Fuck’em. They’re lucky they got invited at all.
I invited a few people as “guest”, and I do mean FEW. Stop being a PITA, Miss Manners. We were Etiquette correct, anally so, IMO.
[snip] for etiquette’s sake[/snip]
Sorry Miss Scarlett Manners.
Sincerely,
Sam
Ah, I see. Your interest in etiquette surely does show.
I was not making judgment on your method, just adding some information (from an etiquette authority) to the discussion. I apologize for attempting to eradicate a bit of ignorance, as it was apparently not welcome in this thread.
Please carry on.
Oh, God.
Why did I come in this thread?
I’m off to pop a Xanax and obliviously glance through wedding favors on WeddingChannel. Not even gonna think about this happening…not gonna happen…
(By the way, Jeevmon - good luck. The same thing happened at my brother’s wedding in June, and I’m expecting similar things to happen at my own next September.)
Ava
At the risk of shattering what seems to be (almost) a consensus…
Wait a minute…
Who exactly is doing who a favour here? When you hold a wedding, you are asking friends and relatives to make time to celebrate YOUR happiness, bring YOU presents, and generally help YOU to have a wonderful time. In my view, they should be allowed to bring who the hell they want. The quid pro quo is that if the guest is “unexpected”, they bring something - wine or food - to keep the party flowing.
When I got married, I didn’t really expect anyone to turn up. But they did, and as well as all the faces I expected, there were crowds of people I’d never heard of. Yes, we “overflowed the space” and had a great time. It’s supposed to be a party, not a military manoeuvre.
Don’t even get me started on present lists…
Oh, and have a nice day!!
This is probably a hijack, but I have a question for those like Dinsdale who talk about it being inconsiderate to invite someone alone. Why would that be inconsiderate? It’s a gathering of family and friends. If you need to bring a date to have fun at such a gathering, you should probably stay home in the first place, IMO.
As for the OP, you need to call them now and explain that you’re so very sorry, but you have very, very severe space constraints, and you just can’t accommodate add-ons. It’s such a shame, and if only you could, and all that crap. Be a wall, man. You’ll have to stand firm in the face of offers to stand in the back, bring their own chairs, and god only knows what-all else. A polite and gentle, but very firm, “I’m so sorry, but we just can’t,” is going to be your best friend through this.
I’ve even known some people to use the tactic of making it sound like the misunderstanding is their own fault. You know, “Oh, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t find a way to explicitly say “No guests” without it sounding like I was specifically excluding Soandso. I was trying to avoid hurting people’s feelings, and I guess I just wasn’t clear enough. I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding.” This is usually segued into the above space constraint speech. This tactic allows the cretin to save face, while smoothing said cretin down and defusing arguments about whether or not Soandso can come.
A very good friend of mine pulled a really clever manoevre, in my books: open ceremony, reception by “specifically named invitation only.” If your name was not on the invitation, you were welcomed at the ceremony, and thank you so much for coming.
In this day and age, fewer and fewer couples actually need the wedding gifts they receive in order to get their households functional. Good thing, too - the haul has never been very reliable in the “useful” category. (My mother’s collection of napkin rings and swan-shaped salt-cellars comes to mind. She wanted pots and pans, and got finicky things for napkins and salt.)
Bottom line: your wedding, your bill, your way. Oh - and remember to eat something at dinner time.
I agree with CCL on the action you should take regarding the extras.
I can’t believe anyone for one second thinks it’s OK to bring someone that wasn’t specifically invited. Actually, I can believe it, and it disgusts me.
Once again : If your name is not on the invite, you aren’t welcome at the event. That includes your kids, your casual fling or even your spouse. If you’re offended, your choices include talking to the couple about it or refraining from attending, not showing up with who you thought “should’ve” been invited. That’s not your call to make.
People not showing up to my wedding - after some of them had begged and pleaded me into adding more guests that they had to bring - cost me hundreds of dollars in extra catering charges. If extra people had shown up it could have gotten us busted for fire codes and we literally wouldn’t have had enough places to seat people.
Just like if I’m throwing a regular party at which I’m providing food and sending out invitations, I expected people to RSVP for my wedding, and to not invite extras unless it’s obvious that I’ve made an oversight, in which case they should contact me before assuming.
The absolutely worst dates I have had are those where I’ve been the “and guest” of someone that I was casually dating. You’re not really one of the crowd, not in on the stories and jokes, and the only other people in your predicament are the other “and guests.”
On the other hand, I have had fantastic times at wedding where I’ve gone single and others have as well. I can only see it being uncomfortable if I were the only single person there. I’ve met some fun men there too! They look so nice all dressed up–and I’m feeling much more confident when I’m all dressed up myself!
Unless I’m seeing someone really seriously, I don’t bring a date to most family get togethers such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, graduations, etc. I don’t see why weddings have to be different. Plus, sometimes in the beginning of a relationship, the last thing I want to put into someone’s head is the thought of a wedding!
Um, what? A wedding isn’t a freakin’ keg party. It’s not a potluck either, unless the couple has designated it so. The couple most certainly has the right to limit the guest list, since they (or their families) are the ones paying for the damn thing. There’s no such thing as an inalienable right to attend a party.
When I got married, it was a special event that I wanted to share only with those closest to me. Not strangers.
For those with larger weddings or financial considerations, the couple may also not want to pay for strangers.
Scarlette,
You are correct, I have NO interest in etiquette-my time is done.
The problem I have with your brand of “ignorance eradication”, is you are ignoring the fact that there are many, many pools/opinions and autorities on etiquette. I assure you that everything done on our invites were cleared with by “Authorities”. You come off as trying to prove a point(rather stubbornly, I might add) rather than offering a bit of etiquette advice.
I’m sorry our use of “Guest” offends your more sensitive side.
Regards,
Sam
Maybe Miss Scarlette needs to understand that all wedding etiquette is regional, and And Guest is much more appropriate that some of the possibilities. My niece sent her father an invitation to her wedding addressed to Sperm Donor and The Woman of the Week.
It was appropriate, if not tasteful.
Ummmm, not to risk pissing jeevmon off any more than he is, but as someone who is apparently his only single friend who understood how the reply card worked (and mailed it back! I must get points for that, right?), perhaps I can elucidate this situation further.
Enclosed in the invitation was a cute little reply card, which, at the bottom, stated “Number of guests __”
Now I interpreted that as meaning that families with kids wouldn’t necessarily have all the kids listed by name, or that some family members (but not all ) might attend, so the hosts would need a specific headcount. Other wedding invitations I’ve received recently have had slightly different wording, i.e. “I will/will not be attending,” and respondents circle one.
One might also do well to keep in mind that individual invitation recipients have no idea about the specific verbiage used to invite other individual recipients, and you have a potential recipe for a great deal of confusion.
That said, I can understand all the frustration, especially at those guests who have decided to bring a casual (or even a platonic) date. I don’t understand the desire to bring someone to a wedding with whom you are not seriously involved. And hey, I’m hoping there will be a single guy or two there myself…
Scarlett, perhaps it was merely an oversight, but you seem to have missed the post above by our gentle friend, porcupine, wherein she quotes the esteemed etiquette expert, Emily Post as saying, with regard to wedding invitations, “If you may bring a guest, your invitation will read “Mr. John Phelps and guest.”” To be sure I wasn’t pointing out out-dated information, I checked the copyright on that site and found it to be this year. Additionally, the most recent publication date on the book from which this advice came is 2001.
Certainly you are well within your rights to abide by the rules of etiquette with which you feel most comfortable. However, it is clear that there are dissenting views amongst the leading authorities on this subject.
Ignorance is not always where you expect it.
Ya can’t win, I tell ya. I’ve gotten wedding invitations that don’t mention my daughter, so we show up without our daughter, and the bride and groom come up and say, “Well, why didn’t you bring your daughter? Of course she was invited!” :smack:
I’ve just gotten a strange one where apparently kids are allowed at the ceremony, but the reception is “adults only” (I don’t get it either. I thought that the reason for not inviting kids to weddings is because they could “ruin” the ceremony.) Given the difficutly of arranging babysitting in a town where every one you know is going to be at this wedding, we decided to decline outright. What do they expect you to do with your kids during the reception–stuff them in a closet?
I think I can explain that one, Tamex. A lot of receptions, especially for evening or late afternoon weddings, are expected to run very late, and nobody wants to deal with cranky kids up past bedtime, nor does the couple want everyone leaving early because it’s time to put said kids to bed.
The bride may have no particular worries about kids acting up during a 20-minute ceremony, but quite a few worries about somebody getting out of hand during a 4-hour reception. Or the church where the wedding is being held doesn’t allow you to have a no-kids ceremonies (I’ve heard of that and stranger rules on various wedding-planning boards). Or the couple doesn’t feel kids should be around the level of partying they expect at the reception. Or there are lots of insufferable teenagers they don’t want there, who wouldn’t necessarily be excluded by a no-kids rule. Or they don’t feel like paying for meals the kids will pick at.
I’ve seen and heard lots of reasons for open ceremonies and adults-only receptions. Personally, I think it makes at least as much sense as the Northeast tradition of inviting people to bits and pieces of the festivities.
(emphasis mine)
Let the record show that ettiquette compels couples to invite the spouses and live-in partners of their guests. So if you are married and you recieve a wedding invitation addressed only to you, the to-be-marrieds are the ones in the wrong.
It’s a bit late now, but would it be etiquettely acceptable to mention on the invitation (or accompanying letter) something like
“If we’ve forgotten to invite someone, please ring us so we can send another invitation”
The idea being that people with genuine SOs who you didn’t know about can bring them if you decide, and everyone who says “But you forgot to invite my bets friend’s dog” can be told “Oh, I’m so sorry! If we’d known earlier everyone needed to bring their best friend’s dog we’d have had a larger hall for the reception. Perhaps we could have dinner next time we’re in town, and catch up with the little carpet piddling thing?”
I think assuming people not listed on the invitation are in fact invited is amazingly rude. But I’m also a little puzzled: Why would you allow some of your (presumably single) friends and family to be “and guest” and then invite some others singly? Surely if you don’t know the SO – and really, if you, a close friend/relation, don’t even know their name, how “S” can they be? – but are willing to allow people to bring unknown guests, then that courtesy would be extended to all? There’s no etiquette involved here; I just don’t understand the thinking.
I think the idea that people only appear socially in pairs is absolutely ridiculous. If I am invited to a social function by myself, then I go alone, because I don’t have any reason to expect to be invited as part of a couple (I don’t have an SO). Why would anyone assume that an invitation includes someone not named on it, whom the people doing the inviting either don’t know or didn’t know well enough/like well enough to invite?
Horrifying.