You’ve done absolutely the right thing. You can’t keep living on edge, waiting for the next drama and poison eruption from your mother. You’ve been through far too much already – it’s time to protect yourself and your own. As was wisely said above, you didn’t break her and you can’t fix her. You can only try to pursue peace in your own life. I wish you that peace; you deserve it.
Good on you, Olives {{{HUGS}}}.
Good for you. That wasn’t a mother-daughter relationship, that was a hostage situation.
Yes, she is mentally ill. She is also intelligent enough to understand people well enough to manipulate them, and thus intelligent enough to understand when people are telling her that she needs help. I know you’ve mentioned that she’s surely acting out of deeply-ingrained terror and other maladaptive feelings, but there comes a certain point where you have to realize that you don’t deserve to be treated poorly, and where she will never have any impetus to seek treatment if she can still make everything revolve around her.
Please be strong. You did not cause this, and you cannot solve it.
You’re at where I was 30 years ago. My siblings feel obligated to maintain contact, since she is our mother. Each time, they wonder why they bother. It doesn’t seem to be worth the aggravation, but they periodically subject themselves to more of her behavior. I hear enough to know I made the right decision.
God for you olive! You did what you needed to do to save your own psyche.
I cut off almost my entire family due to their utter toxicity, and they are nowhere near as volatile as your mother. You did the right thing.
Well done Olives. I always enjoy your thoughtful and well balanced posts, in spite this issue churning away in the background. Someone once said to me - if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother. Stay strong.
Long overdue. Good job.
Good job, I’m glad you’re able to stop your suffering. It’s not fair for both of you to continue suffering.
And you are absolutely right that you have to protect your future kids. Absolutely.
Very sorry to hear about your problems, I hope this serves as a wake-up call for your mother and she seeks proper care.
This sums up my thoughts pretty well.
I’ll also say I suspect you’ll come to some moments when you feel bad about this, or responsible for her, or like it’s not really as bad as you thought, and that you ought to reconnect with her. I would say try to consider that that may just be a part of your grief and mourning, not an actual reason to contact her again.
BRAVA!!
I have a sister I haven’t spoken a word to in 4 years because I finally, finally, had enough of her toxic behavior making me, and everyone in her vicinity, miserable. she was unbelievably self-centered, selfish, intolerant, rude, hateful, pathologically lying, foul-mouthed, mean, and just plain ugly. It was one thing to put up with it when I was single, but once I got married, I had more than just my own feelings to consider. My sweet-natured husband has raised his voice in anger exactly once in the 10+ years I’ve known him, and it was at my sister. If I never speak to her again for the rest of my life, I couldn’t care less. I didn’t even bother to tell her I was done with her, I just extricated her from my life and moved on. Good riddance.
And while my mother was never anywhere near as bad as yours was (in fact, she was a great mother until I hit my twenties, then BAM!, Mrs. Hyde took over), I would be lying if I tried to deny that I’m actually glad she’s dead. Not because I was happy that she died – that was horrific and tragic. But I know as sure as I know my name, that if she were still alive, if I wanted to have a shred of hope that I’d have the incredible life that I do now, I’d have had to do what you’re doing right now, and shut her out completely. I know without a single doubt that everything I’ve done and every choice I’ve made in the last 23 years, she would have made certain I knew she disapproved of. It is unbelievably freeing to know that I am living my own life the way I want to live it, without anyone telling me everything I’m doing wrong.
So take it from someone who has had the luxury of time to know the positive outcome of exorcising bad people from your life, you may be anxious now, but you will never, ever, ever regret it and you will be happier than your wildest imagination. The sky’s the limit for you now! Go take on the world!
When I saw the thread title, I just said “good.” You are doing the right thing. Hang Tough!
I disconnected from my BPD sister years ago and it was absolutely the right decision for me. I’m so glad you have decided to put your own needs first, this is a really important step for anyone who grew up with this kind of scary drama. Good for you!
What was odd and amazing about the experience was that when she finally understood that I really-no really wasn’t ever going to deal with another insane moment of hers she…vanished. She didn’t try to manipulate me back into her orbit or start the guilt campaign that I had been fearing, she just moved on to more willing victims.
It’s lovely on this side Olives, welcome 
So many posts in this thread just make me want to quote and say “Ditto”
It’s a hard thing to do, and it will be hard at moments in the future to stay the course but it’s not even close to what you’ve been dealing with all this time.
Congratulations on taking the step and when you need support we’re always here to listen.
After 11 years of a toxic marriage behind me, I can say that feeling of freedom is rewarding, yet scary. Like this big weight’s been lifted off, but then you think… now what? I’ll tell you what! Enjoy life! woo hoo! The guilt of it all will come and go, but it’s important to let it pass.
missed the edit window but I wanted to add this:
Getting no response at all from her was actually quite upsetting for me because it felt like proof that she hadn’t ever really “needed” me, all those years she’d just seen me as an easy mark for her tirades and nonsense. Keep in mind that you may not get any response, at some point you may have to let go and stop waiting for one and make the break without any closure at all.
Whatever happens please be kind to yourself while you’re gaining back your strength.
((((((((((((((((Olives))))))))))))))))))))
Good on you. I’ve just disconnected from my mom (with love - I don’t get involved, but I politely listen). The only reason I’m able to do this is I live 7000 miles away.
It’s hard work. I’m sorry you’ve had to do this, but I’m totally sure you can make it through.
I am so, so sorry. That sounds awful. I wish you the best. <3
I did something like that with my mother (and she isn’t prone to fits of rage) and I’ll be honest. I’m twenty six years old and sometimes I want ‘my mommy’. But then I realize that I don’t want my mother. I want a better one, one that doesn’t exist.
So my sincerest thoughts are with you. Realizing that your mother isn’t going to act like it - ever - is very hard and I’m sure you feel a little orphaned atm.
best-
joyann