Note that another old thread on the subject was also recently revived, but I’ve closed that one:
Contributors please note that this thread was started in 2001.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
IIRC, that was a fun thread.
Oh crap! That’s when the chimps learned how to use a bone to kill tapirs and then other chimps! :eek:
Uh…Sorry. That’s when we reaped what the chimps sowed. And when I say “we” I’m looking at you, OP, wherever you are.
Aw, shucks. I guess two babboon threads is one too many.
Yes, but he’s going to have his balls ripped off. Can we at least give the poor man some Levi’s?
Yes. As I said above, us humans out-do pretty much everything else in the endurance stakes.
Incidently, I found out watching The Amazing Race last night that it is called a bamboon.
Is Miss Teen South Carolina still on that show?
Besides, I think that’s only the Italian variety. If ever in a fight with one, just take your fist and bop a wop bamboon.
I have to go with the man. I don’t think it would be any contest really.
The man cound take some injuries and had better protect his dangly bits but, having been in many fights myself, mass confers a sizely (heh) advantage.
I’ve worked with non-human primates. I have some training, and some experience, and I’ve helped to train other handlers. My opinion is that I sure wouldn’t want to be the man in that fight.
I’m sorry to fight the hypothetical, but the “to the death” part seems unrealistic. Animals like these (the Hamadryas Baboon was mentioned by the OP, and there are other, similar sized species) rarely fight to the death. Establishment of dominance is usually enough, after which the encounter ends. So at some point, if the human stopped resisting, the primate would probably stop the attack. Of course, by then sufficient damage may have already been done to cause the eventual death of one or both parties.
As for the mental aspects of the fight, if sufficiently aroused the primate will throw himself into the attack with an instantaneous ferocity that must be seen to be appreciated. It is hard for me to imagine a human working himself up to an equivalent point. Maybe after some overly melodramatic movie-like mutual stalking, days of starvation and repeated threat, and other adrenalin boosters (what was that movie mentioned upthread?) the human might achieve the level of naked aggression that his opponent could achieve almost instantly. At any rate, I think this is the only way the man has even half a chance.
Once the attack begins, the far faster and more maneuverable animal will have bitten and scratched the man in a dozen places while the man is just realizing the fight has begun. The attack will probably focus on the face and the genitals. These will be deep, damaging, and painful bites. Having one’s scrotum ripped or bitten away could happen within seconds, and would surely cause serious incapacitation. Also, a series of bites to the face could render vision problematic, as scalp, eyelids, and even eyes may be torn or removed. Breathing may be compromised as the nose is bitten and torn, flooding the sinuses and breathing passages with blood. All of this can happen within the first 3 or 4 seconds. Additional bites to the hands and wrists will cause further blood loss, and almost certainly loss of function due to severed tendons and ligaments, and even broken bones.
The only prevention for this would be for the man to make a fortuitous and successful grab for the animal’s throat, to control its head. Perhaps strangulation might make the man a winner, but even here I’m doubtful. The animal is incredibly powerful and lithe. It will be twisting, writhing, biting at your hands and wrists and arms, and levering itself by use of all four limbs to break your grasp. Gaining and then maintaining control will not be a foregone conclusion. Even with your hands around its throat and your arms extended, its legs can still reach your face. It can kick and gouge your eyes with its toes, or wrap those legs around your neck and strangle you in return, while also pulling your face or arms into range of its teeth. I doubt most humans, even powerful and motivated humans, would be successful in holding on long enough to make an end to the fight. At least, not more than half the time, and likely less. Again, once it gets free and rips and bites your face and nuts off, I think a winner will be obvious and it won’t be the human.
The idea offered upthread to grab the animal and swing it into a body slam would not work. You grab it with one hand or even two, begin the swing, and it grabs you back with four fully functional limbs. You won’t slam it, instead it will chew up your hand and continue upward to your face. Remember, this is a thirty or forty pound animal with a mouth almost as big as yours, canine teeth much larger than yours, four grasping ‘hands’ to your two, extraordinarily powerful muscles, and lightning speed. It isn’t your Grandma’s Chihuahua. Back to scenario the first.
Bottom line, I’d give the non-human competitor at least 3 or 4 to 1 odds of winning. I know I won’t ‘handle’ these animals without preparation, tools, help, and proper (that is to say, protective) caging.
There has been a zombie thread on page one of GQ every day for the past week. I suspect it’s been every day for the past two weeks, but I’ve only been keeping track for a week.
Seriously, what gives?
How about for the past several months, or maybe even many months (years?).
They are almost invariably opened by people who just joined the Dope, and the great majority only make that one post (reviving the zombie), never to return. In this thread, the person just joined (see post #9), but actually posted two whole times! [Also post #17] Probably 99+% chance we’ll never hear from him again.
Anyway, what seems to give is there are a bunch of idjits cruising the web with nothing better to do than reopen old threads and make some useless and usually asinine comment for no better reason than to see what they wrote.