So, I had two state police at my house last night.

The BBQ Pit
1

My son has some problems. He’s a good boy, but he’s very stubborn and he argues with everything I say. He’s almost twelve years old and he still throws temper tantrums.

Yesterday afternoon he and my daughter were outside plaing with one of the neighbor kids. My daughter, she weighs about 70 lbs. less then my son, came home and told me that my son hit her. I asked her to explain what happened. She told me that she hit him first, then he hit her back. I don’t think my kids should be hitting anyone, so I called them both in the house and told them that they were both grounded for the rest of the day.

My son was enraged. He was screaming and yelling very loud. I told him he had to go in his room if he was going to throw another tantrum. He punched a hole in the wall, slammed the door and continued to scream about how it was his sister’s fault that he was grounded and my fault for grounding him. After about an hour, he settled down.

Later on, he got a glass of juice and jumped into my new recliner with it, I only got it last week. I asked him not to drink his juice on the new recliner. He didn’t likethat and he started mouthing off to me. I tried to talk to him, but he became a bigger wise ass, I told him that I was taking his TV away, he was still a wise ass and getting loud again. So, I sent him to his room.

When his father got home from work, he was understandably pissed about the hole in the wall. We talked about an appropriate punishment for that and decided that we weren’t going to let him go on an outing he was looking forward to this weekend.

We told him his punishment and he started yelling again. Louder and louder. “I hate this house!” “I hate you!” “You can’t do this to me!” “You picked something to hurt me!” He just kept getting louder. We told him to stop yelling, but he didn’t. We told him he has to get some control over himself, but he didn’t.

I was so upset that I was shaking. Loud can’t describe the noise level he was making. He was send to his room and told to cool it, but he didn’t. This went on for about two hours.

After a while, I brought him back into the kitchen and gave him a glass of water, told him to wash his face and that it was too bad, he made very poor choices and he was still grounded.

About 30 minutes after that, two state police showed up at the house. One of the neighbors thought we were beating my son. The neighbor heard him yelling “you hurt me!”

The policemen talked to both me and my husband and my son. My son told them that no one hurt him and he was just yelling becasue he was mad at me. He told the police that he hit my daughter because she was a drama queen and he told them that he put a hold in the wall.

The policemen ripped into him and told him that with all that hollering he was being the drama queen. They told him that they didn’t think I was being unreasonable. And then they told him that he should be carrying on so bad because he got grounded. Then they told him to go back to bed.

After that, they told me that I should look into anger management classes for him, which I will do today. I apologized to them for having to come out here. And they said they’d much rather come out to find nothing going on then to find a child really being abused. They took our names and left.

I am worried though. I volunteer with a youth group and I’m afraid that I will be told that I can no longer do it. I’m afraid that we will get a fine for the police having to come here and I don’t have any money. I’m afraid that someone will try to take my children away. I try so hard to be a good mommy.

I’m not really mad at my neighbors, I would probably do the same thing. But I am worried that my daughter will not be allowed to play with any of the kids, because they think I’m a child abuser now.

I’m so sad and worried now.

2

Spanking != child abuse

3

How well do you know your neighbours? It might be as well to go round and talk to them, explaining that dragonson sort-of went off on one, that you’re arranging anger management, and thanking them for being responsible citizens. It shows that (a) you’re dealing with what is hopefully a short-term thing, (b) that you’re dealing with it responsibly and c) that you don’t blame them for getting the PD involved.

Good luck, anyway…

4

Sounds like the cops did a good job.

I’d love to see his face when the cops called him a drama queen.

5

I know this is upsetting, but don’t worry too much. They only take children away in extreme cases- and even then it is rarely permanent. It just isn’t going to happen in this situation.

Everyone can understand a slightly out of control kid, and will likely take the same attitude that police did. Anger managment classes sounds like a great idea.

6

Set your mind at ease about this anyway. Won’t happen.

I had a brother very like your son. I will only say that if it is suggested that you and your husband attend whatever classes or counseling is suggested for your son, that you do so.

7

It sounds like you, and the cops, did a great job. My son did much the same thing at his age, and even went so far as to call the cops himself. They were not impressed with his drama, either.

8

Nobody is going to take your kids away over this.

Be calm.

But that Anger Management idea is a good one.

9

Holy cow. I feel bad saying this, but he sure doesn’t sound like a “good boy.” I would hate to be your son’s teacher. Or schoolmate.

I don’t think that anyone is going to take your kid away. It seems pretty clear that your son has behavioral problems, the type that spanking could never hope to cure. You seem to be on the right track in starting to take the problem quite seriously, and thank god for the police giving you a useful suggestion, and it is even better that you’re taking it seriously.

If you follow through and get your son the help he obviously needs, I’m sure he can be a good boy, but he sure isn’t right now. It sounds like there’s going to be some tough times coming up as the child gets straightened out, and I wish you the strength to get through it.

10

Please don’t be sad, and try not to worry.

I don’t think there will be any repercussions from the nights events. People are generally more understanding than you may think, and from what you say it will be treated as a strom in a teacup, I am sure.

I am a little concerned by your sons inability to control the anger he felt (and by the way, I think you dealt with it very well). I second the advice you have received about getting some counselling about this, assuming this wasn’t an entrely isolated event? Was your husband giving the same messages as you? A united front is a great help. Your son certainly needs to learn that vioence from him is not behaviour which will be tolerated, the sooner he learns this the better.

Best of luck,

K.

11

Admittedly I don’t know what your local laws are, but it sounds as though yourpolice are damn good. SO I cannot imagine that there is any question of taking kids away when the cops understood that nothing bad was being done (hmm - not by your and your husband at any rate :slight_smile: And there was no deliberate wasting of police time going on either - neighbour had a genuine worry, but it all turned out OK.

I would think, too, that you can make the neighbours understand.

Coem to think of it, might not the police have called on the neghbour who called them out, jsut to say - dont’ worry now, everything cool"?

I am SURE it is OK, really. CHeer up! :slight_smile:

12

Along with all the other good advice, I’d especially go with what Xerxes said.

Good luck, we’re here if you need us. :slight_smile:

13

The police will only fine you if there are several repeat disturbances. I know this from experience. Don’t worry about it.

BTW, I remember having major anger issues myself at that age. What about counseling?

14

Your kids are both going to remain with you. Your volunteer work with the youth group will continue, and you will get the same amount of outer appreciation and inner satisfaction from it as you have always gotten.

From your description of the events, and your emotioinal response to them, I gather that you could use a couple of days of down time; I hope you are able to find a practicable way of getting them. I’m somewhat curious to know if you have discussed the incident with the boy. How does he process the evidence from an outside source that he’s not just a poor, poor victim being picked on by the nasty Mommy and Daddy and little Sister?

15

We did discuss it with him last night, I personally think that was wsa very surprized that the police weren’t on his side. From what he says, I am the single meanest mother in the entire world. He really is under the impression that he’s a victim and is entirely blameless when he gets grounded.

He and I also talked this morning. He says he’s embarrased by someone calling the police and didn’t want to run errands this morning because he didn’t want to run into the neighbors.

He keeps talking about how tough the police were last night, they seem to have intimidated the hell out of him,which may be exactly what he needed. He walks around here trying to be Mr. Big Stuff all the time, maybe it helped to have an authority figure tell him to know it off.

I called child and youth services this morning to get information on anger management like the officers told me to. They told me to call his school to get him in a program there first, then he will be assessed and if the school feels he needs more, the school will contact them and we will all work together on this. School starts next week.

16

This reminds me of a quote from the movie The Dreamers.

Everybody thinks that everybody else’s parents are nicer than their own, but everybody thinks their own grandparents are the nicest.

17

You should speak with a child psychologist. From the description, it sounds like your son suffers from Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I speak from experience. My son was the same way, and to an extent, still is. His control and anger management is much better, but sometimes he still loses his cool…not good with a large 14 year old. If this is true, this is just not a stubborn, headstrong child. This is a child who needs professional help.

(For the record, I initially opposed simply slapping a label on my son, but was won over by the psychologists at the Children’s Hospital we went to for his sessions. Fortunately, no mind-affecting drugs were ever brought up (maybe because we were working with psychologists, not psychiatrists). That would have been a problem, because his mother (with whom my sone lives) wanted them and I was openly opposed to them (unless all other methods were exhausted). I was paying, but she had to deal with him the bulk of the time. It would have been messy.)

18

?? You of course meant “an outside authority figure”, didn’t you?

If the school drags their feet wrt the counseling, and/or suggests that he doesn’t need it, bypass them and get it done.

perhaps I’m reading too much into that line I quoted (and another one from the OP, “I try so hard to be a good mommy” ) - but a several hour scream a thon is problem behavior. Was this the first time he’s erupted like this? It sorta sounded like no, it wasn’t (perhaps the longest).
anyhow.perhaps checking in w/a parents group would help you? If $$ is a problem, many communities have a wide range of groups available - check w/your local mental health providers, or schools. This isn’t an easy thing for anyone to deal w/ but sometimes if, in addition to the child getting help, if the adults get some guidance about effective ways of helping the child cope, it can increase liklihood of success.

good luck.

19

Don’t try to spank him. While I am a big fan of generally mild but proportionate corporal punishment, 11 years old is probably too late to start. I spanked my daughter when she needed it (about twice in her life) and she turned out OK. My little brother was like your son but he finally settled down and I’m sure your little boy will as well.

Best of Luck

Testy

20

Well done to the police!

Just a thought but have you looked at his diet? Try cutting out the artificial stuff - sodas especially, and look into Cod Liver Oil or Evening Primrose Oil.