In real life my first name is Mike.
That is, everybody calls me Mike, just about everything that has my name on it says “Mike,” and so on. My birth certificate says Michael on it, because that’s what my parents named me, but as soon as I could talk I made it clear in no uncertain terms that my name is Mike.
I went down to the DMV today to get a new learner’s permit, since my old one expired way back on 2002. As some of you know, I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle and so I need some valid docs first.
So I go to the NY DMV’s website to find out what I need to do to prove I am who I say I am. Since my permit expired more than two years ago, I can’t use that, so I need my birth certificate, SSN card and four points worth of ID. So I look at the long list of acceptable documents and their point values, and assemble a folder full of about a dozen points just to be safe. Major credit cards, bank statements, utility bills, W-2 forms, insurance cards, you name it.
So to the DMV I go. “I need to apply for a learner’s permit,” I declare, and am handed the appropriate form. I fill it out. I bring it to the window with my birth certificate and SSN card.
“I need four points of identification,” the clerk intones for the four billionth time that day.
Confident, I declare, “No problem, I got a bunch of stuff right here” and open my Folder of Things With My Name On Them.
Her: "These say, ‘Mike.’ Your birth certificate says ‘Michael.’ I can’t take these.
Me: “But, err, I use Mike all the time, that’s been my legal name for years…”
Her: “Then you have to get a new birth certificate. Have a nice day.”
Me: :mad:
I expect to be grabbed in my sleep and shipped down to Guantanamo any day now.