I coulda been a contendah! I coulda been somebody! But now I’m fated to remain a peon, alas.
Let me start at the beginning (insert appropriate “going back in time” TV sound effects HERE):
For the longest time, all the phones we’ve had have been old rotary phones, which we like because of their classic look. Of course, this leads to problems when interacting with those stupid “press one NOW” answering systems that all big important companies seem to have, so we decided we ought to pick up a touch-tone phone. Friday, I bought one at the thrift store for $1.81.
When I got home, I figured I had better test it to make sure it works. Plug it in: dial tone OK. Check. Hmmmmm, maybe I better call someone, just to make sure it works. How about my buddy Regis Philbin in New York? I had his number (1-800-433-8321, between the hours of 6pm and 2am ET) lodged in my medium-term memory. I call, Regis answers and invites me to answer three questions. I answer them, randomly pick a date, and am told I might get a call back the following day. Cool, my phone works!
Well, Saturday rolls around, I’m puttering around the house, and who should call on my new phone but a representative of ABC? Hey, cool! I answer some legal questions, and they tell me to call a special number on Monday to participate in the final round. Only forty people are in the final round, from which they choose ten contestants plus a few alternates. I do some quick figgerin, and I find that I’ve got a better than 25% chance to win a free trip to New York. Not overwhelming odds, but I’m a pretty smart guy, right (err, right?), and I ought to be able to do pretty well in the last round trivia questions.
Now I’m pretty geeked. Heck, this was easy! I should have bought a touch-tone phone a long time ago. I’m obviously the child of destiny. I spend the intervening time perfecting my pitter-patter with Regis, so I’m not caught unprepared when I get on stage.
So Monday rolls around. I call at the correct time and start playing the final round, which like the first round, consists of putting-things-in-order-type “fastest finger” questions, only there is a total of five. The first two are pretty easy, and I’m reasonably sure I’m right. The third was a little harder (put these movies in reverse order by the historical era they depict), so I think a second before punching in the numbers.
Wait a second! The question asked for reverse order, and I put them in forward order! AAAAAAAUGHHHH! I SCREWED UP! Man, my confidence is shattered! I finish up the questions, and sit there the rest of the afternoon like a teenager without a prom date, but I never get a call back.
Damn! I was so close! It wouldn’t be so bad if I just didn’t know the answer, but taking myself out of contention because I didn’t pay close enough attention hurts.
Ah well, I didn’t want a million bucks anyway.
