When I was a kid, Christmas toys came loosely packaged in a cardboard or metal box (anybody remember the metal boxes for crayons?). You opened up the top and dumped out the booty. No muss, no fuss.
Now I’ve spent most of the morning gouging my hand trying to open inpenetrable clamshell packages, every goddamn tiny piece of every toy is minutely wired to the packages by these physics defying plastic wires that always twist tighter, no matter what direction you twist them in, Some parts are held in place by those plastic handcuff things with the ratcheted teeth which appear to have been designed to be able to opened with nothing but a steak knife.
The worst is the electronic drum kit that is not just wired but screwed to the packaging with metal screws. Not just metal screws, but the really tiny ones that you can’t use a regular screwdriver on, but you have to go find an eyeglasses repair kit, or (as I did) end up using the tip of the same fucking steak knife and stripping the shit out of the crossheads. Then the battery compartments all have the same tiny screws.
Why do toy manufacturers package this crap like this? I wish they’d go back to the simple cardboard boxes, or better yet, those awesome old metal boxes with the simple pop-off lid. How the fuck are you supposed to open this shit? Is there a really simple method of getting into a clamshell package that I’ve just never been clued into?
Children aren’t supposed to grow up with memories of daddy on Chritmas morning trying to gnaw his way into a package of Barbie accessories, saying “open up, you fucking cocksucker, I’ll fucking melt you.”
I noticed Amazon now offers “frustration-free” packaging, where the item just comes in a plain cardboard box. My dad ordered a Fisher-Price camera for my daughter than came like that. Just the camera, wrapped in plastic, in a cardboard box. No muss, no fuss. I hope it catches on.
That’s what I came in to say. We got The Littlest Briston a 135,000-piece Fisher Price train set – the store-bought version would require about a week and a bandsaw to open, the frustration-free version required one zip of the x-acto knife to slice the tape.
I hate those things too. I’ve found two solutions that work equally well. Solution one: stab the fucker with my pocketknife and slice the whole top off and rip it open. Solution two: use the little power snips that Ryobi makes and nibble the package open cleanly.
ETA: Nashiitashii informs me that can openers also work well.
I spent my morning fighting with myriad fastening devices too and I had the right tools for the job! (precision screwdrivers, linesman pliers, and knife will open 'em all). What I came in to say though is that the most thoughtful gifter in my family this year is my brother-in-law who cut all the ties and difficult packaging and put the toys back in the plastic cases so the kids could open everything up themselves. I am so going to do this for someone else even if I have to but gifts for a family I don’t know. It was a wonderful relief to see that unwrap-and-play satisfaction of gift opening that I remember from childhood.
One of the many benefits of online shopping. The asshole packaging is due to wanting to prevent shoplifting, but shoplifting’s not really an issue with Amazon. Safe as warehouses.
I don’t understand how having every single little piece of accoutrements wired down like Fort Knox deter shoplifters. I can see locking down the main action figure thingie, but not his helmet, weapons, wristbands, canteen, little black book, etc.
I shared the OP’s pain today with various Transformer, Hulk and Spiderman presents.
My daughter got a pony/unicorn/pegasus with a flowing mutlicoloured mane which was held together by stitcied plastic membrane of pain. If you’re not careful, off goes the mane.
I was going to suggest that - it’s SO much easier.
Though Dora Links was impenetrable, her box consisted entirely of attachment points and clear plastic. Shredded the whole thing busting her out. And I still haven’t managed to install & active the software (I suspect McAfee is interfering).
In the family grab bag I grabbed one that, from its size and shape, shoulda been a CD or DVD. Instead it was a nice wallet that I will need eventually packaged in a tin box.
From my practically-SIL I got Japanese junk food in another tin box. The wasabi peas were so fresh you could see into the near future. From which they will involve eventual anal regrets for eating them. Note: the green ones are for amateurs. The white ones are for pros, but it takes a handful.
I like tin boxes, but only classy people use them. I might even learn SIL’s last name for that one. He’s a keeper.
Yes. That way, in the event of shipwreck, all the electronic toys will still work when they wash up on the shores of Christmas Island. And the good little boys and girls will have more than just drowned sailors’ bloated bodies to play with.
