Yeah, if I was married or had a long-term SO: (1) I would assume the couple would know him, or at least know me well enough to know of him and (2) would know the convention that you must invite both halves of an established couple to any mixed social event. So I would not hesitate to (3) call up and inquire “You did intend to invite Yorick as well, didn’t you?”
In retrospect, the numbering in this post was (4) unnecessary.
I didn’t state that etiquette demanded or did not demand spouses or live-ins be invited. I didn’t mention etiquette anywhere.
My point is, if you’re not on the invite, you aren’t invited. Yes, it may be rude and against all etiquette rules that A wasn’t invited but B was. That doesn’t mean that B can just say “Oh well, I’m bringing A anyway, because etiquette says blah, blah, blah.” The people on the invite are the ones invited. Period. If you have any queries, consult the couple, don’t just show up with who you think should’ve been invited. That’s just arrogant. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
If I read that right, that was inclosed in jeevmon’s invite?
If so, I can see why people are inviting dates!
I also have to make this point in regards to Tamex’s post.
If you are they type of person that doesn’t follow etiquette on a regular basis…
or someone who always offers an open invite (it’s a bar-b-q! bring all your friends!), it may confuse people when all of a sudden you are being strict with your list. I am NOT saying that this is ok, but I can see where a guest would think: “oh, SoandSo is so cool! They always have me bring a date. I am sure this time is no different!” That coupled with a guest line on the reply card… I can see (but not justify) the confusion.
Although there are many thoughts on ettiquette, I agree with Scarlett67.
But then again, I like to know who specifically is coming to my shindigs!
The cases where the “and guest” convention were used were fairly limited. In almost all the cases, they were people that I knew had significant others, but didn’t know their names. They were friends, but not necessarily very close ones, or people that I felt obligated to invite for one reason or another. In a couple of cases, I knew the first name but not the last, and therefore thought it would be simpler to just use the “and guest” convention because we had a rather tight deadline to get these things out. (And while I did have to call/email to get addresses, I felt it would be kind of tacky to ask who their SO was, since for all I knew, they may have broken up since the last time I got an update.)
And, as far as Eva Luna’s point, short of having different reply cards for coupled vs. non-coupled invites, there was no really efficient way to handle it. Invitations are not cheap generally, and the ones we ordered were definitely not. (Though they came out extremely well and we’ve had tons of compliments!)
Etiquette should be observed at all times; not just on special occasions.
About RSVPs…
The only etiquette-safe reason to break one is if you are deathly ill (and I don’t mean a cold), you’re dead, or if someone close to you has died.
I always found that amusing.
I too am a bit surprised to discover that invitations are sometimes sent out to an individual only, respectfully requesting he come alone. When single, I didn’t make a habit of keeping every friend appraised of my current romantic involvement and was thankful that every invitation I can remember did say “and guest”, thus negating a potentially awkward situation.
I am aware though that a great deal of effort and some agonizing goes into the list and respectfully accept the fact an oversight is unlikely.
I will say, however, that weddings are an absolutely wonderful event for singles to attend alone. Hands down there’s no better place for an unattached person to encounter the most desirable cream of the host’s crop of friends. Dressed to the nines and in a festive mood, it’s a bachelor and bachelorette paradise.
Congratulations jeevmon. I wish you the very best.
Just another Miss Manners fan chiming in. Obviously, America’s two leading etiquette authorities differ on the question of the ‘and Guest’ invitation.
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I just wanted to point out that Miss Manners also makes it clear (repeatedly) that the main concern of etiquette is to show consideration for others. I saw nothing in Scarlett67’s first post to suggest she was attempting to beat anyone over the head with the etiquette stick – a practice that Miss Manners herself decries as inconsiderate and rude. Scarlett67 was simply adding the input of another recognized authority (as she herself said, “the Miss-Manners-correct way”) to the discussion. I think this was highly appropriate of her and not an occasion for folks to get huffy.
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As for the OP, I also will second (third?) CrazyCatLady’s excellent advice for dealing with the uninvited.
GrizzRich brings up an important point, although he may not have meant it this way.
I have known many brides and grooms who in their daily lives never give two fucking shits about Emily Post or Letitia Baldridge or anyone/thing involved with formal etiquette and social niceties. They (like so many of us) go through life happily informal and blissfully ignorant of all the little rules and niceties. We get by without the rules, heathens that we are.
But by god, let those cream-colored invitations arrive in their neat little boxes, and suddenly the future Mr & Mrs. are up in arms about guests who “don’t understand etiquette.” I find it somewhat hypocritical.
Furthermore, a lot of brides and grooms are perfectly happy to bend traditional rules of etiquette when it doesn’t fit their needs. Registering for gifts is poor etiquette, for just one example. But most couples do it, and most guests are grateful for that.
So brides and grooms and parents who are fretting over the guest list: can’t you find it in your heart to be a little understanding? Maybe your offending guests don’t know etiquette. Or maybe they go by the alternative etiquette rules cited above, that significant others are understood to be invited. You just don’t know. So have some compassion, and add to your list of tasks “Follow-up to deal with the people who made the wrong assumption.” If you’ve got a limited guest list, so much so that you’ve had to ask guests to come without dates, then you have to accept that you might have the extra, unpleasant task of gently letting clueless people know that their date isn’t invited. It comes with the territory.
A note on “and guest” - while I agree that bringing someone you’ve just started seeing to a wedding is kind of crap, there are some weddings where you just won’t know anyone other than the bride/groom. In such a case, it can be a great relief to be able to bring a buddy.
Another point regarding uninvited guests showing up that happened at our wedding is that the bride and groom have carefully selected the level of guests; we decided that we were inviting friends and immediate family only. I had two pairs of aunts and uncles blow into town the day of the wedding and show up for the wedding uninvited - this was totally unfair to all of Jim’s aunts and uncles who weren’t invited because we weren’t inviting that level of family.
A wedding is not like a big party; for one thing, it’s damned expensive (our tiny wedding cost $3000!). For another, there usually has been a lot of thought given to the invitees by the couple that should not be disregarded, even if the reasoning isn’t obvious to the casual observer.
I have just four words:
Thank God for Vegas.
After SkipMagic and I tied the knot, my mom threw a small party for us in her home. We asked for RSVPs to plan for food (which we made ourselves) and the number of (not cheap!) party favors we’d need.
Out of the 20 people invited, we had one who asked to bring an extra person (and then didn’t end up coming at all), and one who called my mother to RSVP and informed her that she’d be bringing TWO extra people (and then on the day of the party arrived two people short), explaining that the two people in question were so fond of me that they’d hate to miss a party in my honor.
This is how I know that I never could have survived planning an actual wedding. This kind of shit on a large scale would drive me crazy.
That said, if for some reason I DID have to plan a wedding, I think I’d just put “And Guest” on everyone’s invitation (though I was taught that etiquette dictates that you should address each guest by name) to save myself the headache of having to deal with people like the ones in the OP.
I’ve seen two of my friends go through hell with the same situation, and although I sympathized (as I do with jeevmon), I wondered if it wouldn’t have been a better idea (because it would have been easier on both of them) to have just added “and guest” to the invitations for single folks.
Hmmm…that’s never worried anyone in my husband’s family before. Either the parents leave early, the kids nap on the chairs, or they join in the polka until midnight! If the kids are cranky, the parents generally leave; if the kids are good, the parents stay. Seems to work.
Maybe Catholic churches don’t allow no-kids ceremonies, so this was the next-best compromise for the couple. I know it’s their right to invite whomever they want, but, in this case, it means that none of us can go. Oh well.
I had people who RSVP’d and not show up for my wedding because of horrendous weather, and I didn’t know I was supposed to hold it against them! I’d rather have them safe and sound than stranded on the side of the road and freezing to death in an attempt to uphold “etiquette”!
Well I’d rather be called “and guest” than “and escort” as my fiancee’s cousin put on the invitation (we were engaged at the time).
I mean maybe escort sounds more fancy, but it also makes it sound as though “you’re not invited, we just need you to bring the invited person there”.
We had one of burundi’s cousins call to ask if her husband’s out-of-town kids could come to the ceremony: they were going to be visiting their dad for awhile, and dad didn’t want to leave them back in Ohio when he came down for our NC wedding.
Fine, we said; bring 'em along!
Then they called back and asked whether his out-of country Welsh relatives could come to our wedding; they were also visiting, you see…
I made burundi put a stop to that.
And then one invitation informed us that they would be bringing 43 guests and a pack of hound dogs. We never did figure out which wiseass sent that card back :).
Otherwise, people were very good about attending with the right number of guests. We did our best to be laid-back about the whole thing, and had an absolute blast.
Daniel
Actually, I had a different interpretation of “and escort” which was even less complimentary. 
The whole thing is a minefield. By creating three types of cards you are effectively creating three classes of person.
Name & Name - both accepted friends.
Name & Guest - friend with someone you might like to know.
Name - friend either without someone you don’t want to know, or just without anyone because you don’t think they could get a date.
Whatever happens, the scope for causing offense is endless.
This is why Weddings are evil and best avoided by all.
Great minds must think alike. Either that, or we’ve both been browsing the more interesting sections of the Reader.
What region is this considered good manners?
I won’t explain myself besides pasting some of the text from www.weddingchannel.com which is where a majority of the etiquette subjects we didn’t already know came from.
Now, for a few family members(not friends) whom we didn’t know names of SOs, or weren’t in any sort of communication with due to certain family dynamics, we used “guest”. I’m satisfied with the propriety of its use. I’m sorry some of you aren’t.
Sam