How would you commit the perfect murder?

In My Humble Opinion
1

We’ve all read the books, seen the movies or watched Columbo where someone plans and executes a “perfect” murder only to slip up on a minor detail, enabling the hero to solve the puzzle.

Most real-life murders are committed by someone known to the victim. Obviously then, the “safest” murder would be to do in a complete stranger, having no motive and leaving no evidence. This won’t count in this poll, since it’s actually too easy. (Leave a bomb in a bar, etc.)

In my tiny little mind, there are two earmarks to a “non-stranger” murder that could allow one to get away with it. The first is to leave no trace that a murder was committed. The second is to provide no evidence at the scene or otherwise and have an indisputable alibi.

I suggest the first is preferable, although harder to pull off.

So, who would you hypothetically off and how would you do it?

2

Impossible to say without data on the planned victim… for example, does the person have a job working with chemicals or hazardous materials? Do they have a life-threatening allergy? Do they have another type of life-threatening condition which they are medicated for? A history of mental and/or emotional illness? A really old, beatup car? A gas fireplace? An attack dog? A stalker? You get my drift.

The absolute best way to perform a perfect murder is to make it look like something totally ordinary.

Brakes that ‘give’ out in cold weather, carbon monoxide poisoning while the victim sleeps, accidental contamination of their food with an allergen, pricking them with bee venom, I dunno. Some of those thoughts wouldn’t be easy to accomplish, but you’re looking for ‘perfect’. :slight_smile:

3

You’ll find out very soon, and first hand, NutMagnet . . .

4

Anyone want to take any bets on how soon this thread gets closed?

5

[sub]
tiptoe…
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Wha’? Who’s that!?
Chuck? Is that y…
Thud
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6

[George Carlin]
“You pick one guy up by the ankles, and then you use him to beat another guy over the head. That way, they’re both dead, and there’s no murder weapon!!!”
[/George Carlin]
Tick tock…

Last call before lockdown!

7

Bastard! :stuck_out_tongue:

I came into this thread just to post that and you stole it from me!

8

if i tell you, it wouldn’t be perfect!

i hope we get to hear from OJ and Robert Blake before this gets shut!

9

Yeah? And what about it?

You gonna beat me senseless or something? Too late!
:stuck_out_tongue: :stuck_out_tongue: :stuck_out_tongue:

10

Heh

No, but I will be monitoring this thread, so you better hope that no one comes up with this perfect plan :wink:

11

Study the pros. No, not the ones who kill people (the ones who do so successfully don’t write books) but the ones who catch the killers. Read as many police procedural manuals as you can, find out the clues they’ll be looking for, and avoid leaving those clues.

Quick advice is that most of evidence comes from the murder scene and the corpse. If the police don’t have these to work from, you’re already several steps ahead of them. So don’t kill someone anyplace obvious like their home or office. And make sure you dump the body someplace where it’ll never be found.

And don’t put too much effort into the alibi. If you’re an obvious suspect the police will be checking your alibi. If you’re the actual killer, whatever alibi you’ve got is based on some form of deception. And that deception is a weakness in your alibi. If the police can expose this deception, your false alibi is now evidence of your guilt and you’d have been better off never having had an alibi in the first place.

One final word of advice is that committing felonies is one of those areas where delegating things is a bad idea. Set things up so you can do everything illegal yourself. One criminal will keep quiet out of self-preservation. Two or more criminals have to start worrying about how much they can trust the others.

12

Gee, off the top of my head? Well, I sure wouldn’t post anything about it on the Internet! They watch, you know…

So, my list-

No accomplices. None whatsoever.

Be incredibly smart and careful.

Tell know one what you are planning or have done.

Leave no paper trail of purchases or travel.

Leave as little of yourself at the scene as you possibly can.

Have no pangs of guilt whatsoever, they will spell disaster.

Be absolutely certain of your course of action. Uncertainty or second-guessing will cause errors that will be discovered and will point to you.
Based on the above, very few people are equipped to do the “perfect” crime, be it murder or anything else.

13

Top 6 Ways to NOT Commit the Perfect Murder

  1. DON’T go killing your ex-spouse in your $300 a pair shoes that leave distinctive bloody prints. (Thanks to OJ Simpson for the tip.)

  2. DON’T take out a hefty insurance policy naming yourself as the beneficiary, especially one that conveniently saves you from declaring bankruptcy, six months before your spouse turns up dead. (Thanks to Rob Marshall of Toms River, NJ for this tip.)

  3. DON’T conduct a very public affair with another woman a few months before your wife is murdered. (Thanks to Rabbi Fred Neulander of Cherry Hill, NJ for this one.)

  4. If you’re going to dispose of the body with a wood chipper, DON’T call undue attention to yourself by wood chipping into a lake at night in the middle of the winter. Duh. (Thanks to Dick Crafts of Newtown, CT for this important tip.)

(Aside: Is it just a coincidence that a lot of stupid murderers hail from the East Coast?)

  1. DON’T take shooting lessons at the local firing range a week before shooting your spouse in the back of the head. (Thanks to Della Sutorius of Cincinnati, OH for this gem.)

  2. DON’T get a bunch of teenager to commit the murder. They are notoriously emotional to begin with, and they’re not known for being discreet. Bonus tip: refrain from giving your lover polaroids of yourself in your negligee that be used as proof you had an affair. (Thanks to Pamela Smart of N.H. for this beauty.)

14

And for Gods’ sake, MAKE SURE THE OLD LADY LIVES ALONE.

[/Dostoevsky reference]

15

I am not inclined to this sort of activity, but for sake of discussion:

Let a pro do it. Here’s how. Find and kill a perfect stranger in a state which has the death penalty (Texas would be ideal). Set it up to look premeditated and plant simple and obvious evidence (documents, insurance policies, plane tickets, dna samples) pointing to the person you want killed.

Then the police will track down and arrest your victim for you, and 10-20 short years later, poof, no more problem.

16

This reminds me of the quote, “You’re only as strong as your weakest link.”

Seems especially apt in these contemplations.

17

I always think of the short story (sorry I can’t remember the author - but its fairly well known, and maybe someone will know) where the lady kills her husband with a frozen leg of lamb, and pops it in the oven. When the cops show up, she pulls out the lamb and feeds it to them. They search and search for the murder weapon, but it’s never found!

18

As was pointed out, most murders are committed by someone the victim knows, a crime of passion or domestic violence etc.

Unless one plans on relying upon the ineptitude of the local and/or government agencies crime solving abilities, to get away with such a crime there must be no obvious motives linking you to the victim.

People have been known to kill for a pair of sneakers or $17, so removing a motive from a murder is difficult to do if you have ever had contact with the person.

Now, committing a perfect murder is subjective. What constitutes perfect? Doing it, everyone knowing you did it, but not being convicted of it could be considered, if not perfect, very well done.

If by perfect you mean that there is no link to you, or anyone, and eventually the case gets filed as an unsolved and forgotten case, then it would be advisable to target a complete stranger.

As to how to do it, I’d suggest reading up on serial killers. The profilers love to write about the cases afterward. Almost invariably the killer only got caught because they got a) too comfortable, b) they committed so many murders that legions of investigators were assigned to the case, or c) because they wanted to get caught.

I’d also offer that it would help not to already have a criminal record. That way, if you leave a little hair or blood or something, it isn’t so readily identifiable. If you become a suspect, it would be evidence against you, but if they figure it could be anyone, that tiny bit of information isn’t going to help them pick you out of millions.

Of course, I personally think that the hardest part of taking someones life in cold blood is overcoming your own conscience and morals.

19

Hire Gary Condit to do it for you.

20

in England and old granny had her brains smashed in by youths who stole 20 pence from her (thats about $0.36)

A month ago in Bury near where i live a guy killed a cabbie
after not wanting to pay the $4 fare

Course you’d hire a proper hitman who would dispose of it for you . Or stick some sleeping drugs in the victim’s food put them in the trunk / boot of an old crappy car that you make public it is a piece of crap and want to get rid of it
then take it to the scrap yard and have it crushed get the cube car thing and stick it in the boot of another car.Repeat several times and tah dah your perfect ish murder
, just to make sure stick the car cube things in super strong acid.