Wow - unanimous agreement on The Dope. It must truly be a sign from the heavens. Thanks for all your support and insight - I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
This experience has been quite the revelation for me, not only with regard to Mom’s behavior but with my own. It’s been hard facing those little parts of me that have been afraid to grow up - I want my Mommy, I want to be the good girl - but it’s also been liberating to realize the ways she reinforced those feelings and how unhealthy they really are for me.
As I was telling someone via PM, this is a time of major transition in my life. I just graduated with my MSW and will be starting my professional career soon. We are going to move by the end of next month closer to my husband’s university. I am going to start a new rather intensive treatment for depression (transcranial magnetic stimulation… brain zaps 5x a week for 4-6 weeks) and it could have a radical affect on my mental health, for the better. Then there will be moving again, and children… the further we get into the future the less it makes sense to endure this relationship. it just feels like the right time to let go of the old and burdensome and embrace the new and empowering.
Go ahead, I’m sure I stole it from somewhere myself. You could probably turn half the sentences in this thread into decent affirmations without much effort, I think.
Absolutely brilliant bit of self-analysis there, my dear. Of course you liked it. Who wouldn’t? You get sympathy and admiration and validation for your frustration, all wrapped up with a pretty little bow on it. But you know what? Being at peace and knowing you and your family are safe and dramafree feels even better. Not as exciting, though. You may, perversely, find you miss the drama sometimes. I’d suggest finding other accomplishments to be patted on the head for and creating healthy excitement in your life to replace it. Prepare yourself to be awesome in other ways so you don’t crave and recreate the pattern, okay? I know you can, 'cause you *are *awesome in so many more ways than being a martyr. {{{olives}}}
Olives, you absolutely did the right thing. I was in a similar situation as Shayna and ended my relationship with my sister, who also had borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, and I too am going to steal Ferret Herder’s “hostage situation” comment for those few remaining idiots who think it’s “such a shame” that I didn’t have a better relationship with my sister before she drank herself to death. No, it was such a shame that she was so self-destructive and alienating that none of her family would have anything to do with her – and I hope your mother decides that treatment is the better alternative. Because it is possible, and it can work. You deserve a healthy relationship with your family. Olives, you rock, and Sr. Olives rocks too.
Olives, I’ll add my voice to the support. You did the right thing. I’ve ended contact with relatives for far less. You are a saint for putting up with as much as you did. You are a good person for seeing your limit and sticking to it. You did everything you could to salvage your relationship with your mother. She did exactly zero to salvage her relationship with you. You have to protect yourself, and your husband. With kids coming into the mix, you are one zillion percent correct that this dangerous person must be out of your life, even if she is a relative. Especially if she is a relative.
I know this was a very hard decision for you, but in my experience it’s the hard decisions that matter, that we look back on with pride.
For what it’s worth, I’d like to add my support for the decision you had to make. It’s time for you and the Sr. to have some “us” time. You’ve hung in there much longer than I would have!
Just popping in to say what everyone else has said…good for you. I know it’s hard.
Think about what moejoe said about getting no response. You might be frustrated for a while waiting for the other shoe to drop. Have a plan to move on even if there is no closure drama.
And in my 10+ years mostly lurking on the SDMB I can’t remember a time when anyone was so universally agreed with. It is a sure sign of the rightness of your actions.
I’ve heard/read about this, but you are the first I know in ‘real life’ that is doing it. I am very interested in your opinion and thoughts and, naturally, your outcome.
Thanks everyone so much for the continued support. Whew, it’s been quite a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve had a lot of sadness, I guess because doing this forces me to accept what I never had and probably won’t ever have. I’ve been able to stay in touch with the grief without feeling too sorry for myself - but it’s interesting, I have been a little sad for her, but mostly sad for me. And I haven’t cried yet. I’m not sure if I will.
Then on the flipside this decision seems to have energized me to let go of all the crap that has been holding me down - both metaphorically and literally. I’ve decided to get rid of a bunch of stuff in my house that I’m tired of hauling around every time we move - including my philosophy and Spanish books, things that I’ve always considered an extension of my identity but just sit there unused for the most part. That’s a pretty radical decision for me, the book-hoarder, but I feel like I don’t need those to validate my identity any more than I need Mom to remind me who I am/where I came from. I’m beginning to feel the liberation of this decision and I imagine that feeling will only grow with time. I feel like I’m clearing away clutter to make space for the stuff I actually want.
Today she will most likely receive the letter, so I’m nervous, but I’m also hundreds of miles away, so that helps temper the anxiety. Good things will come of this, even if it’s hard at first.
Thanks for all your support and insight - I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
Of course you liked it. Who wouldn’t? You get sympathy and admiration and validation for your frustration, all wrapped up with a pretty little bow on it. But you know what? Being at peace and knowing you and your family are safe and dramafree feels even better. Not as exciting, though. You may, perversely, find you miss the drama sometimes. I’d suggest finding other accomplishments to be patted on the head for and creating healthy excitement in your life to replace it. Prepare yourself to be awesome in other ways so you don’t crave and recreate the pattern, okay? I know you can, 'cause you *are *awesome in so many more ways than being a martyr. {{{olives}}}