It’s 5:10 in the morning. I have been awake since about 3:30, and I went to bed at 11. In between that, I must have woken up about 5 or 6 times. I have an 8:30 class, and I’ll be at school until about 5 or so. I commute, so I have about an hour drive up, and 40 minutes back (due to traffic and construction). Then I have homework. I have no less than 4 big projects due next week, and one the week after. I am exhausted. Midterms have been hell, and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I can feel it - I am making myself sick with lack of sleep, but I don’t know how to fix it. I haven’t slept well in about 6 years. Not even during the summer, or Christmas break or anything. I just DON’T BLOODY SLEEP! And right now, with the stress of not being able to sleep, piled onto the stress of school, my brain is fried. I know that I’m not thinking straight. I know that my body isn’t responding the way that it should. I know that my attention span is nil, and that my grades are being affected. I struggle to make it through each day because I’m tired, then my head hits the pillow, and BAM! wide awake.
#*@*%#(# @#*(#&(&@# &@(#@#(&@#(%&(@#@ (%@#&@#(&(#@&$(@#%&@#!!!
I worry whenever I have to commute (which is every weekday). I am beinginning to feel that maybe I shouldn’t be on the road, because I am so tired - it seems the only time my body seems to want to sleep is when I am driving. I have noone to share the drive with, either. It’s just me, dealing with the bloody construction and the bloody asshole drivers in this God-forsaken province who seem to think that just because they pass something - anything - on the side of the road, they have to fucking slow down. OOH, a dumptruck! BRAKE! OOOH a tractor! BRAKE! OHH a mailbox! BRAKE! OOOHHHHH look, honey - grass!!! BRAKE!!!
#*@*%#(# @#*(#&(&@# &@(#@#(&@#(%&(@#@ (%@#&@#(&(#@&$(@#%&@#!!!
My boyfriend is no help, either, tonight. For once in his bloody life he’s having trouble sleeping too (which as far as I’m concerned appears to be heaven in terms of how much sleep he’s getting right now) and my struggle to sleep appears to have affected him personally. Usually he takes me in his arms, and tries to calm me down, tries to get me to focus my mind and relax a little. Tonight though, he tells me “Fuck, its not as though I’m sleeping either, what the Hell do you expect me to do about it?”
When I can’t sleep, I CAN"T SLEEP! THere is so much noise in my head, so much static. I can’t control my body - I itch and twitch and it’s almost painful to try and lie down and rest. Usually he can make me relax enough to get some sleep, but refuses to do anything tonight. And the damn cat is whining about something - I love that cat, but its SO MUCH MORE STRESSFUL. Even now, I’m twitching and itching - I want to chop off my hair because it’s bothering me, and I know that that doesn’t make much sense, but its true. I’m alternating between hot and cold - when I was in bed, I was boiling with the blankets, and freezing without them, and now I’m putting a sweater on and taking it off every 5 minutes.
I don’t know if there’s anything wrong with me. I haven’t been able to find the time to go see a doctor, but I think it’s just all in my mind. I an a physchological insomniac, not because of something physical. I spoke to a doctor once about it, briefly, and he told me that it was pointless to try and do anything about it while still in university - that my schedule was too unpredictable to try and pinpoint the problem. But I know what the problem is. I DON’T BLOODY SLEEP!!!
I don’t know much psychology, but I seem to remember that there is a stage of sleep (REM?) where you actually get most, if not all, of the rest in a night. I am convinced that that’;s the stage of sleep that I don’t reach, because even when I do sleep, I never feel rested. It’s like I bounce right back out of it, and then its a waking nightmare trying to convince my brain that it needs to sleep. In the meantime, its all NOISE NOISE NOISE! I think about school, I think about the apartment, the cat, home, I start rocking back and forth to try and tire out my muscles, and I start to think about Fucking physics and energy consumption! It’s all NOISE!!! Like sitting in a crowded room with random bits of frustrating conversation flying around, and in the meantime the rest of the “sound” coming at you is like static from a TV. You can’t stop it, and you can’t ignore it. Even by kicking and thrashing, because I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work. The noise just doesn’t go away. I’ve tried focusing my mind on one single thing, but that doesn’t work either, at least not when i try it alone, because there;s always something in the back of my mind. My boyfriend gave me a “big green circle” to think about, and “he watches over me, and takes care of everything” but it doesn’t seem to work anymore. It’s better if my boyfriend talks to me, and tells me to concentrate, and think of the circle, and to relax, etc, but I can’t do it on my own. And he won’t help
I should do homework instead of write this, but my mind is way too scattered. I want to sleep. I want to go back to bed, but even if I try, I have to get up in about an hour anyways. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with this right now. I don’t have the time to go to the clinic, and I’m afraid of trying to take some sort of sleeping pills. I don’t want to rely on drugs to get me to sleep. I just want my brain to shut up, and let me rest. I just want the noise to go away. I hate being stressed, and I know school has a lot to do with it - I’m trying to get my senior thesis done while also writing reports and essays for a bunch of useless classes that the university seems to think are necessary (a whole other rant…), but it shouldn’t be much more stress than any other semester - and yet it is. This semester is depressing me so much, and the exhaustion is only adding to it. I have absolutely no patience left. If something goes wrong while I try to write something - like if my computer crashes - I go completely apeshit, and it takes me so much time to calm down enough to come back to the computer and keep working. Even if I make a typo - sometimes I you just keep hitting the wrong key a couple of times in a row - I get pissed off and start slamming the keyboard to get the letters out right.
I want to go home. I want to see my mother. but I’m, 850km away, in a province that I bl**dy hate, and I can’t go home until after exams. By that point, I beginning to think I’m going to have to be committed anyways, because this is driving me CRAZY!!! I DO NOT feel sane anymore. I don’t think straight, and I overreact to everything, and I stress and panic and don’t sleep, which just makes it all worse. It’s a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to handle. It just makes me want to scream - but it’ll wake up the neighbours. I’m already crying on and off.
I wish my boyfriend would have helped me. I wish someone could help me. I wish I didn’t have classes to go to, or that if I have to, that I could just go do them NOW and not have to drag it out all day long.
Its ten to 6. Fuck I type slow. My alarm goes off at 6:45. I feel like I could just pass out right now, but the stress of waiting for the alarm would keep me awake. I don’t want to go back to bed, though. I’m upset at my boyfriend. I know he has the right to sleep too, and to not have to be kept awake by me, but it’s so difficult to accept that when you feel like your brain is revolting against you, and you’re tossing and turning and burning and freezing and itching and twitching and feeling like there is nothing in the world that will allow you to sleep, ever again. He puts up with me a lot, and sometimes I don’t know why, but its hard when you need someone to help you sleep, and they aren’t there for you.
Even my cat has gone back to bed. EVeryone’s asleep but me.
Fuck.
I hate my body.
I hate my brain.
Will someone please just MAKE IT STOP???
MAKE IT STOP!!!