I Hate Raccoons

Reprinted from my blog. I had to share with you.

The goddamned fucking bastard raccoons are back.

Raccoons have long been my archenemies. When we first moved to the Toronto area in 2000 I assumed I’d never have to deal with wildlife again, but boy, was I wrong. Raccoons are everywhere here; there are more raccoons in cities than in the woods. In our first apartment building our apartment faced the dumpsters, which wasn’t a problem with small (we were eight storeys up) but was a problem in that the dumpsters became a sort of raccoon dance club, where raccoons by the dozen would come to eat, screw, fight and generally raise hell all night. We temporarily solved this by moving to an apartment than was 35 storeys up, but then moved into a house and now I’ve been doing battle with them ever since.

For quite some time it was just that the little pricks got into our garbage and made a mess. Nothing would stop them. You know those garbage cans that have “secure” lids? I don’t know what they’re supposed to be secure from, but not raccoons. Nothing stops a raccoon. They’ll find ways to open anything. I tried twist ties and they figured out how to untie them. I was going to go to a combination lock but was afraid I’d come outside one night and find a raccoon with a stethoscope listening for tumblers.

Well, we have a garage to stow our garbage now so the raccoons have elected to drive me insane by invading my attic.

I have no idea how they get in. Our roof is new and I’ve examined every nook and cranny of the soffits and whatnot and I’m telling you there isn’t a gap up there a mouse could get through. There’s no sign of damage anywhere. When you hear them and you stick your head up into the attic the little shits vanish as if into thin air. But once the coast is clear they run around up there. A fifteen-pound raccoon in your attic SOUNDS like a black bear; it’s amazingly loud. For awhile they liked the area above my bed but now they seem to be nesting in the kitchen attic.

I tried one of those Hav-A Heart traps, baited with peanut butter just like the instructions said, and all I managed to catch was a bill for $70 for the trap.

So far the only effective counter to them was the Jones Raccoon Poking Device. Last year they decided to try to hang out in the “Vault” above our bathtub – you know, the part of the ceiling that’s lowered just in the area above the tub. The noise was amazing; it was as if full grown humans were frolicking up there. I’d finally had enough so I drilled holes in the drywall and fashioned the Jones Raccoon Poking Device by straightening out a wire coat hanger. Then I jabbed the little bastard until he ran away.

The JRPD was brilliant, but now that they’ve taken up residence in different, less pokable places I don’t know what to do. I can’t drill holes all over my ceiling. The trap was a bust, and despite what people tell you is no more humane than killing them, since transplanting a raccoon will usually kill them (they’re very territorial.) You can’t poison them or else you’ll have a smelly dead raccoon in your attic. I don’t have a gun, and anyway they always hide when I go up there. If I call the raccoon guy he’ll charge me an arm and a leg.

So I’m going to continue with my current tactic, which is to wait until I hear them and then repeatedly slam a book on the area they’re in to scare them, which often chases them off for periods of up to ninety seconds.

My great uncle used to have racoons down in Georgia. These things were the size of a bear cub, and twice as mean. They chewed through a corugated steel enclosure that he built to house his trash cans.

He beat them with whiskey. He started with an old fruit cake left over from Christmas, soaked it in whiskey and left it for them. Once they’d gotten a taste for it he just left it out in a bowl. Once they were good and hooked, they’d come out as soon as he showed up with the bowl in his hands. And once he was convinced that the whole tribe was present and snockered, he shot them all as they gazed blearily around wondering where the noise came from.

At least, that was the family legend. YMMV

If they kill voles, I’ll take a few off your hands.

You can try this stuff as have many of those who have come before you but I think this person has the best advice:

"A few last words of warning: if you find yourself in combat with a raccoon, don’t. They all have rabies. The last person who took one on was Ann Coulter and look what happened to her. Most importantly, raccoons fall under the category of You Think It Can’t Get Any Worse, but merciful heavens, that’s when this shows up at your door.


Scott’s advice is absolutely the best: if you suspect you have a raccoon in your attic, burn the house to the ground. You know, get the kids out, then burn it until nothing is left but cinders and traces of evil. Sprinkle salt around the foundation, and consider Scientology."


It is all true. I saw a raccoon splattered in the middle of the interstate this morning if it makes you feel any better. Suicide caused by the stress of being poked repeatedly I assume. If you focus on the raccoons, I will work on the deer. Raccoons are annoying and mean but they are very smart and have personality. Deer are cute but stupid and deadly. I am trying to start a Facebook group for Southern Rednecks to come up here to the Northeast one weekend and just wipe out that problem followed by the world’s biggest jerky making festival. I have friends with championship black and tan coon dogs too but “treeing” a coon in the middle of the night in Toronto may be worse than the problem itself. Those dogs don’t give up and neither do the coons.

Have you actually seen the one in your attic? I’m asking because it might be a hobo. As soon as it warms up Smash the State will move back out to his bridge.

They tore the hell out of my grandad’s attic and he had to get the city out to trap them, so when I was sitting on my patio one evening and saw a large coon scale my oak, walk a limb and deftly reach across to my roof I was quite concerned. The next day as I got home from work I look a few feet away from the door and there’s the coon in my wisteria arbor, again about to climb atop my house. I reached inside, got the can of Bear Protection Pepper Spray I had for intruders and gave the coon a blast right into his face. I have no idea how he negotiated his way across the arbor to the breezeway, over the garage to the fence, along the fence to the palm tree and climbed to the very top after being ‘assaulted with pepper’ but he did. He sat of there for 30 minutes sneezing, snorting and slingin’ snot all over the place. Then he left and, effectively, that was that.

I was able to get a racoon out from under the accelerator pedal of our car by putting a bowl containing a rag soaked in household ammonia in the passenger’s seat.


Wonder if you could convert one of these to pepper spray.

Go to you local sporting goods store and get a can of bear repellant and attach the mechanism from the first link.

That’s the exact type of can I used, although the label looks different. I’d been curious about what kind of physical distribution the spray would come out as. It’s much like that of a dry-type fire extinguisher. It comes out very fast, an expanding conical shape and is powdery in form. If you’re say 10 feet away it should expand to cover a circle around 2.5 to 3 feet wide at that point.

I’ve forwarded this suggestion to Toyota.

Just a note from personal experience.

The babies are cute. Really, really, cute. And then their mouths open up like Fizzgig and they bite you.

Whenever I tell about my battles with raccoons, there’s always a few friends who exclaim “But they’re so cute!” Humph!

By the way, I’ll admit here and now that I’ve always been too much of a chickenshit to stick my head up in the attic when I hear raccoons rooting around up there. I have this image of just getting my head through that dark attic opening, then realizing that I’m surrounded by the little bastards. shudder Shades of 1984.

As someone who knowingly harbors raccoons smaller, domesticated (which just means “doesn’t remove toes, normally”) cousins, I can vouch for the fact that this entire family tree is utterly and irrevocably evil. Some might try to lessen the sting by calling them “inquisitive”, but that just ain’t true. They know what they are doing and will maximize the troubles and headaches they cause you. It runs through the whole family.

Dang it, I have got to start keeping some spare underpants at work for these laugh-induced leakages!

And just for the record, when I met that raccoon in the woods last week, I hardly gave him any of the dog biscuits I had in my pocket. Only about three.

You need to find a certified Wildlife Pest Exterminator. It may be expensive but it sounds to me like it would be worth it.

Moved from pit to MPSIMS.

The racoon fared far worse. it bit a plug out of her and imemediately died from poisoning :smiley:

That could be the basis of the next Standard Drinking Song. get to work on it :smiley:

Forget it, RickJay. It’s Raccoon City.

A timely thread. I hate raccoons myself.

My story, complete with some minor illustrations.

I was staying with my Grandparents a few months ago and they were having problems with raccoons getting into the bird feeder. No problem, sez I, so I placed it on a tall PVC pipe, while the raccoons smugly watched. Fearless and cheeky, those bastards. Satisfied, I went back in the house, and watched one of them walk over there and shake the pipe to get food.

Raccoons 1 Morbo 0

Next sortie: I replaced the PVC pipe with a much heavier version, back inside I went. HAH! I mused, as they futilely tried the shaking trick. No dice. While I continued to snicker, I watched them form some sort of body pyramid, with the top racoon scooping bird seed onto the ground for all of them to enjoy.

Raccoons 2 Morbo 0

Next sortie: Fairly alarmed now. I’m a damn software engineer, ferchrissakes. New plan: ditch the PVC, and hang it between two large trees, wisely using a wire strong enough to prevent them from just climbing a tree and shaking the wire. Walked back inside and watched them absorb this new dilemma. They tried the pyramid - too tall for them. They tried shaking the wire - no dice. I went to bed, proud pf myself. I woke up to an empty bird feeder. Walked out there to fill it up, then back inside to see what happened. I shit you not - this is what I saw. Once positioned, Rick(coon) Wallenda hung from his back feet, and used his front feet to tilt the feeder and dump the birdseed onto the ground.

Raccoons 3 Morbo 0

Next sortie: Back to the PVC pipe. Covered it in axle grease. Watched the raccoons desperately try their tricks, all to no avail. I went home satisfied I had solved the problem. Gave them all the finger as I drove away.

Raccoons 3 Morbo 1

Later that day my Grandparents called and asked me how they should add seed to the feeder, since they’re too old to be climbing up and down a ladder and reaching over to a greasy pole.

Racoons 3 Morbo 0

I’m still working on my next move.