Oh dear, this’ll be a long one. I guess I’ll try to keep it as telegraphic as possible.
Here’s what is going on: Boy meets girl. Or girl meets boy, whichever way you prefer. They hook up, and have a child. Og only knows why any of this happens, since the two of them are as different as night and day, but the heart wants what the heart wants. They are ADAM (a city boy) and EVE (a country girl). No connection to the other Adam & Eve, those were just the first names that came to mind. (Or. rather, the very first were Themistocles and Billie-Jean, but let’s just go with ADAM and EVE).
You are their (as of yet) unborn child. I know, stay with me, it’s gets even a little bit weirder.
As you are hanging out in EVE’s womb, you are visited by a spiritual entity. Or, by someone involved with running the Matrix. Or something, it’s not entirely clear, and doesn’t matter. This entity tells you the following: “You know all that stuff about genetics, that you haven’t learned yet? The stuff that determines which traits you will inherit from each of your parents? Well, all of that is mostly correct, but you’ll get a special deal, because you’re an exceptionally cute fetus. Your mother’s and your father’s families both exhibit some rather distinctive traits, which for the most part contrast in particularly delicious ways. Instead of leaving it to chance how you’ll turn out, we’ll let you pick which side you want to resemble the most.”
The entity hands you a form, with boxes to check for either mom or dad. You are also given some information about their respective families, which can be summed up as follows:
Social and emotional factors
EVE’s family are known for their big hearts. They tend to be extraverted, social and outgoing. They all get together for Christmas and other holidays, and are always there for each other, in good days and in bad. In general, they tend to display empathy for other people. They are known for being cheerful, optimistic, happy and completely mentally healthy.
ADAM’s family are often described as misanthropic, and are mostly introverted and withdrawn. They’re not on speaking terms with each other. Maybe they’ll show up at each others’ funerals, but that’s about it. There’s a family history of depression, with some suicides on the family tree. Even those family members who aren’t clinically depressed tend to be gloomy, high-strung and pessimistic.
Political factors
EVE’s family are mostly conservative and vote Republican. Most of them are at least a little bit racist. ADAM’s family tend to be liberal and vote Democrat. They’re tolerant and open-minded.
Physical appearance
Many of EVE’s family members are at least somewhat overweight. The men tend to go bald at an early age. None of them are hideous, but they’re also no supermodels. Picture a family of George Costanzas and Melissa McCarthys.
On ADAM’s side, by contrast, most family members are very good looking. They stay skinny with no effort, and keep their hair. The men tend to resemble Stuart Murdoch from the Scottish band Belle & Sebastian (I know, I know, no who one knows who that is except for me, but take my word for it, he’s hot), while the women have a Jessica Chastain thing going on.
Intelligence / artistic talent
EVE’s family like to watch Adam Sandler movies, and listen to Top 40 music. They have zero artistic or musical talent, and tend to display very little intellectual curiosity. On the IQ scale, they’re certainly not dumb, but they tend towards a more practical rather than theoretical kind of intelligence. They can fix car engines and build houses, but don’t ask them to do theoretical physics. (They are, however, all very good cooks: Their family dinners are famous.)
On ADAM’s side, it’s a very different story. Many members of his family are musicians, painters or architects. They all have exquisite taste in art and music. They enjoy museums, galleries and travel to exotic locations. They tend to have advanced college degrees, and often work in academia. They are all very intelligent, refined and well spoken.
Religious / spiritual factors
Here’s a bit of a twist, I suppose: Despite their Republican sentiments, EVE’s family members are *not *religious. They’re simply too matter-of-fact in their demeanor to care about that stuff. They are all very down to earth, practical, and have little concern for spiritual matters. No Bible-thumping around here, that God business isn’t for them. They’ll swear like sailors, fart at the dinner table, and happily indulge in carnal matters at every opportunity. None of them have kept their virginity for longer than absolutely necessary, and that’s just how they like it.
Instead, paradoxically, it’s on ADAM’s side where you will find those prone to religious speculation and puritanical conduct. You see, along with their cerebral and artistic natures comes a spiritual streak. Some of them claim a personal relationship with Jesus. Others are involved in strange cults. While they don’t all behave in this manner, there’s a definite trend going on there. Furthermore, they are often prudish, and certainly not prone to excess in the bedroom department. Religious anxieties, awkwardness, anti-social tendencies and primness all conspire to keep many of them virgins for a long time.
Zoological factors
On EVE’s side, most family members like dogs, while ADAM’s relatives tend to prefer cats.
OK, that is what you have to work with. Now, please note: There are still probabilities at work. You won’t necessarily end up with every trait from from the side of your selected parent. There will be an undetermined amount of random crossover, and in each family there is variability between individuals. So, you don’t know exactly what kind of person you’ll be. However, there will be a strong enough tendency towards one or the other for anyone to be able to say: “Yup, that kid takes after EVE’s family, all right!” or, conversely, “that little rascal resembles ADAM’s side, for sure.”
Furthermore: Theoretically, you might be able to cheat the hypothetical, by, for instance, ticking both boxes, or neither. But you’re just a fetus, so you’re too dumb to realize this. Therefore, you will end up ticking one box or the other. No third option.
A final point: After you’re born, you’ll retain no memory of this mysterious prenatal encounter.
The entity gives you some time to think, but will be back in a while to collect the form. So, pick one.
