How will Character X die?

Cafe Society
61

From “Cheers” -

Sam - Dies from a massive heart attack, caused by an accidental OD of viagra. (He didn’t bother to call the doctor when he had that ‘erection lasting more than four hours.’) When it’s revealed that he wore a rug - nobody was that surprised. However, folks were slightly taken aback to learn that he’d been paying for sex (having been unable to lure nubile young flight attendants back to his place with his brash machismo anymore.) Everyone is floored when he bequeaths the bar to Diane!

Diane - Never having gotten a writing career, or a film career off the ground (save for several ‘golden raspberries’ awarded for Most Pretentious Film of the Year), Diane returns to Boston, takes over the bar, renovating & renaming it “the Three Cheers Merry Ol’ Time Tea Salon.” The makeover is short-lived, as is Diane at this point - she gets rubbed out by an italian mob hitman. Everyone wonders “who might hate Diane so much that they’d hire a hitman to rub her out AND have connections to italian mobsters?” Anyway…

Carla - To everyone’s astonishment, a SECOND last will & testament of Sam Malone turns up, just shortly after Carla’s son is released from jail (he served a stint for forgery.) This will leaves the bar to Carla in the event of Diane’s untimely demise (Diane is referred to in the will as “the stick.”) Carla returns the bar to it’s former self, bans Cliffy for a time, but relents after his unfortunate incident (see below). In a ‘curious coincidence’, Carla is also rubbed out by italian mobsters - evidently they expected half the profits from the bar after they ‘took care of certain matters for her’ (the details of which aren’t disclosed), but she welsched on them. Ownership of the bar goes to…

Woody - Who has spent years coasting through life on Kelly’s fortune, which turned out to be heavily tied up in real estate deals. The subprime mortgage crisis wiped out their fortune and Woody was once again relegated to working at the bar. When ownership passed to him, he feared mob reprisals against him, so he entered the witness protection program. He & Kelly assumed new identites and were relocated to Hanover, Indiana. No one has ever seen or heard from them since. Meanwhile, control of the bar was left to…

Rebecca - Having failed at a long string of unwise relationships & career moves, Rebecca takes over running the now-mob controlled “Cheers.” It’s a death sentence of course, but Rebecca has resigned herself…even looks foreward to being rubbed out. To her dismay, she isn’t killed. She spends the rest of her life balancing the books, drinking, getting fat, and ultimately marrying Paul. One day, she chokes to death on a bon bon. The bar is turned over to John Hill, who successfully wrests control of it from the mob.

Meanwhile…

Norm - Dies of cirroccis of the liver. (Like you didn’t see that coming?) Curiously, his widow Vera skips the funeral.

Cliff - Lapses into a prolonged depression after Norm’s death. He attempts to kill himself by OD-ing on his mother’s osteoporosis medication. He fails though, surviving but in a vegetative state, unable to talk. His hail & hearty mother takes care of him, taking him to visit Cheers on Sundays after services. One day, as his mother is pushing his wheelchair across the street, they are both struck down by a runaway mail truck.

Frasier - Remarries Lilith, a move that drives him completely mad. He’s last seen wandering the streets of Seattle, pillaging trash cans, sleeping in back alleys, and muttering about ‘that hateful battleaxe.’

Lilith - Publishes a bestselling anthropological study about social interactions among social miscreants in dive bars. She gains more notoriety when she dies in a freak cosmetic surgery accident - an experimental procedure to increase the melatonin in her skin goes haywire, and she is overbronzed to death.

As for the bar, John Hill sells out to a development company in the early 2000s. The whole building is demolished to make way for a wal-mart complex. Right where the bar used to be located though, a storefront houses a ‘Hooters.’

62

J. Jonah Jameson: Assassinated (at relative age 28) by time traveler in a suspiciously allegorical setup, mandated by a fiat from Marvel’s incoming editor-in-chief; this serves as the setup for the companywide crossover event, All’s Right With the World. (He gets better)

Stephen and Linda Stoch: Killed in implicitly horrific torture-murder by son Butters in the series’ penultimate episode. In his words, “They knew, at last, at the end. And they begged. And I was glad.”

Synergy: Became the textbook example of what would become known as the “Rampancy” condition in AI research, presumed destroyed (never confirmed). Surviving hardware tested to destruction.

63

Orrrr…

Mr. Shine-head will be caught in one of those annoying time-warps and end up going head-to-head with one of TVBatman’s old foes.

Before he knows it, he will be caught in said foe’s quasi-death trap. Actually the so-called death-trap will not merely be essentially survivable, it will actually automatically release him after a few minutes.

Except that…

Captain Whatsisname will completely fail to understand the nature of the death-trap. It is essentially a giant sewing machine, poised to stitch him to death. (I believe that there was actually one such trap for Batman and Robin.)

He will instead be focused on signaling Riker, up above n the ship. Riker will make some sort of helpful suggestion and of course Genius will make his signature command suggestion approval statement:

“MAKE IT SO!” :eek:

You see, the sewing machine trap is not only programmed to release him unharmed after a time, it also is voice-activated, and would only have killed him upon a certain voice command.

Er, well, those TVBatman villains were never for one moment not eccentric. As well as often dispaying a surprisingly soft heart. And a head to match!

And speaking of soft heads… I’d better go before you all throw things at me for an exceptionally bad pun.

  • “Jack”
64

Capt. Jonathan Archer will hit a riff in the time-space continum and will never be seen again. He will, however, be seen inhabitting bodies from the past, driven to change life for the better, striving to put right which once went wrong.

His only guide will be “Gene,” who appears as a hologram and only Archer can see and hear.

65

Well, I’m just a little bit skeptical about Kramer actually succeeding at something. Or even really wanting to succeed.

But I’ll buy the immortality part. After all, you can never have “entropy” die a death. And probably not “insanity” either. :wink:

Ba-ba ba-ba-ba-BA, ba-da DA-DA!

/ Musical voice off

  • "Jack"
66

Philip J. Fry: After a lifelong career of saving the universe at the bequest of the Nibblonians, Fry flies into a black hole. The result of which is that he becomes reincarnated in one form or another in every possible alternate universe.

Turanga Leela: Married Fry, had a one-eyed daughter and a purple-haired son. After the death of Professor Farnsworth (see below), she took over control of Planet Express and made it into the most succesful shipping company in the universe. Used her wealth to champion the cause of mutant rights. Committed suicide in prison after murdering Zap Brannigan (see below)

Bender Bending Rodriguez: Remained a hanger-oner with Fry and Leela for decades. After forty years of unsafe robot sex he developed irrepairable BIOS corruption and metal fatigue. Was euthanized by Fry.

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Died after surgical complications from attempted graft of bionic penile prosthesis. Preserved in the Head Museum, where he was tricked by Leela into posthumously granting her ownership of Planet Express.

Zapp Brannigan: Was promoted to Chief of Staff of Earth Defense Forces. After exterminating New New York’s entire subterranian population of mutants, was targeted for death by Leela. Survived twenty-two assassination attempts by sheer dumb luck. Was compressed into a microscopic speck of neutronium after Leela poisoned both goblets with dark matter.

Amy Wong: Married Kif Kroker, but divorced him three years later due to sexual incompatability. Inherited the Wong fortune, and bought out Mom’s Robot Oil after the death of founder Mom. Remains alive into the far future in a cybernetic body.

Dr. John A. Zoidberg: Fired for incompetency after Leela took over control of Planet Express. Became a homeless vagrant. Vanished into the Pacific Ocean, where it is believed he may have been caught in a trawler net and processed into fast-food fish sandwiches.

Hermes Conrad: Remained with Planet Express, rose to Senior Chief of Operations under Leela, took over as President and CEO after her death. Was declared legally dead of advanced senescence (under the “Too Feeble to Tell” Act) at the age of 311.

Kif Kroker: Made Captain, but was eventually tried and executed for treason by Zapp Brannigan, after a misunderstanding involving the removal of a laundry tag.

67

General Jack O’Neill: Eaten by a giant space muskellunge while on a fishing vacation on Planet XQ364.

Colonel Samantha Carter: Killed on a mission, where she actaully encountered a smart villain, who had the self-destruct mechanism detonate with 10 seconds left on the timer.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ascends again. Becomes a human again. Ascends yet again. Becomes human yet again. Finallly dies from an allergic reaction to pollen on planet XC781.

Teal’c: Becomes leader of the Jaffa people. Dies in bed with his 5 consorts. His last word is “indeed.”

Jonas Quinn: Unknown fate. No one seems to notice.

Vala Mal Doran: Strangled by her own hair.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Kidnapped and eaten by Muppets with Australian accents.

68

The descriptions of George and Kramer are PERFECT!! :smiley:

69

Dr. Zachary Smith:
Killed by mutant space hippies after Will Robinson decides not to save him.
…or discovered in bed horribly mutilated. All evidence points to The Robot. No one cares.

“Fonzie” Fonzarelli: Jumped one too many sharks.

70

The guy in the bee costume on the Simpsons just disappears one day and no one knows what happened. The next year all the other characters die from starvation after the ecosystem inexplicably breaks down.

71

Most of the characters on The West Wing are killed by the 112th Werewolf Congress, except for CJ who escapes to Minnesota, marries a man named MacGuff and has a daughter named Juno

72

Jason Seaver–Killed by deranged stalker of his wife Maggie.

Maggie Malone Seaver–Killed by deranged stalker of her husband Jason, who turns out to be an ex-patient he declared “cured.” The stalkers later meet and marry in prison, escape together, and are never heard of again.

Mike Seaver–Joins a demented Christian cult, later commits suicide on “Judgement Day.” Life goes on.

Carol Seaver–Dies age 25 of anorexia.

Chrissy Seaver–Dies of advanced aging disease at chronlogical age 9 1/2, physically aged to 100.

Ben Seaver–Kicks around for a while, working odd jobs. Writes a book about his family. Makes a fortune on the royalties and movie version. Later becomes a long running series. Retires and spends the rest of his life drinking, drugging, and boffing boffo babes. Dies at age 75, having spent the last 3 1/2 years in a coma.

73

Sylvester “Boner” Stabone - died age 22, of embarrassment when realizing he has the worst sitcom name in history. First, he finally realized what “Boner” means. Then he realized his name was a parody of Sylvester Stallone. Then he realized that with the names Sylvester and Stabone, “Boner” was actually his least embarrassing name. And yes, it took him till age 22 to figure all this out. He never was that bright.

74

Boner’s real name was Richard Milhous Stabone. Sylvester was his father.

Mike: So your mother says to your father, she says–What is your father’s first name?
Boner: Sylvester.
Mike: So she says "Sylvester, dear…wait a minute. Your father’s name is Sylvester Stabone?
Boner: Yeah. Who knew?

75

I did a thread on the fates of the That 70s Show kids several years back. Here’s the gist of it -

Eric - moves to NYC in the 1980s, becomes a yuppie stockbroker and amasses a considerable fortune, but loses every last cent of it to a cocaine habit and the stock market crash in '87. He ends up moving home to Point Place and living with his alcoholic, widowed mother (see below). They attend 12 step meetings together. Later, Eric gets in on the groun-floor of the internet, launching an early Star Wars fansite. He has a nervous breakdown after seeing the altered versions of the first trilogy, and just from the second trilogy in general. In a crazed frenzy, he attempts to assassinate George Lucas, and goes out in a hail of police bullets. His last dying words are “Han shot FIRST!”

Donna - Writes a memoir about her teenage years in the 70s. It becomes a bestseller, which is turned into a hit movie, and then a long-running TV series. Donna lives the good life in Hollywood, but suffers from terrible body dysmorphia stemming from Jackie’s cutting comments about her looks. She has plastic surgery after surgery, finally looking like something Jocelyn Wildenstein would be frightened of, before dying from a catastrophic botox mishap.

Hyde - Like many other teen ‘rebels against the establishment’, he turns into a God-fearing, American right or wrong, better dead than red, flag-waving, paranoic, fundamentalist conservative. He never speaks to his biological father or half-sister, and pretends they don’t exist. He prizes his handgun collection over his wife (Big Rhonda) and kids. At exactly 11:30pm on Dec. 31st, 1999, he shoots his wife, kids and self leaving a note explaining that he wants to spare his family the horrors of living in a post-Y2K world that “everybody knows” will send civilization back to the stone age.

Kelso - Returns to Point Place after the feminist mother of his child kicks him out. He ends up working stock at the local grocery store during the overnight shift He gets a lot of tail for a few years, but then his babyface good looks fade and he puts on a beer belly. As of March, 2009, he’s still working overnight shifts at the store, having only ever advanced as far as assistant supervisor. He never stops prattling on about the ‘good old days’ hanging out in Foreman’s basement.

Jackie - Becomes a ‘stew’ (airline flight attendant) on international flights to Japan and Hong Kong. She becomes smitten by a charming lothario frequent flyer and is thrilled when he tells her that he’s a movie producer based in Thailand, and wants her for a role. The movies are really porn videos, and Jackie gets coerced into ‘performing’ in a series. (In three seperate instances over the years, Eric, Hyde & Kelso each rent/buy the same tapes, and each one iin turn s stunned to recognize Jackie) Alas, even the porn video business is a front for a white slave-trading ring - Jackie simply disappears, and is never heard from again.

Fez - Comes out of the closet, moves to SF’s Castro neighborhood and opens a very successful 70s-themed novelty store. He simply goes on with his life with no troubles, until in the early 2000s, it is discovered that the minister who married Fez and Laurie back in '78 was a fraud, and Fez therefore is an illegal immigrant. He’s picked up by homeland security, and because of a hilarious series of misunderstandings that could only happen to Fez, he gets sent to Abu Ghraib. He dies undergoing an especially grueling waterboarding session.

Laurie - Poses for a Penthouse centerfold. Then becomes addicted to crack and a hooker. Eventually, she’s “Saved!” by a fundamentalist church and makes frequent appearances on a mid-80s tele-evangelist show, becoming a considerably well-known personality. And so, when she’s busted in a coke-feuled lesbian sex orgy with the ‘minister/star’ of said tele-evangelist show, it makes the cover of “People” magazine. Laurie turns up on a reality series depicting addicted former C-list stars in rehab. She dies from wounds inflicted from a viscous catfight with fellow rehab-ber/reality star Jessica Hahn.

the Foremans - Bob sees Laurie’s penthouse spread and shows it to Red, who drops dead of a massive heart attack. With her husband dead and her children gone, Kitty drinks herself into oblivion for several years. Eventually she joins AA, sobers up and marries Bob. They’re surprisingly happily married.

76

Let me guess: 20W50?

77

No, Frasier moved to San Francisco and continued his career as talk show host. Unfortunately, he was lost without the strong guidance of Roz, was fired from his job and later shot to death by a listener who blamed Frasier’s bad advice for screwing up his life.

Martin Crane, still grieving over the death of his son, took a long vacation with his wife Ronnie, driving the Winnebago on a tour of the Pacific coast. They died when the Winnebago was overturned by a Santa Ana wind gust. After his death it was discovered that Martin was actually an eccentric millionaire who had maintained a thoroughly middle-class lifestyle. His entire fortune passed to his surviving son…

Niles Crane, who, freed from the stifling influence of his father, older brother and first wife, realized his potential and became the world’s pre-emininet authority on human behavior. He won a Nobel Prize for medicine, but died of a heart attack at the age of 82. After his death it was discovered that Niles had engaged in homosexual relationships with hundreds of men, completely unnoticed by his widow…

Daphne Moon Crane. Although naive about her husband’s sexual other life, Daphne remained a kind and loving mother and grandmother to her and Niles’ only son and his grandchildren. After Niles’ death she began having more and more frequent “psychic visions” and was eventually institutionalized. She died of Alzheimer’s disease at the age of 98.

Roz Doyle became general manager of KACL, and then owned a small but successful group of radio stations. Roz never married, prefering relationships of varying lengths with much younger men. Her only child, Alice moved to Wisconsin and followed in her grandmother’s footsteps be being elected attorney general.

Lilith Sternin Crane saw her professional reputation eclipsed by Niles, which drove a wedge between the two. Lilith became increasingly protective and smothering of her son Frederick who eventually broke off all contact with her. Lilith died of multiple organ failure, which went undiagnosed because her pale skin, cold extremities and brittle, monotonic voice were considered “normal for her.”

78

Wesley Crusher: At age 22, becomes Starfleet’s youngest captain. After 30 years of seeking out new life forms, boldly going where no one has gone before, etc, etc, he is captured by Q. Q takes him back through time, showing him how he and his crew have affected other civilizations, and mockingly asks Wes if he’s proud to be a part of humanity’s interfering ways. After two days of this, Wes realizes that he is always so smug and self-important that he can’t even stand himself, and dies of a self-inflicted phaser blast.

79

Shouldn’t that be one too FEW sharks?

80

Stephen Keaton–Died of AIDS, having lived a double life for decades.

Elyse Keaton–Killed by her brother Ned Donnerly in an alcoholic rage. Ned is shot to death by the police when they respond to the incident.

Alex P. Keaton–Stops by his friend’s office at 8:30 to deliver some important papers. Unfotunately, the office was on the 100th floor of Tower 2 and the date was 9/11. Alex jumps out window to avoid fire.

Elyse Keaton–Works on a fashion magazine and later becomes the founder and editor-in-chief of “TWEENIES,” a magazine for 10 to 12 year old girls. Amasses a business empire. Marries three times, raises five step, three bio and twelve adopted children. Dies at age 97 surrounded by family.

Jennifer Keaton–Becomes a world famous singer and actress. Creates a Broadway show the the help of her sister that runs for 12 years and plays oversees and touring companies. Retires at age 40 and lives alone till she dies at age 97.

Andrew Keaton–Enrolls in the army after Alex’s death. Dies in a friendly fire attack in Iraq.