I Just Bought My First Home!! and an Update on Mom

On preview, this is really much longer than I had intended. Long story short, I’m buying my first home, we’re getting Mom some help, and my sister hates me.

For those of you with some time on your hands, here’s the fleshed out version:

Well folks, IT finally happened. This morning my fiance and I accepted an offer on a nearly new double wide mobile home. The current owners are signing papers today, we’ll sign papers tomorrow, then we’ll make settlement on Sept 14.

I can’t say it enough – WOO HOO!!!

Here’s a linky with some pics. I’ll have some more later on this week once I go in again for the inspection.

It has three bedrooms, two full baths (the master bath has a jacuzzi size bathtub :D), a huge kitchen, living room, and dining room. It has far more space than many of the houses we’ve looked at for around $100,000 less. Now of course there’s the downside of having to pay lot rent, depreciation, and all, but all that is offset by the fact that it’s MINE!! A place to call my very own (well mine and DoperGuy’s, of course).

Now for any of you who followed this thread, you know just how big this is for me. To make a long story short, living at home with Mom has become a nightmare.

Mom is actually in the hospital now with an infection in her leg. We were forced to call an ambulance to take her in as she was too big to fit in my car. :eek: She is being well taken care of there as it’s a great hospital. We’re still working on getting her into a facility that caters to the obese (the hospital bed has her weight at over 550 lbs :eek: :eek:). This is actually being made easier by the fact that she’s already in a facility that can vouch for just how ill she is and how important it is to get her help. In the time she was home from the nursing home (about 2-3 months) she gained over 40 pounds!! Clearly, this was not working.

Mom is upset about everything that is going on. She doesn’t want me to leave her, but she accepts it. She also doesn’t want to be “put away in the fat farm” - her words, but we’re working on getting her to accept that as well. All in all, it’s the best I could hope for with her right now.

As for my little sis, that’s a whole other story. She found out about the trailer from Mom before I had the chance to tell her. DoperSis then called me up fuming. The convo went something like this:

DoperSis: How DARE you do this to Mom. How could you abandon her when she needs you so much right now. She’s not going to be around too much longer and she needs you.

DoperChic: First of all, I am not abandoning anyone, simply moving out on my own, something that is perfectly normal for a 24 year old to do. After all, I’m getting married in June and I would be basically forced to move out then anyway. There’s no way I’d force DoperGuy into living with us in that tiny apartment.

DS: Well you should put off getting married then too. There’s no reason for you to run off an do it now. He’ll still be around for the rest of your life, Mom won’t.

DC: There’s no reason for me to put my life on hold for Mom. She chose to live her life this way. I didn’t choose it for her, and neither did you. We didn’t force her to lay in bed for 10 years and we didn’t force her to eat as much as she did.

DS: I don’t care. She’s still your mother and you should be there for her. I just can’t believe you could do this. You’re abandoning her just like the rest of the family did. So this means that you no longer have any say in her care and I’ll just take care of everything. I’m getting her gastric bypass and I’ll deal with everything.

DC: She’d die on the table and you know it.

DS: Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with it then.

This back and forth went on for another 10 minutes or so until I just had it and ended the conversation.

I really hope to patch things up with my sister. We used to be so close and I really really miss that. I’d give up anything just to have that relationship back. She’s not talking to me now, but I think that’s for the best right now. I’ll give it a few days and try to talk to her.

One happy situation trumped by a sad and frustrating one. Thus is the story of my life…

“DS: I don’t care. She’s still your mother and you should be there for her. I just can’t believe you could do this. You’re abandoning her just like the rest of the family did. So this means that you no longer have any say in her care and I’ll just take care of everything. I’m getting her gastric bypass and I’ll deal with everything.”


Not that you seem to be unaware, but you are doing the right thing for you (which is what’s most important) and mom. Good luck.

Congrats on the home. May you enjoy it for many years. You’re doing the right thing by your mom. I believe sis knows this too but is having a hard time coming to terms with it. You’re getting married and the two of you have to start your own lives together. You are doing what is best for mom, you and your fiance DoperChic. We’re behind ya.

Not that you need my validation to believe it but (and without knowing anything about DoperGuy beyond the obvious (he’s a guy who like you enough to want to buy a house/trailer with you and marry you)) this is probably not true:

I am expressing no opinion on whether you should get married now or not. And if he’s a good guy, he’d be willing to wait for you a while. But if you put him too far down your priority list–too much below your mother and her troubles, he probably won’t be around forever.

Certainly you should not abandon your mother and your sister, but it doesn’t sound like you are doing so. And you will be better able to provide emotional support if you are emotionally healthy yourself–which yes, includes moving out at some point.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister’s reaction has something to do with fearing that you will be abandoning her as well as your mother. It might also have something to do with guilty feelings on her part, and probably some fear of change. Give her a chance to calm down and promise to be there for her, and hopefully things will work out.

And congratulations on both the new home and the efforts to get your mother some help.

Congrats. Having read your other thread, I’m truly glad to hear that you’re making such a forward move in your life.

I’ve heard of too many cases where no, this doesn’t happen - the ailing parent hangs on for decades and the partner becomes frustrated. A good friend of mine is 36, married, pregnant, and still caring for her semi-invalid father; she’d been caring for her parents (her mother was diabetic and needed kidney dialysis, but died several years ago) practically since she was in grade school. I think guilt is keeping her from looking into any sort of community for the elderly for him, even though he lives alone in his house a few miles from her, and has been declining in health lately - losing bladder control, falling, etc. (I also suspect her father refuses to consider something like that since he’s a serious alcoholic and that wouldn’t be enabled there.)

You’re not abandoning your mom. If your sister cared so much she should have been there to wipe up your mom’s accidents day after night.

Where does your sister live? Does she live with you and your mom?

My sis lives with us. She’s not around quite as much as I am though due to her job. She does the best she can physically and mentally. I don’t lay any blame of my sis for the mess we’re in. I think she truly does believe that she’s on her own with Mom now and that we are all actually abandoning them.

Ah, ok - I thought you were in the situation where you were the only one. Your sister might think you’re abandoning the whole situation rather than just dealing with it in a more healthy fashion - for your mother and your whole family. Hopefully she’ll see with time that isn’t the case.

And yes, you deserve to have your own life.