Everything needs to be presented as a consequence of the child’s actions. Positive behavior brings positive results and vice versa. And always phrase it as such.
Example: “Johnny, if you put away your toys, I’ll give you a lollipop.” Not good.
“Johnny, if you put away your toys, you’ll earn a lollipop.” This is the way. The kid’s getting the lollipop is totally dependent on their actions.
The hardest part is conditioning your actions as a parent to be consistent in this application. I strongly recommend a book called Parent In Control - IMNSHO, it should be required reading for all parents.
There’s a fine line between bribery and rewarding positive behavior. I try not to tell 10YO mudgirl “If you pick up all your stuff all week without being asked, for a whole week, then on Saturday Family Fun day, you get to pick where we eat lunch”. But. . .if she is particularly well-behaved one week, or particularly patient because I’m busy or occupied with other stuff, I might say to her “You know, you’ve been so good about cleaning up after yourself/not getting moody that I don’t have enough time for you/etc.” that this week, we can eat lunch wherever you want.
It is human nature to want to do things that we perceive as being rewarding. By rewarding the behavior we wish our children to display, we are appealing to their human nature.
Regarding whining, I tried the “I can’t hear you” bit with TheKid, so she just whined louder. Instead I would just say “One more time without the whine” over and over… and over… and over until she would ask for whatever it was in a normal voice. Now, at age 16, I just have to say “One more” and she adjusts her tone. Heh.
My 5 year old grand-neice is a great blamer. She is also of the “stupid wall got in my way” school. I joke with her about it - Oh, the wall is stupid? Does the wall have a brain? How did it know just when to jump out and attack you? Wow, that wall is talented. It’s stood there for years just waiting to get you. By that point she will say she wasn’t looking and ran into the wall. Then I start in with how it’s not nice to blame others for her actions, &c. I’m also the meanie who will not proffer sympathy when she hurts herself doing something she know she’s not supposed to do. She has become better at not blaming, at least when I am around.
My daughter always blamed her brother for everything. He hit me, he did this, he did that. I would ask her brother what happened, did you hit her? He said, No. Then I would ask her did he hit you? She would cross her arms and say, I guess not…
It stopped after a while because I made her face up to it which she found unpleasant. You may want to try that approach? It’s a bit time consuming but it works. If she stubs her toe again and blames someone make her face the kid she blamed and I bet she will get it after a few times of having to admit she did it.
I didn’t have a whining problem so can’t help you there. Good Luck
Just about all child-discipline is time-consuming. That’s why so many parents miss the boat. . .they only punish the behavior when it’s actually bothering them, not every time the behavior occurs. To have to drop everything you’re doing, and discipline the behavior every single time is the most effective approach; but it’s a PITA.
Of course, if anyone ever told you that raising kids was going to be easy, boy were you getting sold a bill of goods!
This is how I handle my son. Of course, if he does something good, I’ll tell him how proud I am of him, but if he consistently listens, picks up, etc., particularly without me even having to ask, I’ll come out and say, “Hey, you’ve been absolutely wonderful - I didn’t have to ask and you picked up your toys. You’ve listened well and I think you deserve to be rewarded. Would you like to go to the zoo or the playground today?” or something like that.
It is just repetition, and then giving positive reinforcement when you catch her doing things correctly.
My 6-year-old now automatically washes his hands after using the bathroom, before eating and before we cook, simply because I kept reminding him consistently since he was old enough to put his hands under the faucet. But it took hundreds or thousands of repetitions to get there; and I still occasionally praise him for remembering to wash his hands without me reminding him.
When he spills something, I have always made it clear that everyone makes mistakes (there is a difference between accidentally spilling milk and intentionally throwing it across the room), but if you do, you have to clean it up. He has seen me drop eggs on the floor while cooking, and then I remind him “what do you do when you make a mistake?” and his answer is, “Clean it up.” Now, after watching me do this for years, and after experiencing me helping him clean up his messes without yelling or accusing, he is not afraid to tell me that he made a mistake. I think this is a broader message than just spilled milk, because when you make mistakes as an adult at, say, the office, or at home too, it is just as important to come clean and then mitigate whatever damage you have caused.
My older son (then 18) borrowed my car and, because he took his eyes off the road for a few seconds, had a minor accident that did about $275 worth of damage. I had the car fixed, and then he had to mow the lawn and babysit his younger brother to pay me back (he was in high school and not working at the time). It took him 4 months to pay it off. I told him that most drivers have had minor accidents like his; he was lucky it was not more serious, and I hoped he learned his lesson about paying attention. And he is still allowed to borrow my car - because he paid for his mistake, it is behind us now.
You are now setting the example for your 4-year-old, and someday you will see it pay off - your little girl will do something that shows you that she was actually listening to you all those years ago. But that may be 2, 5, 10 or 15 years from now. It’s how you handle it now, that will determine how she behaves later. You’re still at the beginning of the learning curve - be patient and consistent!
This is called “authoritarian” parenting or “bully parenting”. Not to mention lazy. It’s OK and healthy to give respect to a child because that child is a HUMAN BEING! So many parents don’t understand that.
“Don’t ask questions. Just do as I say.” This says to child: YOU don’t matter, only big grownups matter. Now, I don’t think a lollipop is the right reward but that’s just an example.
Authoritarian parents are much more concerned about obedience from the child than in the needs or wishes of the child. They desire respect over fostering a healthy parent/child relationship. All it breeds is fear and DISrespect.
Trust me. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of my authoritarian upbringing. It runs deep with self-esteem issues, anger, rebellion, and much more! And it usually always backfires causing MORE acting out and rebellion later on.
The example given was falling and scraping your knee. You did it to yourself, by accident. What’s not clear? The technique is how to show sympathy but show the child that if it’s anyone’s fault it’s his/her own. It’s not the fault of the sidewalk, for example. Thus it is a gentle form of teaching accountability. If you don’t watch where your feet are you could trip over something, fall down and hurt yourself.
I agree that there’s nothing wrong in telling your child that something is his or her fault. Trying to shield him or her can only lead to a sense of entitlement later on. We’re not telling you to yell at your children, but a child should know if something is his or her fault.
I just don’t see the point of assigning blame at all in that situation. I’d just say that it was an accident–no one’s “fault.” Just something that happened.
I can vouch for this, personally. I was told, repeatedly, ‘‘You have no rights. You are a child. Children don’t have any rights. It doesn’t matter how you feel.’’ So naturally when my actual rights began to be consistently and egregiously violated I didn’t complain and I didn’t tell a soul. Because I had no rights and it didn’t matter how I felt.
You wonder why some people are such doormats? So easily abused and mistreated? That’s why. I’ll tell you one thing, though, now that I’m allowed to feel things and be an actual person, I’ll be damned if I ever allow myself to be mistreated again.
So yeah, ignoring your child’s feelings about the arbitrary nature of authority builds character, but probably not the kind you’re thinking of.
It speaks to the the character of the parent. Some need for blind obedience which I find morally reprehensible. Dad was a military brat & they were treated like recruits. Mom just went along w/ dad even tho her parents were not like this.
Recently I’ve been pondering (daughters almost grown up), as a new mom, I made a conscious decision NOT to treat them this way (nor would I allow hubs). Hearts, minds, & bodies deserve respect just for being human. They didn’t have to earn what they deserved just for “being”. With a right to own their own feelings & space in the universe (boundaries).
My point is, I “broke the cycle”. Why didn’t my dad? He’s just as smart as me. He’s not totally devoid of compassion or empathy (still to be seen). WHY would he treat his child the same horrible way he was treated? And double-damned if I would stand by & watch my spouse do it, like mom did. Of course I’ll never know, but it helps purge it sometimes. Needless to say I’ve been dealing w/ some blaming issues.
You said you allowed yourself to feel things again. Totally relate. Maybe we’ve had to allow it and learn how to do it.
Like you, I broke a lot of of cycles with my kids. WHY didn’t my Mom break these cycles? I dunno. I guess I never will. But I credit part of it to the fact that I live in ‘the information age’. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first child, my first thought was “I want to be a better mother than my mother was”, and even though the internet (as such) wasn’t readily available then, information was easy to find. Much easier than it would have been for my mother when she was that age (by which time she was pregnant with her third child; but that’s a whole 'nother topic. . .)
You can give all the mental space you want to figuring out why your parents didn’t break the cycle. But mostly, you should pat yourself on the back because you did.
