I had what I think would have been a brilliant Deadwood finale.
The final shot is a panoramic one of old Deadwood and slowly, slowly, it changes into today’s modern tourist-trap town then fades out. I think this would have had quite an emotional, piquant effect.
The final episode of Battlestar Galactica should have featured Ron Moore being torn apart by wild wildebeast.
In the Seinfeld finale, Jerry and the gang were arrested for not helping a carjacking victim and then a bunch of guest stars from previous episodes were witnesses against them at their trial. I think that was backwards. Seinfeld always had its own sort of logic; weird, but internally consistent. Jerry et al pretty much ruined the lives of everyone they interacted with. If they’d intervened in the carjacking, they’d have ruined that guy’s life too. For once in their lives they stayed out of it. That should have been their defense at the trial, and all those characters from previous episodes should have been their witnesses, not the prosecution’s. I’d have had Jerry’s attorney track them all down, ask them to testify, and for all of them to say no.
Stranger Things:
The boys go into the forest and erect a small memorial to Eleven. It is shoddy cairn, and it looks childish, but they leave behind votive candles and offerings of Eggos. They are children after all, it is the best they can do.
Smash cut to the Upside Down. Eleven sits on a throne of organic slime. Long-limbed, faceless monsters lay at her feet like dreaming dogs. One of them leans against her throne, and she pets it gently. A giant slug wraps around her leg. She is home.
Lost-The final season. The flash-sideways parts actually would have been an alternate timeline with Desmond able to go back and forth because he’s, you know, special. His actions would have worked to re-unite the passengers, who now don’t know each other. In the on-island segment Jack, who would not have died, would be the new Jacob and Sawyer would be the new “man-in-black” who could not leave the island because if he did the alternate timeline. where people were much happier, not to mention alive in some cases, would collapse.
Married With Children didn’t get a proper final episode. If I had written the finale, it would’ve been an hour-long episode in which Al and Peg win the lottery, but something happens and they either lose it all or their ticket is invalidated. The final scene would open with the four of them sitting in the living room. The family gives Al a rough time, after which he says “What do you expect? We’re Bundys.”
For MASH I wouldn’t have Hawkeye go off the deep end, and I’d make it a nice 1 hour episode instead of a 2.5 hour monstrosity.
This one will be unpopular, but in my remake of the Newhart finale, it wouldn’t be a dream. Or maybe DIck would wake up next to Joanna and the only part that was a dream would be the last few weeks involving the Japanese buyout of the town.
Al murders the rest of his family with an ax and is acquitted by a jury of twelve shoe salesmen.
You can’t improve on perfection.
Hell on Wheels - Cullen should have gone to jail for the countless murders he committed. The West is tamed, there is no longer a place in America for frontier men like him. Hooking up with Fong was stupid, and heading to China to search for her was ridiculous.
Battlestar Galactica [reboot] - The mysticism throughout the entire show was just dumb, the ending doubly so. Science fiction derives it’s strength from all the immense possibilities of just the observable universe. It’s like ending the Sharpe TV Series with Richard getting into a Panzer.
As in life, all shows should end in murderous rampages.
Mary Tyler Moore show. Mary goes to NY to visit Rhoda, meets a widowed comedy writer named Rob Petrie and they get married. Bring in two great casts for a final episode.
Lost: I have no problem with the ending per se. But I would have used that last season to be more clear about who (aside from the Oceanic 815 gang) just who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. Was Sayid actually himself, or was he possessed by the Man in Black? Was Claire insane from being left alone, or was she possessed by the Man in Black? Was Charles Widmore actually trying to save the island and serve Jacob, or was Ben’s skepticism of his leadership justified? What was Ilana’s mission for Jacob - she got blown up without us really understanding what she was trying to do.
I don’t need the pseudo-science or mythology of the island laid out in detail. But I do feel a need to know the characters motives, who to root for and against. I feel that that’s what was missing from Lost.
“Lost in Space” - The Robinsons finally stumble upon Alpha Centauri, but the time warp they went through in Season 3 put them 50 years into the future and the planet is totally colonized and they are relics unable to fit into the future civilization. Smith is elected President of the planet, the Robot is his Veep, and the family either becomes homeless bums or blast back off into space looking for that time warp.
Seinfeld, Jerry and George are sitting in Jerry’s dressing room having the discussion about the shirt button, then Jerry gets called to the set of his sitcom and the director says action and the credits roll.
I would end the Sharpe series with Richard getting into a Panzer.
The Carol Burnett Show.
Tim Conway plays it straight through the entire 2 hour special. The rest of the cast still loses it waiting for one of his usual disruptions.
Sam leaps home. Is able to actually give Al a big hug.
StG
Lost: The way I see it the real climax of the series was the revelation that the island could travel through space and time.
Sam wakes up to find he’s the commander of the first Enterprise.
Brady Bunch: Police investigating the disappearance of the Brady family search the house, only to find a note in the bathroom. “Nine people and not even one toilet- I can’t take any more!” Sam’s butcher shop is shuttered and empty. Cut to a beach in Argentina, Sam and Alice are sipping mai tais and laughing, saying “they’ll NEVER find the bodies!”
Happy Days: Fonzie jumps the shark one more time, this time falling short.
There was an episode somewhere in the M…WC run in which Death (in the form of Peg Bundy of course) tries to take Al, but he manages to fend her off. Death said to him “Well, Al, of course I WILL be seeing you again…the day after you win the lottery!”
Bewitched – Samantha goes for a routine, mortal eye exam, gets a pair of glasses, and suddenly realizes she’s been living with an impostor Darren for the past four years. She allows Endora free reign to torture him as she sees fit.