My soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that we couldn’t possibly be serious about not inviting all of her niehbors and friends to our wedding. So she saved us the trouble and printed her own invitations and brought 20 extra people!
She figured it was all right because she brought several foil trays of chip-chop ham on buns and some oreo cookies.
She (mom-in-law) came from a catholic family and seemed genuinely surprised we would skip all the ritual and frippery of a “big catholic wedding”. At the rehearsal, which she was not invited to, and not a part of, she kept asking about when she would be escorted up the aisle, lighting candles and what not. I politely told her “Thanks, not necessary” so many times I lost count. By the way, she had not been involved in the planning at all and did not spend a dime, we paid for the wedding ourselves.
So then the ceremony starts, she is seated by an usher, then she gets up, walks to the front of the aisle, walks to the back, and then proceeds to march down the aisle unescorted and seats herself again! I must have mistakenly put on the invite that the wedding would be held in Fantasy-Land.
It’s not like we were a young hippy couple or something, we were in our 40’s and my wife was widowed. We just wanted a small wedding.
Sorry, Goo. I thought you were defending the couple’s right to not invite half of a married couple and that your post implied that people were justified in doing so.
I agree 100% that crashing a wedding is arrogant. The suggestions in this thread to call the b & g to correct the oversight seem like the most sensible ones.
Having spent some time at a wedding message board during my planning, I’ve come to the conclusion that weddings bring out the very worst in everyone involved. As much as I enjoyed it, I will never, ever do it again.
Whoops, only the bolded bit was a quote from Cranky. Is it bad etiquette of me to make a whole other post to point that out? Or would it be rude to let it slide? Oh, I just don’t know any more!!
~runs out dramatically waving arms and sobbing like Jan Brady~
This is a social event, not a business deal. There is no “quid pro quo”. If you don’t think you’re being treated fairly at the wedding, maybe you should sue for breach of contract :rolleyes:
Your attitude that honoring someone with your presence is a huge favor, and anyone lucky enough to be so graced should be so grateful as to accept whatever terms you decide upon, is conceited and quite rude.
And if you really feel this way, you shouldn’t invite anyone to your wedding. A basic rule of etiquette is that the person extending the favor makes the offer, and the recipient of the favor accepts or rejects it. “Inviting” someone to do you a favor is quite rude.
As for the blissezine article, I find the idea of “mandatory” invitations silly. And while you should not ask the bride and groom to allow you to bring an additional guest, there is nothing wrong with asking if you may bring an additional gift. This is a subtle difference that many people do not understand.
If an “unexpected guest” decides to show their cheapskatin fucking ass at my wedding, unannounced, unwanted, unknown, and they bring me a cheap fucking gift, they deserve a punch in the mouth. Per person, my reception MEAL cost me $40. Add to that beer or other refreshments, the $300 of Hors d’oeuvres served pre-meal and other assorted costs including the reception rental.
10 unwanted, unwarranted, unknown, unannounced guests just cost me $750-1000 additional dollars. Unless they’re paying their way in cash and making a substantial cash donation as a gift or during the money dance, forget it.
We got lucky and the additional guests evened out with the guests who didn’t show and we only lost on on maybe $150.
Is so positively absurd, I’m having trouble believing someone wrote it. I mean, imagine:
“Hey folks - sorry to gate crash on your wedding, causing you extra expense and discomfort for your invited guests as they try to make room for me, but look - I brought a macaroni salad - that makes it ok, right?”
In a couple of weddings I have been to there has been a succesfull compramise.
There was a Wedding Cerimony and formal Wedding Reception on the day of the wedding. To which only very limited numbers of specificaly named people were invited. On another date there was a wedding party to which allmost anyone could come, and many many were invited, this was a bring a bottle event with food provided by a group of close friends working together. Though the invites to these weddings weren’t written so, it would have worked to have made them very blunt as to the fact that only the named people were invited to the wedding&reception but anyone was invited to the party.
GaWd, hope that last post didn’t cause an aneurism or anything. It’s a shame that you didn’t register for a sense of humor. It would have served you better than those stupid monogrammed towels.
I’m appalled by the rationale that an uninvited guest is possibly okay – you know, so long as they bring an expensive gift to pay for themselves.
Uninvited guests are NOT okay.
And, SAM, you need to take a deep breath and recognize that just because you think something is okay under your rules of etiquette, that doesn’t mean it’s okay under everyone’s rules of etiquette, and people who are sticklers to a greater degree than you are, are not that way to piss you off or make you look or feel bad.
My mother worships at the altar of Miss Manners and raised me to do the same. I also adore the Etiquette Grrls, because although they’re a wee bit Pretentious with their Random Capitalization and their faux French, they’re also amusing and take the extremely high road on matters of etiquette.
So if and when I marry, the only way I’ll send out an invitation to “Bob Smith and Guest” is if Bob’s SO’s last name happens to be Guest, in which case it will read “Bob Smith and Joe Guest.” And there will be a money dance, or a money tree, over my dead cold body. And I will not be registering for gifts, or in any way acting like I expect to be given gifts, and I will not be using response cards, though of course I see that both gift registries and response cards make life much, much easier.
This is not a reflection on anyone else’s marriage or weddings. I don’t expect everyone else to be such a tight ass in matters of manners on formal occasions, but I will reserve the right to have a wedding I think is tasteful and proper, and if that makes me a PITA in the eyes of some, so be it. I won’t be doing it for anyone else, or to show anyone else up. But I’m also not going to act like I think dollar dances or requests for honeymoon donations or plastic champagne flutes or any number of other “traditions” are okay when IMO they are not.
An aneurism? What makes you think I even got a blip on the old Sphygmo’ while typing that last post out? Maybe you’re reading into my bolding a bit much…
As for a sense of humor Lisa, How about you register for a clue, mmmkay? I know you wouldn’t approach an extra $1000 leaving your pocket with a “sense of humor”. No realistic, strapped-for-cash person would.
That’s fine Jodi, but Scarlett came off as a mega-smartass “informing” me that I was incorrect and trying to eradicate ignorance. If I had not checked it out and spent so much time with my wife on this(and the whole wedding), I wouldn’t have taken any offense at all to her statement. However, we did spend a lot of time, energy and money making sure to be etiquette-acceptable and that’s why it strikes a nerve.
Money dance not acceptable? Hmm. Well, maybe it’s regional or a family thing…
Sam, there are all kinds of etiquette sites and sources proclaiming all sorts of things to be “according to etiquette.” Some are appropriate to traditional etiquette, and some things are most decidedly not: money trees, registries that consist of a bank account number to which cash depoits can be made, having guests address their own thank-you notes. All sorts of things are promoted in the name of “etiquette.” I am not saying that the sources you quoted were “good” or “bad”; just that (as others have correctly said) arbiters of etiquette are all over the map.
I was not attacking anyone’s choices; in fact, as I recall, I did say that people are free to do things however they want. But some etiquette sources will disagree with the propriety of certain things. porcupine noted that Emily Post* approves the use of “and guest” (which surprises me); I wished to point out that Miss Manners does not. Yes, I quoted you as an example, but I did not call you names or call YOU incorrect – I simply said that Miss Manners frowns on “and guest.” Any use of “you” in my previous posts was intended as the generic “you” as in “any person.” I also don’t recall having indicated any personal offense (as you hinted) at how you worded your invitations.
You, however, were kind enough to to get all offended and call me a “PITA” (pain in the ass) for attempting to make sure that my point (namely, that it’s a simple task to find out a prospective guest’s name) was understood. If making sure that my point is clear makes me a “smartass,” then yes, I am a smartass.
But thanks to Aholibah and Jodi for backing me up.
*With a copyright date of 2001, I suspect that this is Peggy Post talking, and not her late great-grandmother-in-law (or whatever) Emily Post. I suspect Emily would be rolling in her grave over the use of “and guest.” Not to diss Peggy, of course; usually I agree with her.
You were being stubborn, which made you sort of a PITA, I’m sorry, for the last time if your more sensitive side was offended(this is the pit though-grow a skin).
I didn’t say you were wrong, but I wanted to make sure that you understand that our sources of etiquette are just as “good” as yours.
Scarlett is not posting to eradicate your “ignorance.” I saw her posts as being helpful. There are other posters, like me, who appreciated her comments and advice.
A couple of people have suggested that your reaction was maybe, I dunno, a little extreme? Just wanted to add my agreement. That opinion, and a $1.50 will get you a cup of Peets coffee.
Anyway, congrats on your wedding. Wish you many years of happiness.
Thanks to Scarlett, **Jodi[/] and everyone else with etiquette information.
Jodi, I think you’re confusing etiquette and traditions/preferences.
Having a gift registry is a tradition or preference. There really is no etiquette regarding having one or not. The etiquette comes in when you start getting into how it’s executed and conducted. It would be completely improper to include one’s registry information in the invitation, for instance. But inquiries by guests to the MOB or MOH can be directed to the registry without violating any etiquette guidelines.
While I agree that the money dance is tacky and that would’ve happened at my wedding over my dead body, as well, it’s a matter of tradition. There are some cultures where that’s what’s done. To each their own as far as that goes.
Whether one has formal, engraved invitations, handmade ones, ones with calligraphy or computer printed with a fancy font – whether they contain that silly little tissue paper or an inner and outer envelope; those are all matters of preference and style. The etiquette comes in with regard to how invitees are listed when one is addressing written invitations. And in this case, the experts are divided when it comes to the use of the words “and guest.”
Therefore, it’s not a matter of one person being “sticklers to a greater degree” than another. That alone implies that one is “more correct” than the other (even without coming right out and saying it – and even if it’s not intended). It is that air of superiority that is sticking in some of our craws. While you may be a Judith Martin worshiper, GaWd may be an Emily Post worshiper. Why would you even imply that because he is following one authority and you’re following another that he is not as concerned with matters of manners?
Knowing you as I do from these boards, I’m quite certain that you do not mean to come across as condescending or superior at all. But, in fact, you are. I’m sure he feels his wedding was as tasteful and proper as one you would plan. And it’s clear that he and his bride took great pains to research proper invitation etiquette when addressing their invitations. That they chose to abide by Emily Post’s rules and not Judith Martin’s is hardly a reflection of ill-manners on their part.
Scarlett, you can backpedal all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that you were attacking his choices. You came trotting in here claiming to be THE AUTHORITY on what’s right and proper, completely ignoring a previous post that disproved your stance that YOUR way is the RIGHT way. You were NOT erradicating ignorance, you were BEING ignorant. And rude, condescending and insulting to boot.
As I said above, it seems to me that GaWd and his bride took great pains to follow as much proper etiquette as they could. You, on the other hand, could learn a few things.
With all respect, you’ve taken those posts out of context. The last was in direct response to GaWd’s IMHO rude reply. Not that Scarlet needs my help, but I thought she showed remarkable restraint at being called a PITA.
IMHO, I saw Scarlet’s post(s) as just adding information to this thread. I don’t see that as a bad thing, even for a rant in the Pit. I learned something, anyway.
I don’t think she was claiming to be an authority, don’t think she was slamming GaWd’s choices. Actually, I read her comments much like I read your statement about how money dances are “tacky” and how you’d only have one over your “dead body.” You might agree that someone could take offense at that statement when none was intended.
Besides, in my opinion, etiquette (in all of it many forms) is best used as a guide, with the sole intention of providing polite or considerate interaction between people.