Why is it impossible to stay on an exercise program?
With all the information we have nowadays on the importance of regular exercise to our overall health, you’d think more people would begin and STICK WITH a good exercise regimen. It just makes sense.
But that’s not the way it is.
Take me, for example. In the past six months, I have started no less than four exercise programs. Am I still on any of them? HA! Why do you think I’m out of breath just from typing this?
I will usually stick to an exercise program for about three weeks. Right about then, though, I begin to get discouraged when I don’t see any visible improvements in my flabby body. By then, I want to see rock-hard abs, muscles so large and sculpted they’re in danger of lunging out and injuring innocent passersby, etc. I don’t see that (unless I’m looking at other guys in the gym, which they don’t really like that much, and frankly I’m not terribly fond of it, either). Instead, I see Signals.
Signals are God’s way of telling me I should skip one (or all) of my exercise sessions. Sometimes the Signals are blatant, such as a Jessica Alba movie marathon on TV the same night I exercise. If you had the option of watching Jessica Alba on TV or sweating with large men who look like they use steroids as an alternative to popcorn, which would you choose?
So sometimes the Signals from God are very blatant. Other times, though, they can be discreet, almost imperceptible. I believe God tests my attention and perception occasionally, just to make sure I’m still alert and listening.
For example, the other day on the way to the gym I stopped off at a grocery store to pick up a few things I needed. While I was there, I noticed that Mayfield Turtle Tracks ice cream was on sale. Now, God loves us, and wants us to be happy, so obviously he was sending me a Signal – buy the wonderful (and now cheaper) ice cream, go home, and eat it while watching a Jessica Alba movie.
If they’d had Mayfield Turtle Tracks ice cream in Biblical times, God wouldn’t have had to smite people and rain fire and stuff down on them all the time; He could’ve just either provided or withheld the ice cream, depending on how He wanted people to behave.
I would have been a great prophet under this system.
Back to the topic of exercise. I also have problems with the process of exercising itself. Fitness gurus will probably hate me for this, but I don’t like most of the exercises they recommend.
Take running, for example. Running is supposed to be a great way to get in shape, but I don’t like it. I mean, what’s the point? All you’re doing is getting from Point A to Point B. That’s why I bought a car. Besides, with a car, you have the added benefit of air conditioning. I know for a fact that I get hot and sweaty when I run, and it’s just not practical to carry an air conditioner with me. So the car wins that one.
Aerobics? Please. Don’t make me laugh, because I’ll start wheezing and lose my breath even more. I’m not gonna spend my money just to go to a gym and jump around while watching a Jane Fonda video. I used the money I would have spent on aerobics classes to put a stereo system in the car I use to avoid running.
So, between the Signals from God and my dislike of many exercises, I decided to watch my eating habits in an effort to control my weight. I figured I could improve my diet and get most of the same benefits I would have gotten from exercising.
Trouble is, all the foods I like to eat aren’t good for me. All the “experts” say you’re supposed to eat weird things, like squash and Brussels sprouts. Eat too much of that stuff and you wind up looking like those geeky experts, which is what they want; if everybody looked like them, they’d have a better chance of scoring with Jessica Alba.
So instead of following their advice, I’ve made up my own diet which is guaranteed to keep me in the prime of health, without exercising one bit. Because I like you a lot, I’m gonna share the secret of the diet with you.
The important thing to remember on this diet is that it doesn’t matter WHAT you eat – it’s WHEN you eat it. For example, if you eat a gallon of Mayfield Turtle Tracks ice cream while you’re watching an action-packed Jessica Alba movie, you won’t gain any weight, because all the action in the movie just bleeds all over your system. It gives your body the illusion that you’re exercising. The only problem with the diet is that sometimes you have to stay up kinda late to find a movie on TV with enough action in it to let you eat what you want.
Despite the sound scientific principle behind my new diet, I’ve managed to gain 18 pounds in two weeks. Until yesterday morning, I was seriously considering starting another exercise program. So I thought I’d check back in with God, to see what He had to say.
I was eating my cereal when I asked out loud, “Should I start another exercise program?” I looked down, and lo and behold, the letters Y-E-S were floating in my Alpha-Bits.
Naturally, I was relieved. The letters stood for “You Shouldn’t Exercise.” They were just mixed up, that’s all.
God was testing my perception again.