanted a small wedding, and to hell with everyone else. If we tried to keep everyone happy, we’d still be trying to organise it. Like they say - opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. Well, they have at least two when it comes to weddings, which probably explains all the extra crap they dump on you at that time.
I don’t think a newborn would be very disruptive at the wedding and it sounds fine that you’ve agreed to let her bring it. The three year old would be another matter entirely, and you should stand firm. It’s not like there will be other children for him to play with or anything. It’s certainly not unreasonable to expect someone to arrange a babysitter for such an occasion, and if they don’t want to, then they have the option of not attending. Parents should be used to the idea that there are some occasions that children simply aren’t welcome at.
Don’t worry, I intend to stay firm. The toddler is spoiled, unruly brat and would most likely create a lot of disruption at the wedding if he came.
A babysitter for the unruly toddler… that’ll be an interesting solution seeing as the grandmother (who is also invited) is the primary baby-sitter. Need I mention that the toddler has severe separation anxiety too? (especially to his grandfather).
Still, it’ll be interesting to see how it all goes. You’ll see that for yourself, Cazzle, on the day. I’ll be sure to point them out!
ninevah, I do not hate kids, I love kids. So I hope everyone does not take this wrong, but if so, too bad.
First, you’ve gotten good replies as to what RSVP means. If they don’t respond, you don’t plan for any of them and they have no business appearing without notice.
Second, while it’s usually the parents failing to control their children that is the problem, a wailing infant or out-of-control 6 year old has NO place at a formal, adult ceremony. Since you cannot control the proud parents, you invite only them and not the children. They can accept or decline.
I have watched two weddings really spoiled from the noise of children and infants that could have been prevented if the dumb-butt parents had taken the offenders out, but they did not do so. Do not let this happen on your special day. If they can’t attend because they can’t leave the children, then they can simply decline the invite and send you a “Best Wishes” note.
You let them bring in the kids, it may be wonderful, but you are courting disaster. You have a right to invite whomever you wish, and need make no apologies or explanations.
When Mrs. Jurph and I got married, we set a “no kids” policy, both for numbers and ruckus reasons. It was to be a pretty fancy party, and not at all an appropriate place to bring little kids. We each preferred to invite friends of ours from college who would have a great time rather than screaming three-year-olds who wouldn’t enjoy it (nor ever remember it). Our insistence on no kids had an unintended consequence of bumping a family friend of ours off the RSVP list, because she was due to have her baby a week or two before the wedding. Her mother called my mother (TACKY!) and insisted that the baby be invited along. My mom was on the fence at the time, and willing to ask me to compromise on behalf of her friends… but after that rude phone call, it was all over. The friend declined the invitation graciously, and also apologized for her mother’s rudeness. Hell hath no fury like a brand-new grandma, I guess.
We had a fantastic evening, our guests all had a great time, and we were all amazingly fortunate in that nobody else felt compelled to “share the joy of children” with us.
Totally agree with this, and MrNinevah has said quite often that if it wasn’t for family (which makes up about 70% of guest invited) we’d invite a lot more friends. Alas, since it’s the first wedding for his family and mine, the family obligations are adhered to and we had to limit the number of friends. Fortunately, we have some very close relatives we consider as dear friends so it’s not all doom and gloom.
Insist on no toddler. Allow them to attend with the newborn but have someone look after the child outside the ceremonies. Mother can be called by vibrating mobile if needed. Friends of mine did something similar but there where lots of kids who were all attended by a friend in another room. They had not really wanted children in attendance but thought this compromise made it easier for some people to attend.
There are places where kids belong. A wedding is not one of them. A friend of mine was in tears when she got her wedding video and you couldn’t hear the vows because of the screaming of a bored child who hadn’t been invited in the first place.
