How to react to a new tranny?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, so I’m in the theatre last night, after the opening night of our college’s production of Jesus Christ, Superstar and I run into a guy that was really big in our local theatre a couple of years ago. Except he isn’t. She is. I mean, yeah, I’d seen him in drag before (he does it REALLY well) but I had no idea he was going for the whole thing.

Now, I’m a very open-minded kinda guy, here; It’s just that – shit. It took me a minute to actually comprehend that he was a she now. We talked for a couple minutes, she asked me what I’ve been up to, I told her. I think I may have acted badly; I think I may have stared.

How do I ask her what her name is? I know his name was Craig; and she knows I know that. And yes, I know it’s rude to probe and ask all the questions I have, so I won’t do that but I’ve gotta know what to call her. Should I just ask what she prefers to be called?

2

Sure, I don’t see how asking for her new name would be a bad thing. And who knows, maybe a lot of your questions will be answered by just casually carrying on the conversation.

3

Asking us what our new/preferred name is is a really polite thing to do, don’t worry.

As long as you don’t follow up with questions about her operative/hormonal status, you aren’t rude.

(Pet peeve of mine, the word “tranny” isn’t the most flattering word to refer to a trans person when used by a non-trans one.)

4

I opened this thread thinking it was automotive in nature. Really, no foolin’.

With no personal experience in the area (the only t-g person I ever knew face to face had been a she for years before I ever met her) I’d go with Coldy’s gut reaction. Just ask.

(Confirmed by Lazz, I see. So I’m not totally clueless, I guess.) :smiley:

5

I thought it said “tyranny.”

6

A pet peeve of mine has long been the branding of some words (they are legion - f*g, ni**er, etc.) as offensive unless they’re being used by a member of a certain group. They’re either offensive or they’re not, and reserving their use to certain people seems to me to be hypocritically perpetuating the discrimination based on membership in a particular group that we’re supposedly trying to diminish.

That being said, asking her how she prefers to be addressed is the polite and proper option, IMO.

7

Is it that you don’t understand the concept of taking back a word to remove the power behind it, or you don’t understand why it’s not sociqally acceptable for someone outside that group to say it?

8

Heh, Aholibah I read “tyranny” as well and was looking forward to reading some government-criticizing. After I finished the post, there was a huge question mark floating above my head until I re-read the subject line again, heh.

9

Actually, this is a pet peeve of mine. I’ve never understood what would make a term like this bad. I mean, I’m gay, and feel the same way about the different words to describe that. A word like tranny never struck me as derogatory, just as a less cumbersome way of saying transgendered or transsexual. Kind of like the difference between just using gay in a sentence, instead of homosexual.

Now, I can understand that the word doesn’t sound very ladylike, but neither does trans. In a situation like this though, there is no real way to get around using such words, kind of like how there is no real way to get around mentioning my sexual preference and bringing the word gay into the conversation. It is just simple, direct, language. Anyone can understand what he means and it gets the point across.

I never have a problem with peoples word choice, it is just the intentions behind them. If someone is beating me up because I am gay, even their use of a clinically sterile term such as homosexual is going to be pretty darn hurtful. Now if I am among friends and someone uses a word like fag, I am not going to be offended so long as it wasn’t used in a derogatory fashion. Same applies to someone I’ve just met. If they use fag, minus the hateful intentions, their word choice is the last thing I am going to be worried about. Obviously the OP wasn’t using the word in a derogatory fashion, just trying to explain a problem, and quite nicely, IMO, ask about how he should go about asking his friend some relatively simple, but difficult to approach, questions.

I just think that the focus needs to be taken off of the words themselves, and be put on the intentions behind them.

10

Let me explain why I don’t like the word “tranny”:

-It strips me of my gender identity. I’m a young man, or a transboy, not a tranny, when used alone this word makes me feel like I’m some kind of third-gendered stuff and that it allows people not to think of me as a “real” boy, whatever it means.
It’s similar to when people put up a questionnary and ask “Are you gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered ?” without allowing multiple choices, forgetting that gay ftms (which I am) and lesbian mtfs exist and putting all of us in the “other” category.

-When used in “trannyboy”, it makes me feel like I’m some cute little thing, harmless and all, not a boy but “boy-lite”, coupled with lost of assumptions about how I was socialized. It makes me think of some lesbian spaces who are all “trannybois are hottt” while transwomen…well, just don’t talk about it.
I have come to kinda associate this word with fetishization.

-It sounds really ugly to my ears, and I don’t like to be called by an ugly word, period. The word “pédé” is fag in French, I find this word ugly and I don’t use it to describe myself, except maybe once or twice a year to shock people.
In French the word “trans” is pronounced with a s like in “bliss”, I like it, the word “tranny” is pronounced in the other hand with a really hard “r”, not really nice. It’s like I’m clearing my throat.

I wasn’t looking to debate about the use of “inside” words since we’re not in GD, I was only making the observation that I dislike this specific word, “tranny”, I should have thought I would have to explain more or say nothing at all.

Whether people have bad or good intentions behind their use of the word is irrelevant to me when it makes me feel like I said, but since this is my point of view, it’s why I indicated the use of this word was my pet peeve and why I didn’t say “don’t use it, it’s offensive”. (well, at least that was what I was trying to convey.)

11

I’ve found that polite honesty works best. Something like, “I’m sorry if I was staring, I was kinda taken by surprise. If you don’t mind my asking, what name do you go by now?”

12

I’ve found that polite honesty works best. Something like, “I’m sorry if I was staring, I was kinda taken by surprise. If you don’t mind my asking, what name do you go by now?”

13

Lazz,
I liked you posts here-- very interesting issues I’ve never had the opportunity to consider. I’ve only known one transexual and have never had the opportunity to really discuss it with anyone, so, like with many issues, members of this list are the first real voices I hear about some things.
Dumb question: difference between transgender and transexual? Does this run along the line of the difference between “gender” and “sex”, where one is a cultural identity and one is a physical characteristic? One is adopting the cultural characteristics of the gender you know you belong to, and the other involves an operation and medications? And “transvestite” is (as the term suggests) simply excercising apparel preferences without any particular implications for gender/ sex/ sexual preferences?
(Sorry, all, if there’s been an “ask the transexual/ transgender” threat that I’ve missed. . .)

14

Lazz, I understand what you mean now. I failed to realize that by using that word, that it would strip you of your gender identity. I was thinking more along the terms of the gay and the various forms of the word, but none of those strip you of your gender, which is, unlike sexual preference, how someone actually sees themselves. Just chalk it up as a lack of real thought about the matter on my part. I made it a word choice issue, rather ignoring the underlying gender issue.

I follow you exactly now, and thank you for taking the time to explain your reasons.

15

Not to hijack this post but…

As a black man, when I hear another black person drop the “N” bomb, I know they’re not using the word in a racist way; why would someone say something offensive about themselves? It’s different when it comes from a white person. How do you really know their intent? It’s kinda like when you were a kid, and you called your brothers or sisters every mean name in the book, but when someone else called them names, it was fightin’ time.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t like hearing that word from anyone. My skin crawls when it slips from a non-black person, but I don’t worry as much when it’s coming from a brothah.

16

My soon to be ex brother in law is workin on changing over to female.
Has done the name change and from what my sis says has developed cleavage as well…

Okay so I had to visit him a couple months ago… please forgive me folks but I almost couldn’t control the urge to laugh hysterically… I always thought him a damned ugly man… now she’s a damned ugly woman…hey but her hair looked absolutely fabulous!

Me to overprotective roomie(female) I need to talk to Dale or Jen or whatever she wants to be called

Her( in a voice that would freeze lava): SHE is named Jennifer.

Me: um okay SHE knows what I need to see her for…

17

LAZZ, I would only respectfully point out that a lot of people looking in on your world from the outside – some of us way outside, geographically or otherwise – might not understand the rationale behind the distinctions you’re drawing. For example, to you being called a “transboy” is okay, but being called a “trannyboy” is not. I would not have thought it would be okay to call you either, because where I come from calling any male above the age of about 16 a “boy” implies a lack of maturity and/or independence, and is therefore probably mildly . . . well, if not insulting, at least irksome.

I’m just pointing out that some of the distinctions you’re drawing seem very fine indeed to us outsiders, and I hope you have patience with us. It is of course always appropriate to refer to someone by the terms he or she prefers, but sometimes it’s hard to know or keep track of just what those terms are.

And I also thought this thread was about auto repair. :slight_smile:

18

Pause in neutral, apply size 13 Ferragamo pump to clutch pedal, release the clutch, pop the throttle, depress the clutch, and move into gear, pop the throttle again, and release the clutch.

19

Isn’t that kind of racist of you? That is to say, the whole thing of taking back the word to rob it of its negative power does not rob it of its negative power at all, if certain people can still offend you by using it.

20

I should let the guy answer for himself, but MONZA didn’t say he was ever not offended by it. And he didn’t say anything about “taking the word back.” In fact, he said “I don’t like hearing that word from anyone.” He just rightly pointed out that the motivation of the term when used by a black man is very likely not going to be putting down black people generally – because the speaker is a black person. There’s no such built-in assurance when a white person uses it. How does that make him racist?

I totally understand this. I don’t like being called a bitch, not even teasingly by my women friends. But I sure as hell prefer to hear it from them than from some guy whose motivations may not be so benign. Does that make me . . . what? Genderist?