I’ve been a bachelor for the last couple of months after an excrutiatingly painful(for me anyways) breakup with my fiancee. After the first few weeks, some of the pain wore off and I noticed that I was free to do as I wished. Well, there must be some sort of signal that I started putting off because as soon as I realized this women started talking to me in droves anytime I went to the restaurants or bars. I met a lot of very pretty women and even went out with a few and had a very good time.
Last week I was at my favorite little bar and grill with my daughter having dinner. As I was eating I noticed this woman looking in my direction. I kind of dismissed it, finished my meal and ordered a beer for myself and a Dr. Pepper for the love of my life(she’s only 6 but can’t get enough of that stuff). Anyways this woman walked over and introduced herself to me and asked if she could sit down and join us, I said ‘sure’ and she sat down.
—time passes and we’ve gone to dinner and a movie or two, kissed when we’ve been drunk…etc…she’s even slept over at my place…just crashed while watching DVD’s—
Now, she has a beautiful body, a great personality and seems to really enjoy hanging out with myself and my kid…but, (and here’s where you guys will probably skewer me) she’s not really pretty to me. I really like hanging out with her, but…I think she thinks we’re developing a commited relationship and I’m not ready for that kind of deal yet(if ever again)…it’s only been a couple of months of freedom for me and I don’t think I’ll get over the fact that I’m not entirely attracted to her. Do I tell her how I feel? Do I let her know why I feel that way? Do I just run to the woods and hide? I don’t really want to hurt the feelings of anyone especially someone I really think is neat to hang out with.
Is it really about her appearance, or is it just that you’re happy with her as a friend rather than something more? If you were in a relationship and met this woman, would you want to be friends with her? Or would you have avoided contact with her under any circumstance?
If you really think she’s expecting something more from you, now is the time to let her know that you’re not looking for your “happily ever after.” Certainly that’s understandable after breaking up with your fiancee. She may decide she wants more than you have to offer. Or not. Either way, it would be classless to just run and hide.
It’s okay not to be attracted to someone, even if you wanted to be. But do tell her now before she gets in too deep - just let her know it’s a bit soon after your break-up for you and you’re not ready for a committed relationship at the moment. Make it about you rather than her.
Thanks FairyChatMom and Francesca. You guys are right. I’m not good at the 'ol talk thing sometimes. I hate to hurt people’s feelings…I’ll do it though.
I’d want to be friends with her if I were in a relationship. Like I said, she’s real neat to be around…easygoing, relaxed, likes football and drinking a few beers. But, I think you nailed it, I’m just happy with her as a friend.
If you have the choice (and it sounds like you do), I’d go with “I’m just not ready for a serious relationship now” over “I don’t find you attractive.”
The former she’ll get over; the latter she’ll remember the rest of her life.
A few years ago, I met a woman through mutual friends. She made it clear right away that she was very attracted to me. She was (and still is) a wonderful person; smart, funny, well-read, and just generally a pleasure to be around. Lots of fun. The problem was, I just wasn’t attracted to her at all. I, like you, was feeling pretty shallow about it. Looks aren’t supposed to be that important, right? Beauty is only skindeep, and all that. I figured, if I started to fall for her, I would become more and more attracted to her. So we started dating. And I think we can all see where this is heading, right? There was no passion in the relationship, because I had no passion for her. It wasn’t fair to her. And it really hurt her when I finally did break it off. Luckilly, our friendship managed to survive.
Yes, looks aren’t everything. There have been women in my past who I wasn’t attracted to at first, but grew to be more and more physically attracted to the more I got to know them. And it’s happened in reverse; women I thought were beautiful when I met them, but as my opinion of them went down, so did my opinion of their beauty.
Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can’t force this. Try to remain friends with her, if possible. You never know what might happen to your feelings down the line. But definitely let her know that you’re not ready for a relationship now. The longer you put it off, the harder it’s going to be on her. Trust me, I’ve been there.
You’re right, definately right. If I wasn’t such a puss about these kind of things it’d be so easy. I’m an empathatic kind of person and can feel the hurt of hurting other people. Most of the time I just wimp out and don’t do anything. I know what I have to do…it’s doing it that’s the hard part. Maybe a few shots of tequila will help?
I’m not going to “skewer” you for not being attracted to her. I understand exactly how you feel. I broke up with my last boyfriend because I wasn’t feeling the attraction. I tried to force it for awhile, but it just wasn’t there. You can’t make it happen, so tell her that at this point in your life, you aren’t ready for a committment. However, understand that she might take this as a cue to date other people. I (another life story) told a guy this a couple of weeks ago, and he is now dating another girl. Think carefully about whether it would bother you to see her with another guy.
I don't mean to sound crass at all but it wouldn't bother me in the least bit. I'm really not ready at all to be commited to anyone and I don't think it'd be fair for me to expect someone else to be to me at this point. Losing the friendship is what matters to me at this point.
In my experience, it’s not that hard to steer relationships into the “friend” zone. God knows enough of my relationships with girls have ended up there whether I wanted them too or not.
If she’s too “romantic” (light touches, sober kisses, etc.), you may have to have the talk. Otherwise, enough friend type banter/interaction may be enough to get the point across.
So, I’m guessing that this isn’t the woman whose number you lost?
Nope, this isn’t the one. I’ve yet to see her again. But it’s experiences like that which make me want to be ‘single’ for a while. The feeling of being knocked senseless by a beautiful woman is an awesome one that I don’t want to give up(even if the flirting never comes to fruition).
I had **'The Talk'** with the woman in question last night. As it turns out....I'm a jerk and had forgotten that when we first met I had mentioned that I'm not in the state of mind for a commited relationship(I was a bit tipsy at the time, forgive me). That's a big part of the reason we're hanging out, she's not ready either. She's enjoying the time that we do spend together and really digs the fact that there aren't any strings attached. The last boyfriend she had was a caveman, he didn't 'let' her do anything....told her how to dress....she couldn't have guy friends....basically she lived like a slave to him. She finally got out of that and is enjoying her freedom, as I am enjoying mine.
I’m so goddarn releaved…it’s a huuuuge weight off of my chest. We’ll still hang out(like I said before she’s one of the coolest people I’ve ever met), have a good time and just be who we want to be. That’s the life for me, no judgements, no worries…but good friends all around.
Thanks for the advice all, it really helped me get my nerve up and it was well worth it.
