Okay, inspired by a comment by FluidDruid here, I present the sum total (almost) of my automotive knowledge:
[ul]How To Change A Tire
[li]Park your car on a level spot (preferably paved for safety)[/li][li]put on the parking brake (so your car won’t roll off the jack)[/li][li]get out the jack, your spare, and the tire iron (all conveniently included with your car, usually under the trunk floor)[/li][li]use the tire iron to “start” each of the nuts. Things unscrew in a counterclockwise direction (do this before jacking up the car because once the car is jacked up the wheel will turn why you try to do this. Of course, you can find this out the hard way and have to lower the car again, the way I did…). You can kinda stand on the tire iron to get extra force if you need to.[/li][li]Jack up the car. (instructions will usually be printed on the jack)[/li][li]finish unscrewing the nuts, pull off tire (you might need to kick it a bit if it seems “stuck”, if the tire has been on a long time and never been changed it might be a bit rusted on.)[/li][li]Put on new tire, tighten nuts.[/li][li]Jack down the car.[/li][li]tighten the nuts as much as you can, I’m pretty puny, so I always use my foot on the tire iron for extra torque.[/li][*]don’t forget to release the parking brake before driving off.[/ul] Okay, your turn, edjumacate me something! 
How to do the dishes:
-Use every dish you own.
-Stack the dirty dishes in the sink.
-Wait for Astrogirl to come over.
-Endure the cries of “Why didn’t you wash your dishes? Lazy bastard!”
-Profess general incompetence with anything involving soap.
-Surf the SDMB while AG washes the dishes!
[sup] I suspect that this will stop working soon, but until it does…[/sup]
How to avoid irritating people who open this thread by posting a cross-reference to another thread which the reader then has to wade through to find the relevant words, when a quote would have done just as well
or…
How not to contribute to the slowness of the Boards by forcing interested parties to open a separate window just to read one paragraph
The other thread was about the ‘math is hard’ sentiment, and it kinda digressed into a chat about the difference between ‘being ignorant’ and just happening not to know something 'cos you wuz never taught. FluidDruid wrote:
“I don’t know how to change a tire, but I would like to learn – it’s just that my parents weren’t knowledgeable of cars, either, and there’s really not an obvious way to just pick this sort of thing up (especially as a female). I say I’m not good with cars because I really don’t know much about them, not because I don’t want to be. In fact, I do. I’ve commented many times that I wish there were things like basic auto mechanics classes commonly available.”
As you were…
How to recognize different types of trees from quite a long way away.
- The Larch
(Hey… it had to be done.)
How to belly dance
[ul]
[li]Stand on your left foot[/li][li]Put your right foot in front of you on tiptoe.[/li][li]Put your arms out at the side (like you’re trying to balance - which you probably are by now). Angle them just a bit so the left hand is higher than the right hand.[/li][li]Write your first name with your right hip [/li][li]Reverse your position and write your last name with your left hip[/li][/ul]
How to Hokey-Pokey
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You put yer right foot in
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You put yer right foot out
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You put yer right foot in
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Then you shake it all about
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You do the Hokey Pokey
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Then you turn yerself around
That’s what it’s all about!
How To Milk A Goat
1.Find a goat.
2.Catch goat. It helps if they’re wearing a halter.
3.Tie goat to something, preferably next to a wall.
4.Get some sort of bucket, and a short seat (another upsidedown bucket is good.)
5. sit kinda crowding the goat against stall wall, so it can’t keep backing away from you.
6. Clean crap off udder if that seems to be needed.
7.clamp top of teat between thumb a forefinger (to trap milk that’s in lower part of teat, then close the rest of your fingers in a downward rolling motion.
8.Milk should result. Aim for the bucket.
9.unclamp thumb and forefinger to allow more milk to descend, reclamp and repeat rolling finger squeeze, until no more milk results.
10.Watch for rear foot action, so the goat doesn’t knock over the bucket or step in it.
11.In the winter, yer goat is less likely to be jumpy if you wear gloves on your way to the barn 
12. strain milk through cheesecloth, then heat to pasteurization temp before cooling.
13.Goat milk tastes kinda funky, so I wouldn’t really bother actually drinking it.
How to Summon an Army of the Undead
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Go to your local library and ask for a copy of the ‘Necronomicon’. Don’t worry, the librarian will know exactly what you’re talking about. Don’t touch the candles.
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When the book is in your possession, go find a graveyard or other gathering place for the dead. If a graveyard is nowhere to be found, be creative. Find a Goth shop. Attend a Bauhaus concert. Find me between the hours of noon and six AM during the weekends. Any large gathering of people who look like they’re tightrope-walking on the mortal coil will do.
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When an appropriate source of the dead is found, chant passages from the Necronomicon. Don’t worry that you can’t read the language - you just have the book upside down. See? Common mistake, no need to be ashamed.
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If the ground doesn’t start discharging legions of newly-ressurected soldiers for your evil ends, you forgot to conjugate ‘k’zzzi’kki’ correctly - a problem made harder by the fact that the runes in the Necronomicon don’t give much help. Try again, and remember what your Undead teacher taught you in high school about evil irregular verbs.
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Now you have an entire battalion of soldiers, making you an invincible general of darkness! But take care! Keep undead minions away from water, powerful electrical currents, open flame or small Scotty dogs at all times. For best results, schedule a tour of the local nuclear reprocessing facility. Claim they’re your out of state relatives.
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Commanding an army whose brains have rotted into oozing ichor may be challenging. Spoken words don’t have much effect on those with worm-eaten eardrums - gesturing may help them get the point, at least for those whose eye sockets are still intact. Perhaps draping your enemy with entrails or perhaps autographed photos of Robert Smith will help them determine friend (you) from foe (all who oppose your will). Keep your copy of the Necronomicon with you at all times to help with the care and maintainence of the reanimated corpses under your command. Refer to it often. Don’t worry about returning it - library fines should not concern the future ruler of the world. Concentrate on bigger things, like cleaning your large, imposing black cape or practicing your evil laugh.
Happy havoc-wreaking!
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by snermy *
[ul]How To Change A Tire
[li]put on the parking brake (so your car won’t roll off the jack)[/ul][/li][/QUOTE]
And if you drive a manual, put it in first gear. If the terrain isn’t completely level, put it in the opposite gear of the natural slope. So if your car’s hood is higher than its trunk, put it in first, and in reverse if the opposite applies. If your tire is realy stuck, flag a truck down. They usually have some big-ass tire irons.
Unless, of course, you buy your car from a sleazy used car guy and you don’t bother to check before buying it.
I had to buy a new jack–which is actually kind of nice because I could get a cheap hydraulic one rather than those annoying scissor screw types, but that’s beside the point-- and a newtire iron. The spare was also a full sized tire that is larger than the rest of the tires, which is really odd. It was also flat at the time.
I’m still having a hard time finding bolts to hold on the rear license plate, the bastard.
[ul]How to make a neat pile fo flaming broken glass
[li]Get a jam/jelly/quart mason jar and drill a half inch hole in the lid.[/li][li]Pour in just enough methanol to cover the bottom.[/li][li]Swish it around a bit, and light the hole with a long match.[/li][li]You get a nice foomp, then pulsating combustion with a really cool conical blue flame inside the jar. Viola, a simple Reynst pulse combustor, slightly related to the Argus PJ engine on the V-1.[/li]Put it out after five seconds of burning, unless you want it to shatter.[/ul]
How to buy a train ticket in Rome
- Find a big yellow vending machine that dispenses train tickets.
- No, not that one! That one’s busted.
- So’s that one.
- Walk for half an hour to next train station.
- Find working vending machine.
- Read instructions for purchasing seventy-seven cent ticket.
- Deposit eighty cents.
- Reclaim eighty cents that have been callously spit back at you.
- Scrounge desperately for exact change.
- Feel the calming breeze from the train you’re supposed to be on rustle through your hair.
- Curse loudly.
- Deposit seventy-two cents into machine.
- Grasp the hallowed five cent piece that will allow you to purchase your ticket firmly between your index finger and thumb.
- Deposit five-cent piece.
- Retrieve five-cent piece which has inexplicably been returned to you.
- Deposit five-cent piece a second time.
- Retrieve five-cent piece a second time.
- Realize that this is your only five-cent piece.
- Realize that you are in an empty train station.
- Realize that casting yourself onto the train tracks seems to be a highly enticing proposition.
- Find nearest McDonalds and purchase Big Mac.
- With correct change, return to train station and purchase ticket.
- Kick vending machine out of spite.
Congratulations! You’ve purchased a train ticket in Rome.