Humble Opinions on my lil brothers poem/rap

This is the 2nd time I did this…my brother had posted this rhyme on a couple other message boards specifically dedicated towards rap and poetry and I thought I would bring it to the dopers. I would provide a link but I’m not quite sure what screen name he goes by. The rap is fairly short but each person in his little group had to write a verse and below is his.

**[COLOR=DarkRed]From morning to night/ from night to shine/ I think of what happened and put it in a rhyme/ I talk about stuff that I know/ I don’t be fake trying to put on a show/ I’m a light brown dude with big green eyes/ big curly hair but small in size/ and that’s why some dudes think I’m not tough/ they always push and make me get rough/ like this one time a bully wanted to get ill/ got close up on me all up in my grill/ his breath was kicking but I didn’t wanna say/ I tried to be nice and let him go on his way/ truth be told he was the one in a bad place/ especially when he pulled my pants off my waste/ I don’t like belts I keep my pants sagging/ my mother was right when she said this would happen/ This pussy said “hey I pulled down his clothes”/ I pulled my pants up and punched him in the nose/ The punk rose up wanting to attack/ but 3 live homies straight got my back/ so when he put his hand out wanting to strike/ he was tapped on the left and hit from the right/ the proctor saw and wanted to come to his aid/ but before he could come the punk got laid/ out on the floor in a little ball/ me and the homies bust down the hall/ Yes we got caught but that was ok/ cuz the bully won’t step even until this day. [/COLOR] **

True story too, I remember when he got suspended for that but the Guidance Counselor was “off the record” glad that someone finally put the “punk” in his place.

Are you looking for ideas on how to make it better, or just general commentary? If the former, I think your bro needs to work on his rhymes, particularly in the first couple of lines. Watch out to check that it scans, too. If he’s planning to perform it, that kind of thing will show up more when it’s spoken.

general commentary…most likely that will not be the final product he always makes it work in the end.