Kids are going to experiment with identity, including the way that consumer goods figure in to it. It’s normal and it’s fine. Chances are he will try it out and eventually revert to the values he was raised with.
We all spend money on things that are not strictly necessary (even you, I promise you. You may not have designer clothes but you have something you indulge in.) The trick is to teach a kid to recognize the difference between “want” and “'need”, to understand the trade-offs involved in indulgent purchases, and to really savor the occasional treat rather than seeing them as an automatic entitlement. You don’t have to raise your kid to be a monk. You just have to raise him to have some awareness of what’s going on and a balanced approach to these types of choices.
I’d tell him you think the whole thing is silly, and explain why. Then I’d tell him he can spend his own money on it, if that’s what’s important to him, and help him see the trade-offs. When he does get one, treat it as a little special, and allow him to see it as a special thing.
I am not a parent, though I hope to be one soon. With that said, I think a large part of successful parenting is learning to simply say ‘no’ with consistency and calm. You are the parent. As long as your kid is not malnourished or going around naked, you’re doing your duty as far as physical objects are concerned. You do not, in any sense, owe your kid a designer sweatshirt or anything else.
Beyond that, the best way to teach values is by example. Children learn by observation far more than by lecture. That’s not to say that we should never communicate our desired values directly to children, but the leading by example part of child-rearing is by far the most important. If the kid sees you being frugal and reasonable in your own purchases, the point will eventually get across. Eventually.
My son is 12 and sets his own style. He likes bright patterns and prints and will wear crazy colours etc for any and all occasions, even if the occasion is “its Fancy Friday. The girls in the class and I decided.”
A girl in his class was telling him what kind of brand name shoes he should get because his current ones were getting ratty.
He called her, " A “Fashion Republican!” He then ranted at her “I have never carried about a brand name on any shoe I have ever worn and I am not going to start carrying now, not because of some girl who two years ago was carrying a Frozen backpack! Go listen to your One Direction downloads and stop being a shoe-bully.”
I heard all this through the grapevine from the mother of one of the other girls. (Not the “Fashion Republican”, another girl who was sitting there.)
I asked my son what he meant by that. He said “Well it was the worst thing I could think of at the time.” (We live in Canada.)
I don’t know how to get your son on board, but I suspect it is a phase he will grow out of. My advice is to try what my parents did with my brother and me. They paid for basic, no name apparel. For instance if Sears jeans were $20 , and I wanted some brand name ones that were $35 I would be kicking in the other 15 dollars myself. These days I buy brand names at thrift stores and consignment stores, but I am not usually buying for name brand, I am buying for quality fabric and construction.
I have an obligation to clothe my child. I do not have the obligation to chase every fashion trend currently popular in the middle school halls. I understand the shame of not fitting in…my parents weren’t wealthy, and there was a time I had two pairs of pants to see me through the week at school.
Teaching a child the value of money is more important than whether he has a Puma sweatshirt. Other sweatshirts can keep you just as warm.
A friend’s 13 year old son loves expensive sports shoes. His dad takes him shopping and he uses his own money to buy difficult to find shoes (?) which he then sells on eBay for a profit. He’s been doing this for a while, so he now has a bank account, nice shoes, and a hobby.
When I was a kid, Members Only jackets were the coolest thing ever. Of course my parents were not going to drop $70 (or whatever) on a “designer” jacket for a little kid, who is either going to grow out of it or lose it in about three weeks.
They got me a generic brand Members Only jacket and somehow got their hands on the little tag that said “Members Only.” My mom sewed it in the proper place below the breast pocket. I was the coolest kid in school for a whole week, because I was the only one with a “real” Members Only jacket. I still think it was a really thoughtful thing that my parents did – sometimes these sorts of things mean much more to a kid than an adult.
And of course, by high school I didn’t care a bit about labels.
Last year (4th grade), The Nephew got home almost in tears one day because, while his Real Madrid uniform was current, the shoes were those from the previous year. One of the neighborhood kids had made fun of him for it.
The Proud Daddy: “Do these shoes fit?”
The Nephew: “ Yes :(”
The Proud Daddy: “Do you get paid to change your shoes and your clothes every year?”
The Nephew: “ Uh? No!”
The Proud Daddy: “Well, the Real Madrid players do. When you get paid to change your shoes every year, like they do, you’ll change your shoes every year. Meanwhile, you change your shoes when they don’t fit right anymore. All right?”
The Nephew: “OK!”
He’s a ridiculously reasonable kid, though.
Note that there isn’t anything wrong with selecting things from a certain brand so long as it’s for the right reasons. I wore Escada back when it was new, and I still wear their clothes now because they fit right back then and they fit right now. Levi’s, you’ll never see me in because their designers think I’m the wrong shape (I’ve actually won bets on that subject). With that knowledge, I’m a lot more likely to try on a pair of trousers that have the double-e logo than one saying Levi’s… but it’s because I have that knowledge, the logo itself I couldn’t care less about.
OK…so…does that mean you agree with my post? Does making the kid pay for just the difference between a no-name sweatshirt and a popular brand-name sweatshirt adequately teach him the value of money? Does that constitute not chasing every fashion trend?
Or are you advocating for the “thou shalt not wear Puma” approach?’
Or are you advocating for the “if you want Puma, you can pay for your entire sweatshirt” approach?
Switch peer groups. i.e. move to a different school - one with a lot of diversity, but a lot of “hippie parents.”
Although you still may find that your kid is the one that gravitates to the two other kids in school who cares about brands.
Clothing is a tribal marker. Your son wants to belong to the tribe that has Puma logos on their sweatshirts. Why? Pay attention to that peer group - talk to the teacher, volunteer in the classroom. If its one you want him to belong to (the kids with Puma sweatshirts turn out to be the hardworking decent kids, while the no brand name kids are the next generation of glue sniffers), then the Puma sweatshirt is worth it - not just to him, to you. If the kids with Puma sweatshirts are the next generation of glue sniffers - then you need to figure out what is going on with your kid that he is attracted to those individuals.
I foresee in the future…BUT DAD, you got me Testors brand airplane glue to, um, glue my models. Testors is so old school. All the kids nowadays use Comet brand airplane glue for their, um, models…"
This one. If I buy a perfectly good sweatshirt (because I can’t afford the Puma) and the kidlet wants a Puma sweatshirt and is willing to work for the money to buy it, I will give them every opportunity to earn the dough.
On a more general note. Don’t make shopping a hobby or regular activity in the first place. I know plenty of adults that have. And they will manage to find something they “need” every time they go. And they have more unused and barely used stuff they have trouble findin a good place to put it all.
If you don’t get in that habit in the first place, you are only going to go when it is much more likey you DO actually need said thing.
Because it’s not just about the cost difference in the shirt. It’s understanding the value of money and how to save up for what you want and then deciding if you really want it.
I agree with those who say that you should provide the amount of the basic no-frills sweatshirt, and if the kid wants to kick in extra money for the brand name one, he can do so.
I can also see the argument for making the kid pay for the whole thing. The above strategy isn’t really non-consumerist, it’s neutral-consumerist. Making the kid pay for the whole thing effectively increases the cost to him of being brand conscious, which might make him reconsider how much it’s really worth.
I don’t think I agree with that, since it seems sort of unfair and arbitrary.
Imagine you bought your kid an old but serviceable car to serve his transportation needs. He wanted it to look nicer, so he paid for a nice paint job on it. Is it reasonable to forbid him from doing so unless he pays for the full cost of the car?
ETA: When I reached teenagerdom, My mom gave me a budget for my clothes. She’d tell me I needed a pair of shoes, x pairs of jeans, x shirts, and whatever, and here’s a set amount of money. I could spend more of my own money to get brand name, or I could search goodwill and keep the surplus for video games. I got to spend on what mattered to me (with some oversight to make sure I ended up with serviceable stuff). I did some of both, as my peer group and social pressures changed over time.
Why would you buy a plain sweatshirt for your kid as a Christmas present? Shouldn’t clothing, especially non-brand, plain clothing, just be something you get for him? Seems like the Puma sweatshirt would have made a fine gift, since it was a one-time special occasion.
Heh, I’m wearing one right now. A 1980’s Members Only leather jacket to be precise. My wife and I gave it to my Dad for Christmas the year we were married. He took meticulous care of it and, when he died, Mom gave it to me. It’s my favorite jacket and quite warm. For a Georgia winter, anyway!
I agree with everyone else. Teach him values, and that he can choose to save his own money and spend it on luxury items, he’ll probably be fine. Wanting the coolest brands is usually a temporary thing.
I haven’t heard of it happening, but I wonder if there are any anti-consumerist/hippie parents that lean on that too hard, and then the kids rebel and end up being the most consumerist, Kardashian-worshipping kids possible. It definitely seems possible if you push too hard.
I’m sorry you went through all that, I’m glad you survived.
Sounds like you might have a young hipster in the making, but I have to say that “Fashion Republican” is a hilarious insult.
Yes :(”
Uh? No!”