“We don’t accept any telephone solicitations. Please put this number on your do-not-call list.” click
Hi. Oh, I’m busy at this time, can you leave your number so I can call back when I’m finished?
“I am sorry but I am house-sitting” is my normal response. I have also found that answering as if it is a business line is effective - " I am sorry, but she’s stepped out. Can I help you with something or take a message" generally gets a response of “Is this a business line?” to which I gleefully respond yes.
Although I did once tell the local cable company that I was living in a “real world” house and that trying to get the house to make a decision about upgrading the cable package would be tantamount to WWIII. I don’t know if she believed it, but I don’t care 
“Sorry. Wrong number.” The machine gets the next call.
“What are you wearing?”
“YOU WOKE MY BABY…YOU BASTARD!!”
“Here Colby, (my 10 year old son) talk to this person.”
“We buried him today.”
“Can you hold on a minute, I’ve got to go throw up.”
“Does it come in mauve?”
“My master doesn’t let me use the phone. Now I’m going to be punished.”
“Are your parents also your cousins?”
“Oh yeah. That’s right. Right there. Oh yeah.”
“Exa huntu toinbo?”
I really hated the ones that asked for some-one by a first name, as if they were a friend.
‘Just what do you want to talk to my spouse about? Oh, you’re selling something? Yeah, I’ve never heard that one before. You just better be there to pick up the pieces.’
One of my favorites is putting the handset down by the computer speakers, especially if I’m playing a violent shooter kind of game. Something about gunfire and horrible screams of pain makes them go away…
Ring Ring
“Bueno” (My friends & family know I do this)
“Hello, may I speak to Matchka?”
“Bueno? No comprende” (playing up the Mexican accent)
“Is there anyone there who speaks English?”
“No. No habla Engles.”
If they start shooting back in Spanish I switch to Arabic. Never English.
Well, here’s a basic transcription of how I made the ‘switch your long distance provider’ telemarketer go away once:
Salesdroid: Hello, jweb. I’m calling you today about a great offer to switch long distance companies blah blah blah blah…
jweb: Ok. But I think there’s been some mistake. You see, I don’t have a phone.
Salesdroid (in canned-response mode): Well, sir, that’s why we… ummmm… (mental Blue Screen of Death)… uhhhhhhhh… you don’t have a phone?
jweb: That’s right. Wait a second. If I don’t have a phone, how are you… Hey, get off the microwave, I’m trying to cook dinner!!!" (Click).
I laughed for hours about that one. 
This is the best way to rid yourself of telemarketing calls. The only way, actually.
Hanging up on a telemarketer or being “clever” guarantees you’ll get another call from the same company.
Try this if you are at your computer:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/soundboards.shtml
You can be Howard Stern, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Pacino and many other celebrities. I prefer the Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci ones. Give it a try some time.
“Put me on your do-not-call list, and go fuck yourself.”
Is that you Jethro? Hot damn, I never thought I would hear from you again. (Totally ignoring anything THEY say.) Well shhhhhit Jethro, how’s Wilma and the puppies? Hey, let me get Stella on the other phone, she’s been talking about you ever since Mable passed on. STELLA!!! Stella, get your lazy ass up off that couch and get in here, Jethro’s on the phone. (hehehehe).
There is no reason to go out of your way to be rude to somebody like that.
Yes, telemarketing calls are annoying, but that is a human being on the other end of the line. They don’t like their job any more than you like them calling you, and you do NOT know what they are going through. For all you know, they may be suicidal. They may have just found out that a parent has cancer. Maybe they’re overwhelmed with stress because the bills are piling up and they don’t know how they are going to make it. You never know what is going to push somebody over the edge and utterly convince them, once and for all, that nobody cares and that people are just out to hurt them.
Why on earth would you want to intentionally stomp on someone else’s feelings? You get inconvenienced for maybe 45 seconds out of your life and that gives you license to cuss them out? Who do you think you are?
Sorry but I’ve just never understood bullies.
With all due respect, ** SnoopyFan ** , I think you too blithely diregard the egregious rudeness inherent in any telemarketing. And for some of us who work unconventional hours (5 years of second shift, for me), it’s not merely:
I don’t know about you, but sometimes, if I know that I have to get up by Hour X, and am woken up at Hour X-4, it can take me hours to get back to sleep. Both of my parents are in their 70s and have heart conditions. I can’t totally ignore the phone, much as I’d like to sometimes.
While I’ve never tweaked one of 'em, like ** Fuji Kitakyusho ** , that’s because I usually can’t be bothered to muster the energy. But I don’t begrudge his sentiment one bit.
[Zenster’s answering machine]
Hello, thank you for calling. If you are a telemarketer, please, press “one” and hang up now!
[/Zenster’s answering machine]
I mumble something. But telemarketers rarely get through because I’m online all the time searching for pornography.
Telemarketer: Hello, Mr. Geezer?
Me: Which Mr. Geezer were you calling?
Telemarketer: James.
Me: James Geezer has been deceased for more than five years. I care for his widow, and she can’t afford anything. How long does someone have to be dead before you pepople stop calling?
Telemarketer: Click!
By the way, it’s not a made up story.
If an unknown caller actually has my first name, I answer, and it’s usually not a telemarketer, but perhaps my doctor’s office or someone who has a legitimate reason to call me.
I HATE TELEMARKETERS!
The second they go into their spiel, I usually say "not interested"and hang up.
The phone company people are the worst! They also say they are working with our local phone company. When I ask them if they are trying to get us to change service, they deny it.
On a radio talk show this morning, they were taking calls on this subject. The next time one of them calls me, I’m going to act interested, but first let’s talk about Jesus…
Allah might be better.
Tell them how sexy their voice is and ask them what they’re wearing. Haven’t tried this myself but always wanted to.
You should always remember that these people are only trying to earn a living, there is NO excuse for being rude, or for swearing at them, listen to what it is they are selling, then tell them “I’m really sorry but I’m not is a position to take up that offer at this time, thank you.” and hang up. You wouldn’t like it if telemarketers came to your place of work, swore at you, gave you their kids to talk to, blasted loud noise/music at you, or turned their back on you the instant you tried to do your job, so don’t do it to them!