I hate fucking junk mail, solicitors, sales calls.

The BBQ Pit
1

My life is busy enough. And I’m getting sales called and junk mailed to death.

I get:

Junk mail - This used to be fun, but now I have to open every envelope just to make sure it’s not a bill. And I hate having to shred credit card offers. Now, I don’t even bother opening the Valuepaks. Aggravating factor on a scale of 1 to 10: 2

Spam - Just irritating, since they don’t cost me anything except for time. Except those mofos who think e-mailing me an attachment is fun, in which case I say FUCK YOU. And where are these fuckers getting my e-mail address? Aggravating factor: 2

Fax junk mail - These are the fuckers I hate the most. It’s against the law, and it wastes my ink and paper. I fucking hate these guys the most and hope they all go to Hell! Aggravating factor: 10

Phone sales calls at home - The worst fucking ones are from the phone and credit card companies. I sometimes just fucking hang up on them. My phone numbers are now all unlisted. AF: 5

Door to door salesmen - Why should I open the door to these MOFOs? What if they are fucking robbers and want to rob my house when open the damn door. Yet they fucking keep knocking even when I don’t answer. And my office has a NO SOLICITING sign on it and those mofos still fucking come in. If you are a mother fucking door to door salesman FUCKING GO AWAY. I should change my sign to say NO FUCKING SOLICTING. AF: 10 (Fuck you)

Free local and regional newspapers: I fucking hate these because I didn’t order them and they get thrown on my lawn. I fucking hate getting them because I have to walk down the drive, sometimes in the rain, or snow or sun, down a steep slope to get them. I don’t read them and it’s just a waste of paper. AF: 7

People contacting me for pyramid schemes: Fuck you and fuck off. The only pyramid scheme I’d join is the one I make, where I’m on top. All the rest of you, fuck off. AF: 10

Telephone sales calls where when you pick up it’s a phone recording: That just fucking shows no respect. Who the fuck is going to buy something from a recording. AF: 10

Cellular phone sales call from the cell phone company: Until I fucking called up AT&T to complain, they sent me this fucking message every day to ask me to sign up for some fucking bonus plan or the other. FUCK THEM. AF: 10

Pager solicitation: Yes, it’s true, you answer a page and it’s to a phone recording. AF: 11, because I actually have to fucking do something, and it’s a FUCKING sales call.

Solicited from the car: I don’t mind these too much actually and I sometimes give them a few bucks, especially if their message is imaginative. AF: 1

Solicited by politicians for campaign funds. FUCK OFF. If you can’t get elected without MY help, then you don’t deserve to get elected. AF: 8

All of the above is why people really go postal, not their job, not their family. There should be a law that says you can only solicit if a person gives that permission in advance. The only place which is safe for me is when I’m taking a dump. And that’s where I’m going now.

2

3 more I forgot to add:

Being solicited on the street. Hey mofos. If I don’t make eye contact with you, don’t fucking block my way. The homeless just sitting there are OK, I’ll give if I want to, but don’t fucking come at me like a linebacker going for a RB. I always remember that sequence in the original Airplane movie where that guy jujitsus all those Hari Krishna guys. Makes me laugh everytime I think about it. AF: 9

Internet Banners: Especially those that move. Makes my hard drive store extra images which I don’t want and I don’t need. Hey, you stupid Internet advertisers. I never read those things. It’s a waste of your money and my time. AF: 2, because I hit the stop load buttons.

Infomercials. Hey does anyone really buy those things? AF: 1

So, what are everybody’s pet rants and AFs?

3

Actually, if you pay for your internet connection, about $2-3 a month goes to spam prevention. As for where they get your address…if you order online, if you list your email address on a registration form, if you go into a chatroom, if you have a profile (on AOL, at least), if you post on usenet/newsgroups, someone’s harvesting your address. One of the reasons we (the staff) turned off an option on this message board was to prevent people from harvesting screen names and addresses of our registered users.

4

There should be a law that says you can only solicit if a person gives that permission in advance.

IIRC, there is a law similar to this, but instead of an opt-in policy, it’s an opt-out policy. And solicitors will try their hardest to make sure you don’t know how to opt out.

5

Mind if I add one to your list Major?

Amway (or any other MLM scheme) fuckers. If it is so great, why do you have to hide the fact that what you are selling is amway? All that “wanna make more money?” or “I own my own business” shit that you learn at your seminars has been done to death, everybody with sense knows you are pushing scamway on them. And all you Amway mother fuckers who told me you were retiring when you were 30, I bet every single one of you is still working, plus you are all in huge debt for all that amway shit you had to buy. HAHAHA.

6

One of my pet peeves is the alumni office from one of the schools I attended calling and calling and calling for money–not to mention the stupid mail begging letters. Sorry, the stupid school was WAY too expensive and if I give money to a college I give it to my first alma mater.

So, I just hopped down to the local Post office, got a change of address form and filled it out for the school. What address did I use? The one from the scamming credit card company that start you out with a 2.9% interest rate and have you paying 21.9% in 9 months time. Put an unlisted phone number. You’ll never hear from them again!

Just imagine the fun you can have–take addresses from all your most irritating mail spammers–target YOUR spam mail to THEM! They’ll never bother to find out what happened–and they’ll have to pay to handle the crap. Send that junk mail on its way!

7

Carpet cleaning companies - AF = 10

Used to get called twice a week by the same company asking if I wanted a free carpet cleaning. They refused to take me off their list so I found a solution…

Solicitor: Hello Mr. H., my name is Muffy and I work for Ajax carpet cleaning. We are running a special offer where we will steam clean the carpets in one room of your house. Are you interested Sir?
Me:I don’t have carpets in my house.
Muffy:Everybody has carpets in their house.
ME: Really, I don’t. It’s all hardwood.
Muffy: Wouldn’t you like to have your carpets cleaned for free? You must have some carpets.
Me: I have a 100 year old Navajo rug, that’s it. It gets sent out for cleaning.
Muffy: We can we come out and clean that for you.
Me:No you can’t.
Muffy: It’s totally free of charge and there’s no obligation. We do offer a special rate for cleaning the rest of your carpets.
Me: Are you listening? I don’t have any carpets.
Solicitor: Are you sure you don’t need any carpets cleaned?
Me: Muffy, you sound like a nice girl. how old are you?
Muffy: 19.
Me: You have a really nice voice.
Muffy: Thank you.
Me: Is your hair blonde?
Muffy: Yes, how did you know that?
Me: I like blondes.
Muffy: About the carpet cleaning?
Me: What are you wearing Muffy?
Muffy: I don’t think I should answer that.
Me:I’m not wearing any clothes right now.
Muffy:Excuse me?
Me: You would look nice laying out on my Navajo rug. Are you going to come out here yourself?
(click)

They never phoned back.

8

<chuckles>

When I was applying to college, I used to get calls daily from different branches of the military. On Tuesdays it would be the Navy, Thursdays the Air Force would call in, Sunday nights the Army would solicit, etc. Now I have nothing against the military, but their recruitment calling was fucking overzealous. They asked all sorts of personal questions about what I was interested in, what I wanted to study, etc. So it finally dawned on me how to get rid of them. I just told one of the recruiters that I was considering a major in art history. They never called again.

MR

9

Well, don’t fuck them, then.
…Now we’re even. :smiley:

10

Recordings on the Phone: AF 6 : After all, I just hang up when the first words I hear are “Don’t hang up.”

I live in a section of town which isn’t DtD Saleman friendly. Liable to get shot here. I’m lucky there.

Spam: Generally, I don’t hand out my email addy to everyone. I use yahoo for most places I go. It’s easier to let them block it than for me to fiddle with it.

Junk Mail: Since we got the post office box, it’s easy to just stop at the counter, sort the mail, and dump all unwanted stuff in the garbage can. We ruined a family reunion for some family cause they got OUR post office box by mistake. We notified the Manager of the place, and started either returning mail or throwing it away. It’s stopped, so I’m assuming they guys behind the counter did their job.

Credit Cards are a different story. So, you claim that you’ll accept “anyone”, yet I know if I apply, you’ll turn me down in a heartbeat. Hello? Why are you bothering?

11

I’d thought about doing that, but they could call the cops on you.

I also thought about putting a “Homeowner has tuberculosis (contagious)” sign on the front door too, but didn’t want to scare away the Fed Ex guy.

Credit card offers: I used to mail back junk in their pre-paid return envelopes, but it got to be too much of a bother.

12

My new thing is to tell someone they’ve got the wrong number. Gets rid of them right quick.