I don't know what to do... a life crisis

I have a decision to make. As decisions go, it’s a biggie. And I have to make it soon. I don’t know what to do, but I’m hoping that writing about it might make it easier.

It concerns my job and my life.

At the moment I’m in a job that I find a touch uninspiring. I joined from university 2 1/2 years ago and I used to find it inspiring, but lately I’ve been demotivated. I think that the demotivation springs from [list=1][li]being moved to a location that rather isolates me[/li]
[li]not being involved much in teamwork, since I progressed rather too quickly for comfort so that technically I’m superior to those who started quite a bit before me. Noone quite knows what my role ought to be so noone really wants to include me in a team situation.[/li]
[li]the straight dope, which has attracted too much of my working time by thought if not deed[/li]
[li]the current management team really suck[/li]
[li]I was heavily involved in a project that looked as though it had been badly managed and was going to cause me problems.[/list=1]As such I applied for new jobs, and got them all. I eventually selected one that looks really hot, in a tightly focused partnership-based company that is very forward-looking. They really wanted me and broke pay-scales to get me (sorry if this comes off like boasting but if I’m going to decide my fate I have to be honest to myself). I was flattered and impressed and accepted the job.[/li]
Fast forward 2 months. I’m at the end of my notice period. I finish my current job at the end of the week and start the new one next Monday.

And I find myself not wanting to do it.


Well to answer the above points [list=1][li]the desk positions are being moved around. This should hopefully be addressed.[/li]
[li]new members of staff have come in and old ones have left. I ought to be more of a senior figure now.[/li]
[li]MY fault. This just needs determination on my part.[/li]
[li]So? People in other offices respect me and want to work with me. I have garnered a reputation. It is hard to give that up.[/li]
[li]The biggie. The project has really taken off. It has been selected as one of the few national projects for this year and I have been given a team to progress the thing. Further it has been selected as one of the UK’s two global initiatives. It is BIG.[/list=1]Hmm. So far it sounds as if I’m convincing myself to stay. Balance the excitement of the new job against my potential working on the project and it comes out quite even.[/li]
But there is more to it than that.

The new job is the other side of London. A fairly long way away.

My parents live in a town close to where I currently am. I get on very well with them.

My sister is about to start a job in the town next to my current town. I get on well with her.

I have friends here.

But most importantly:

Ms kabbes works in the same office as me. She has hated it since joining from uni 1 1/2 years ago. The plan was for her to switch to the office near to wear my new work would be.

However she has recently changed her mind. Furthermore she is shy and loathes the idea of having to start again with a new group of people. People respect her here and she is afraid that she won’t have that in the new place.

But she is willing to move for me. I don’t want to make her do that.

We have found a new house near to the new work. It is gorgeous. We both really want to live there. But she would only be moving for me and the house, not for her career. This seems unfair.

She doesn’t know what she wants to do. She thinks that I should take the new job.

Ah yes - another thing. In my current job I can get away with turning up at 9:30, having 90 mins for lunch and going home at 5pm (not too often, but I can). I live close by and so can get up at 8am+. These are not benefits to be sniffed at.

I love working with my SO. We have lunch together. We go to work events together. It’s nice.

I seem to be convincing myself to stay. But it is such a good work opportunity. And the new location is a lovely place to live and we love the house.

What the bloody hell do I do? I have to decide within the hour, since my unit head isn’t here tomorrow and I have to sort it out.

Sorry for the length of this and its rambling stream of conciousness style.

But what do I do?


Wow, kabbes, this sure is a tough call from the looks of it. Instinctively, I’d say go with the new job. Changing companies is always good early on in your carreer, and it looks like you’re going to make good money there as well. Your GF doesn’t seem to mind - I’m assuming she’s not THAT shy that she would just let you have your way - and there’s a nice house nearby. After all, you should work to live, not the other way around.

That’s about all the advise I’ve got for you mate… good luck in your decision!

Make a list of the plusses and minuses of both jobs. Assign a ranking or weight - IE, flexible hours are a +8 on a scale of -10 to +10, while starting over for both of you is a -4, say. Be honest with yourself and your wife/SO on each one. Add them all up, and see if it feels right.

McDonald’s is firing too… They offer competitive wages. (-: Sorry I had to say that.

As for myself would like your current job, I like the freedom of being able to do as I please. 10minute lunch at the snack machine or 1 1/2hr lunch at hibachi (japenese steak house down the street from where I work) :slight_smile:
As for your SO she will just have to decide for herself but reassure her that it’s her decision and your behind her.

Do whatever will make you happy.

???If you go to this new company and decide that you don’t like it. Would your old one let you come back???

Well Coldie, ironically as you were writing that, I was talking to my current boss. Funny enough I’ve decided to stay.

I’m still not sure that it is the right decision and I’m dreading letting down my ex-future employers. I don’t want to screw up that call, since I want to be able to change my mind 6 months down the line. I’m not sure that will be possible though.

I had done something similar to what RalfCoder suggested, although not with scoring (that would have been a nice touch!) It seemed to me that I was trying to convince myself to stay.

The money is ever so slightly better in my current job and it is that very “work to live, not live to work” philosophy that seems better suited to where I am now.

My biggest problem though is my SO’s self-confidence. Despite doing my best to improve this (lots of positive reinforcement), I worry that she thinks that she couldn’t do without me at work. I know that this is not true but in a way think that the only way I can prove it to her is to force us to move.

But we’ve talked about this. I think that she knows now that it ain’t so. And I think that having a stable working relationship with the others in the office is doing her good in terms of reinforcement. I don’t want to break that by moving. I worry that any advantage gained from making her stand on her own two feet would be lost by making her reform working relationships with a new group of strangers. She needs to do well in her next set of professional exams and prove to herself how bloody smart she is, 'cos she’s convinced me.

Oh, when did life get so complicated?


ps Nick - they would love me to come back. But I don’t want to make an upheaval and then reverse it. I want to make the decision now and make it work.

I know that interest is scanty, but I hate leaving a story unfinished…

On Wednesday lunchtime I had an epiphany. I realised that I’d been panicking and had made the wrong decision.

So I had to reverse it and tell all those whome I had told of my reversal about my re-reversal.

This lead to much heart-to-heart talking in which I couldn’t explain the true reason for my actions (cos they don’t know yet that Ms kabbes is planning to leave), so came across as being a bit silly.

Anyhow, I’m going. Wish me luck (or rather don’t, cos you don’t want to waste the bandwidth). You may see a bit less of me in future, although you never saw much of me in MPSIMS anyway and I don’t know if the GD’ers and Pitizens I run into are reading this.

So, there it is. The end, so to speak.


ps Coldie - what you said about “Changing companies is always good early on in your carreer” had a big impact on me and forced me to think about whether I really intend to saty at my current job another 40 years anyway. I want to thank you for that; I think it made a difference. Cheers.

It’s a brave thing to do, reversing a decision like that. Or was that re-reversing? Anyway, good luck in the new job, kabbes, and I hope your GF finds something suitable as well.
And don’t thank me, you did it all by yourself! Although it’s true that early on in your carreer, every new experience is a good one in the long run. So, taking risks is what it takes to learn about different companies, different organisational cultures.

Again, best of luck mate!

The kids of today have absolutely no respect for their musical heritage…kabbes Why didn’t you call this thread ‘Should I stay or should I go’ ??? geez…

Just wanted to wish you well and to say that’s great advice from Coldie. I hope it all works out for you and your lady and I also hope to see you around still. Good luck !

kabbes, that is so cool.

I’d wager you deciding to take the jump has made you feel even more alive. I realized just a couple of years ago that this process is really what life IS - it is a continual process of dealing with the consequences of the decisions you make. That sounds simple once it’s said, but I’m all the time coming across people who spend their days refusing to make life changing decisions because of their fears. And their fears are not of what will happen once their lives change, it’s that they won’t be able to handle the new happenings that come with the changes.

Anyways, to cease this rambling allow me to offer a toast in your honor:

“Here’s to kabbes, for stepping up and making the leap. May his courage inspire us all!”

And a second toast to Coldfire for his wise words of inspiration and encouragement. [sub]NOT sucking up to the mod - I’d offer that to anyone who said those things.[/sub]

Thanks Tyg. And you’re right. Making the decision gave me sleepless nights, butterflies, doubts. But having made it I feel great - much better than before! And having been through the process, I’m a lot more confident that it is the right decision too.

Whilst I’m with the thanks: cheers too to L_C - who should stand by for the first kabbes dopefest, which will chiefly take place in the swimming pool in the house I am hopefully eventually acquiring (told you that we really wanted the house). He is so right about the let down on the musical heritage front too. In my defence I will point out to him that the first time I spoke to the great L_C, I quipped that I didn’t want to “clash” with him. So I hope that earns me a few brownie points back.

And Coldfire - it may have been my decision but the right word at the right time does do wonders for the thought processes sometimes.


I just thought some of you might be interested to know that they’re closing the office I used to work at in January.

So it looks as though the kabbess and I made the right decision.

That’s all.


Hey! That means my advise was worth something for a change! Woohoo! :slight_smile:

Yeah. Shame yer spelling sucks though, ya bozo :wink: