I don’t post here much, but I have lurked daily for quite some time. Anyhow, I have a ten year old nephew with behavior problems that have become quite severe.
I have contact with him weekly, and his actions and demeanor have become increasingly irrational. He seems to have no connection between actions and consequences. The simple rule, “don’t touch things that aren’t yours”, has not had any effect, even at this age. Of course that is only one example. Any correction is met with tantrum, saying “you are being mean to me”, and “you hate me”. These problems extend to school also. He has been suspended from school several times, which I take as a very bad sign in the fourth grade.
The other problem, the parents aren’t too responsive to intervention. Are there techniques I can use to help him?
With much younger children, something that’s worked well has been showing them how an undesirable action affects them when it’s done to them. Never to the level the kid is doing it, as often part of the problem with little kids is that they’re not conscious of their own strength; if a kid bites, I’ll “fake-bite” him, just enough to cause discomfort but nothing anybody would confuse with violence. With a 10yo I’d wait until he is able to reason (I can fake being related to an unmovable rock when needed), and then get him to reason why the action is undesirable. I’ve been known to say things like “well, I too am hungry and want to have lunch, but we’re not having lunch until you start behaving like a human being.”
It’s a matter of turning the tables on them, but in a way that makes it clear you’re not losing control. If you lose control, you’re handing control to them.
Thank you for your quick reply. I have tried that tactic of, we’re not playing the game until you calm down, or you can have lunch when you stop crying… but it goes on until he starts breaking things, or hurting himself.
I know that the parents are not cooperating, they give in at the slightest resistance. I’m wondering if there is any way to counteract their poor skills, short of Dr. Phil…
I have given up on buying them books that don’t get read, and finding resources that are ignored. Though, I do feel like I have enough influence and contact to make a difference with him.
IME, if a child seems out of control, look for parents who are similarly out of control.
OTOH, unless these parents are actively asking for your help, giving them books on proper child rearing seems a little obnoxious and may be counter-productive if they are seeing your attempt to help them as unsolicited and intrusive. They may not say it but they may be choosing to ignore your unsolicited advice in a passive aggressive manner. As such, you’re doing them and the kid a disservice.
Going forward, stop trying to influence the parents’ behaviour. If you think you can have a positive impact on the kid without overstepping your bounds, continue to do that. Don’t be shocked if the kid eventually rejects your attempts. If it’s easier to manipulate the parents, he’ll avoid contact with you and get his way anyway.
That said, kids can learn to modify their behaviour in different environments so it’s quite ok for you to have rules of behaviour in your home that might be different to what he has to follow in his own. Prepare yourself for a lot of tantrums though.
Your house, your rules. Stick to making your expectations of behaviour clear to the kid while he’s under your roof/care. Kids do need discipline and will often gravitate towards more structure rather than less. At the very least, he’ll begin to see the difference between right and wrong. What he does with that information is then his decision with respect to his own behaviour.
Yes, you have hit the nail right on the head. I have realized that modifying the parents is futile. Initially, they were actively seeking help, but as it became evident that they might have created their own problem, all cooperation shut down.
I guess I’m looking for a magic bullet that helps the child without destroying relations within the family. Some grandparents have already refused babysitting.
I haven’t sought help on parenting boards because they are full of psuedo-science and nonsense.
I suppose I realize there is no answer because I am not the parent. Sad for our family
Unfortunately I doubt there’s anything you can do, as he’s your nephew, he’s already 10 years old, and the parents seem out of it. Also, even if the primary problem may be that the parents are not consistent about consequences and rewards, it is possible that the child also has a mental illness that makes him go whacko.
Ideally the child should have been evaluated by a really good psychologist and/or psychiatrist, and should be on an IEP in school. But it is hard to find a really good doctor. The school may have assigned someone for a quick evaluation but often these are not optimal.
I do highly recommend the book The Explosive Child if you would like to read more about this, or if you think there’s a chance the parents might want to read it. It’s possible the parents have been getting a lot of useless advice and have given up after finding that nothing seems to work.
I find it concerning that he has significant problems at school, at this age. I’ve known many kids who are disruptive at home and who run roughshod over their parents, but get it together in school. They aren’t perfect, but arent getting suspended multiple times either.
Schools generally have clear boundaries, behavior/punishment/reward systems in place and people willing to enforce them. Unless he’s in a really disfunctional school or a very permissive one, he should have gotten the message at school, unless there is something more going on with him. It may be more complicated than just being stricter with him yourself will solve and it may be due to more than checked out parents have caused.
Sorry
OK, and does it ever get to the point where he is tired before you’re at the point of losing it as well? Until it gets to that point, he won’t reason.
I agree with the others that you can’t control or influence the parents. One of the reasons I asked whether the kid does understand physical cause and effect is that it’s usually easier to understand “if I hit something, it breaks” than “if I hit someone, not only does it hurt them(1), but it makes them wary of me… there are long-term consequences”. First level of understanding of consequences, I hit something, it moves/falls/breaks. Second, if the something is a someONE, it hurts mentally as well as physically. Third, long term consequences. To figure out how bad things are and whether he’s doing this because for him it’s simply easier than anything else (at that age, many children don’t see “three days without going to school” as a punishment - if the parents are as bendover as you say, why would he?) or because he just doesn’t get it, you need to figure out where he is.
1: there’s already two concepts here that some people never seem to get. Other people are… people, as important as me. Other people aren’t just a background to the only important life (me). Second concept, other people get hurt and hurting them just because is wrong, same as hurting me just because is wrong.
There’s your problem. The kid’s not been taught to suffer the consequences of his own actions; by making him do so, you’re “being mean” or you “hate him”, because he’s used to getting his way.
If his parents had consistenly punished him while growing up in some appropriate way for messing with their stuff, or not obeying them, I’d bet he wouldn’t be this way.
He doesn’t understand cause and effect because the parents never followed through on the effect. I see parents all the time giving their kids empty threats.
The first time a kid gets threatened with a consequence for his action and finds out the consequence never seems to materialize you’ve lost them.
I follow the “my house my rules” plan. When my kids bring over friends who can’t behave, I tell them I will send them home if they can’t follow my rules. And I do. If you feel the need to respond to the “you hate me” tantrum, just say that everyone in your house follows the same rules.
I’m sure it’s more complicated with family; but in any case breaking the rules should result in some kind of consequence, either removal of the kid from the situation or removal of the breakable items or staying in a safe and boring part of your house. When asked why the child can’t leave the room, say it’s because he can’t be responsible.
Don’t be so certain the behavior of the parents has caused this situation. Plenty of kids with parents that give in all the time don’t act like this, so there are other factors as well. Regardless, pointing fingers at this point is unproductive. You hope to help the child, not simply assign blame for his situation.
Take him on some outings without his parents. Converse with him. Treat him with respect and the expectation that he will behave decently and if he doesn’t, express your disappointment that he couldn’t act like a reasonable person and take him out of the situation. Develop a nice relationship with him and you will be able to influence him to a degree. You’re not his parent, so don’t worry too much about disciplining him, just try to help him learn how to be someone people would want around.
Thank you for continuing to help me. To answer your question, I have gone to the point where he slammed his own hand in the door, and another occasion where he took a giant shit in the middle of the kitchen. I once had a standoff for 6 hours where all he had to do was put his plate in the sink… he never stopped cursing the whole time. After all these episodes, he honestly believes it was us torturing him for no reason.
As much as just like to blame his parents and say HA HA, I’d like to believe I can still make a difference in his future.
WOW… After reading what i just typed, I realize the professional help he needs may be beyond my reach. Thanks for your replies
Orange13, if I were you, I would not have any contact with this child, and DEFINITELY never be alone with him. He sounds outright dangerous. A child that age who is deliberately urinating and defecating outside the bathroom has VERY serious psychiatric problems, and needs inpatient treatment.
Do you have children and/or pets? Don’t allow him around them either. I don’t care if he is family.
