+1 to what everyone else has said, and also: hey, good luck with the move! 
Like others, my reaction to the thread title was, “Whew!”
I’m so proud of you, and am very inspired by this. I wish you the best of luck with everything, even though I know you won’t need it.
I just saw this thread. OMG, Olives, just when I think I cannot possibly be any more amazed by you - I am.
I know exactly how hard this decision was for you to come to, how long a journey it’s been, and how heartbreaking this choice must have been. Let me add my voice to the choir of ‘you did the right thing’ singers!
I have a few suggestions for you, if you don’t mind. In all that you wrote, this:
Really stands out. You need to work on recognizing you are forming an unreasonable expectation there. She’s not capable of that, and you’re wrong to think you can control her. Small thing, I know, but important, none the less.
When the phone call comes, (and it’s coming, and it may be ugly, tearful, begging), you need someone there to remind you that ‘you are not her/them’. This was enormously useful for me when it was my time. I’d moved to another city removed myself from the whole dysfunctional lot, but they had phones and still knew how to hit my buttons. My husband got extremely frustrated watching them destroy my calm, making me feel insecure and uncertain, guilty, whatever. Instead of getting mad, (he’s a smart man!), he took to reminding me, ‘you’re not them!’. Somehow it was very calming and reassuring for me, I would walk around, calming myself down by repeating it to myself, “He’s right, I’m not them, I’m elbows!”
Another thing which I found extremely helpful, (though I know how very silly it sounds!), was to get an old black and white photo of your Mom, from when she was young, before you knew her, she should be happy and smiling. Enlarge, mat, frame, display prominently, respectfully. All that love, you have for her, that now has no place to go, gets deposited here. You’ll have an ongoing object lesson that she was once young, happy, full of potential. You’ll find it easier to love her, separate and apart from any of her past or ongoing, actions. Better still, it should remind you always, that you are, (that we all are), just raw material. I realize it sounds silly and insignificant, I did it with both my parents and I am convinced it helped me to a better place. And, ultimately, it helped me forgive them for what they became, which made it easier to forgive myself, for not being able to make it work, with them, in relationship.
This is important too, whenever your next physical encounter is, (at a funeral, a tea, a party, whatever it is), don’t go into it without a detailed exit strategy that can be activated on an instant. This woman is unlikely to give up her power over you without a fight. She has a lot of weapons, she will be open and conciliatory on the surface, but she’ll get to those big guns, believe me. And when she does, be fully prepared to turn on your heals, without explanation and leave. Yes, your heart will race, but you’ll only need to do it once, I promise, for you soul to understand that, in future you’ll be protecting it stalwartly. This experience, and I honestly don’t think you can avoid it, will change you forever. Your heart and soul, will swell and soar in ways you have never imagined, because they are finally safe, know it, and can count on it.
Olives, I think you are an remarkable, awesome and loving woman, and as accomplished as you already are, I can’t wait to see where life takes you once you fully free yourself from this prison.
Congratulations again on making a very difficult choice, for the well being of yourself, your husband, your future children!
You rock baby!
Best typo ever. Very appropriate!
And lots of good advice in your post. 
Good for you. You don’t need to play a role in any of her dramas any longer. You don’t need to answer phone calls or read letters or read emails or any of that stuff. You can respond to anything that comes from her with something very neutral, and then just change the subject or end the conversation. Or just not respond at all. Just let your relationship with her grow more distant until it’s tolerable for you.
You’ve sent the letter that (I assume) said all that you thought needed to be said. My concern now would be that she is going to respond with strong emotions, and you’ll get drawn back into defending yourself and your position, arguing with her over this, etc. It might seem heartless to not respond to her any more, but I think that’s what you need to do to stop getting sucked back in.
Y’know I previewed too!:o Good catch!
And you’re right, it is appropriate, I’m glad I missed it!
Thanks for all the great feedback and support, elbows! To be clear about this, I know it’s probably not a reasonable expectation. I’m not trying to control her so much as make it clear what I expect out of my relationships. In my other relationships, we have the mutual freedom to call each other on our own B.S. - honest feedback is to me one of the greatest benefits of relationships in general. I think if someone you love is self-destructing, you should have the freedom to tell them that and help them through the process of recovery. My Mom has been unreceptive to any feedback on her own behavior and unwilling to help herself. I am 99% certain she is not capable of having that kind of relationship, and that is tragic, but I’ve spent my entire life settling for what I could get from her and it’s not enough for me any more. I’m not settling anymore. I’m moving on. If she wants to move with me, fine, but I’m not holding my breath.
I hope that makes some sense.
And since you mentioned it - I do have a sort of game plan for what to do if she tries to engage me. I’m having Dom screen any calls she makes and have decided even if she does go the extreme of suicide attempt, I’m not going to engage her. That would be hard but I know running back to her after doing something like that would only reinforce the behavior. If she tries to argue, defend, guilt trip or whatever, I’m not going to engage. I’m just not going to respond. She knows what I’m asking, it couldn’t be more clear - it is, in fact, the most straightforward letter I think I’ve ever written. She’s not going to control me. If she tries to control other people in my family, force them to choose between us, fine, let them choose. I’ll let them go too and not take their decision personally. I’m not saying I’ll bear the consequences of this with complete stoicism, but I think I’ve accepted that whatever the consequences are, they will be worth the peace of mind. I’m stepping off the hamster wheel, disembarking from the crazy train, spitting out the Kool-Aid, moving on!
I adore this line!
Did I mention you rock?
Yay!
When I logged in, the thread was listed with olives as “last poster”, and I thought “has olives done it or is it someone else?”
Now if I can give myself permission to do it… (
self).
Wow, this guy is great!
[QUOTE=How to Deal with Crappy People]
- Completely ignore them.
- Don’t think about them.
- Don’t talk to them.
- Don’t write them.
- Most important: Don’t give them advice. They will NEVER listen to your advice. It’s arrogant and stupid to think they will. It will only lead to more cycles of pain for you. The goal for me is to stop all cycles that cause me any pain at all. Giving advice to crappy people will only result in more pain for you. That’s the only possible result. Much better to be happy than to flush knotted up brown advice down a toilet that caused you agony to push out. This is hard.
- Most important: Never gossip about them behind their backs. Just completely disregard. We don’t care about their happiness or how evil they are. We only care about you. Its hard to do. Never ever talk about them behind their backs. Repeat this 500 times. This is hard also. Because it’s an addiction.
[/QUOTE]
Between this and It’s Your Fault, I might have to buy his book.
Hugs to you Olives. We’re thinking of you.
My Mom got the letter today. It wasn’t my plan but we did end up speaking on the phone. We talked about 2 hours. It was a perfectly civil, rational and loving conversation and I got a lot off of my chest. She took it all in and said she understood and could not blame me for feeling that way. She knows she is sick and is getting help. She even understood my point about future children. I stuck to my guns and told her I need time on my own, and she respected that too. At least we are separating on good terms.
I have hope for something healthy for us in the future, but right now I need some mental space to sort through all this. And I know we have no hope of continuing a relationship until I am absolutely certain what I want and will or will not accept, and willing to stand up for myself. This situation is just as much on my head as it is on hers, and until I confront the ways I’ve allowed it to get to this point and allowed my own feelings and needs to get stomped all over, this is just going to go on and on in an endless cycle. I need to grow up once and for all. And right now I need the space to do that.
Now on to the rest of my life.
I’m so glad you like his columns! He not only has great insight, but he tells it like it is. I also loved Plug All of Your Leaks Or You Will Die.
Thanks for bringing this fellow to my attention Shayna, I’ve never heard of him before but am really enjoying it!
Olives: This can’t have been easy for you, but I’m very glad you’re taking the big step of getting out from under her shadow. There is a real world out there & you’ve demonstrated you deserve to live out here with the rest of us.
Stick to your guns; there will eventually come a backlash from her and also pangs of guilt from yourself. Not to mention well-intentioned but utterly clueless friends, relatives, and neighbors weighing in with baggage-driven nonsense of their own.
You go girl!!
You’re welcome! I only just stumbled on him last week, myself, and am already putting many of his recommendations into practice.
I liked the advice about Crappy People.
I’ve already been doing a lot of the things he recommends - he does have some good advice. I am going to pass this link along to some folks who could use it.
Peace to you, Olives. I’m glad you had some closure, too. HUG