I have been defeated by squirrels

I like to feed the birds so I put a bird feeder on my deck (it’s out on a 3’ swing arm-keeps the mess off the deck). My house is on a hillside so if I put it on the ground I can’t see the birds.

The squirrels line up sometimes 6 deep for a chance to get the seeds. I shoo them off if I’m looking out the window and want to see the birds get some food. All in all a good enough arrangement.

After 2 years of this arrangement the squirrels have decided that they are unwilling to wait their turn and started chewing on the deck in an apparent effort to knock the feeder down. They chewed off a 1/4" by 5" section where the feeder is attached and have randomly chewed the railing in 10 other places. Now I have to repair the deck which I just re-stained.

Damn squirrels!

This sort of thing is exactly why Apple added those emojis a couple of months ago.


I haven’t seen them. Are they cross-hairs on a squirrel?

And my wife would divorce me if I shot the squirrels.

The two most talked about new emoji included with the latest iOS update were the hand with the middle finger extended (aka “flipping the bird”) and a squirrel; as they opined on VICE: New Emojis Coming to iOS 9.1 Will Finally Allow People to Tell Squirrels to Go Fuck Themselves.

What if you got a German Shepherd to shoot the squirrels for you?

Lol. I went down to the squirrel and squirrel squirrel squirrel.

The squirrels chow down a lot of my bird food too. I’ve finally decided to quit feeding the birds, less due to the squirrels (which are at least entertaining) but due to the pigeons. Dozens of the things are in my yard all the time, stuffing their fat beaks as fast as they can, and keeping the smaller birds from getting to the feeders.

My across-the-alley neighbor is an artist whose medium is metal. A little while ago he was telling me a story about a coworker of his who made a bird feeder with a trebuchet on it. Birds landing on the contraption wouldn’t trigger it but the squirrel would because of its weight and the critter would be hurled off the device and out of the yard. I would pay money to see a squirrel launching trebuchet in action.

I saw a youtube video of a “Shepard’s Crook” type bird feeder holder - covered with Vaseline ™. The squirrel which had been climbing the thing was quite fun to watch as it kept trying to climb, only to slide back down.

I imagine an air rifle would also be entertaining.

Note: both the Starling and the English Sparrow are invasive species. The sparrow has completely displaced the Purple Marten from its natural nesting places. Pigeons are always fair game.

A single-shot device would take care of the first squirrel - but another would be on it in a minute.

The world needs a semi-automatic air rifle.

Come on, gun enthusiasts, at least one of you should be able to solve this one - the CO2 cartridge provides the blast, all that is needed is the feed and trigger activation.

Would she get mad if you “borrowed” the colander from the kitchen?

So, we can put you down for a rifle or two?

Hell, who wouldn’t? If I had one, I’d spend whole weekends just drinking on my deck and watching the occasional squirrel getting catapulted.

A buck ten. Get an air rifle scope (NOT one for a regular rifle), sit off a piece, and plink at your leisure. Twelve rounds, semi-auto.

OTOH, I usually recommend a brace of fine terriers when squirrels are a problem.

THIS is still one of my favourite contraptions evah - I wouldn’t imagine it would be too hard to set up something like this for squirrels

(opens to a youtube video)

Saw this on-line just yesterday: Squirrels: America’s tiny menace – A 25-picture slide show of squirrels being a nuisance.

(Well, actually, the captions all describe squirrels being a nuisance. Some of the photos show what the captions describe, and some other photos just seem to show cute squirrels being cute. Many of the pics show squirrels interrupting a baseball game or other athletic events.)

Two of the slides show squirrels vs. snakes – with the squirrel winning and eating the snake!

(What’s this world coming to when Boris and Natasha are the good guys?)

Decades ago my parents had a running battle with squirrels in a woodsy area of NH. It began with a simple bird feeder, filled with tasty bird seed, on a pole.

The squirrels quickly learned to scamper up the pole and feast on the bird seed at the top, so my parents greased the pole. This provided temporary hilarity, as the squirrels tried to run up the pole and skidded greasily back down. But, as the squirrels quickly realized, each slither and slide removed a bit of the grease, and after a few tries, the pole wasn’t so greasy anymore and the squirrels could climb up it again.

As a next strategy, my parents hung the bird feeder on fishing wire strung between two trees.

This worked for a while, but the squirrels learned to do tightrope acts, carefully balancing themselves on the wire as they inched carefully toward the bird feeder. The occasional fall was nothing to them; they just picked themselves up and tried again.

My parents then threaded two LP records* through the wire on either side of the bird feeder, so that the trapeze artist squirrels would run into a barrier between them and the birdseed when they arrived at the food receptacle. This worked for a while, but then the squirrels figured out that they could kamikaze dive from the tree branches above and, if they aimed well, land on the bird feeder right between the two LPs.

At that point my parents decided the squirrels could have the damn birdseed.
*these things, for you young’uns out there

any time you’re dealing with squirrels, you have to be aware of squirrel hygiene issues, as explained by the Piper Cub to me earlier this fall: Wherein Piper Cub explains squirrel hygiene to me

Bird feeders with wire cages surrounding the feeder/perches work well (birds easily get through the meshwork, squirrels can’t).

The bushy-tailed rats also can’t get at suet suspended in a similar container.

They still do a fair business cleaning up seed that falls to the ground.