33 Wasted Years in a Broken Relationship (Long, Delicious Drama)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Yes, you told me so. Most recently In two thousand fucking eleven.

This is my Mom. (Who was ultimately diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, as I suspected she had when I wrote this in 2009.) That link doesn’t even get into all the molesting she allowed to happen to me, but it’s sufficient I think for the purposes of explaining how difficult she is. She did finally see a therapist for two whole years so hanging out with her is now a nonstop litany of advice on overcoming trauma and hardship by establishing true boundaries and putting yourself first (which is totally a thing she needs to learn to do, obvs.) :dubious: She is ‘‘moving on’’ now, which translates to, ‘‘I don’t want to hear about how shitty I made your childhood.’’ For her own healing. Because otherwise she has nightmares.

We – Dopers, friends – have had this conversation over and over and over again, and it always goes like this. ''My Mom’s been through a lot, see. People don’t see her for who she really is. She’s trying really hard to change. She’s made a lot of positive changes. We’ve moved on. Things are supportive and good. I don’t want to throw away the whole relationship just because she still struggles with things and occasionally treats me like absolute shit…"

And Dopers are all like, “Hey, Spice, ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?”

And I’m like, ‘‘But ya’ll don’t understand, she’s been through so much…’’

white noise

You know, I’m not a stupid person, generally. But for some reason when it comes to my mother I am just extraordinarily thick. I like to dress it up by saying ‘‘forgiving’’ and ‘‘compassionate’’ but really it’s just stupidity. And maybe desperation since she is after all the only mother I’ve got and I really, really, REALLY wanted to make this work.

So. Just to catch you up to speed on my current life situation, in March my shit was totally flipped upside down by three grand mal seizures and a surprise diagnosis of epilepsy. My brain is still recovering and adjusting to meds, I had to quit a major antidepressant that had been helping me significantly due to the increased risk of seizures, and my neurons went fucking haywire. Every single fucking mental problem I have ever had returned with a vengeance. Suicidal depression, crippling anxiety, PTSD worse than I’ve had it in over a decade. Waking up screaming, disoriented, trying just to get back to work and do my fucking job which involves a lot of writing and writing is HARD right now. Total social isolation due to inability to drive, husband gone all day, house falling apart, feeling less than useless… it’s been tough. Steadily improving, but tough.

My mother knows all of this. We chat on Facebook a lot. No drama in our relationship as long as I don’t bring up the past, then she tends to flip her shit, so I just tend to tiptoe around that subject. But she checked in with me a lot over the last month to see how i was doing so she knew I was basically writhing in the seventh circle of hell at the time this all went down.

So Thursday night she posts on Facebook some ignorant-ass bullshit that some would argue was political and I would argue was human-rights related. I’m not even going to tell you what it was about because it was irrelevant. The point is, I was so horrified by the sheer ignorance of what she wrote that I felt physically ill. But my Mom has recently proven to be receptive to reasonable attempts to explain different POVs, so I got my shit together and I wrote a long, eloquent, respectful response with factual citations explaining why I thought she was misunderstanding the situation. (Ok, fine, it was the fucking Target response to trans bathroom policy. She was convinced it gave straight pervs the green light to go on public restroom raping sprees.)

She responds to me – her recently suicidal daughter – by deleting everything I wrote, unfriending me, and sending me a message that said,

[QUOTE=Mom]
Next time you disrespect my need to feel safe I will block you.
[/QUOTE]

She then launched into this trans bathroom tirade but honestly I was so shocked and hurt by that opener I responded a little but mostly disengaged. Next time I disrespect her need to feel safe? Like, er, I dunno, the two decades during which she permanently traumatized me for life by constantly threatening me and being a violent fucking psychopath?

I was just stymied.

But I let it go. I was angry, I wrote like a three page rage-filled letter I didn’t send, set it aside and just let it go. I knew i wanted to confront her about her behavior but not how. I was so depressed the next morning Dom had to drag me into work by my ear (work is HARD on my neurons), but I went to work and was taking a break to draft what seemed to me to be a reasonable and polite explanation for why her behavior was unacceptable and I would not tolerate it.

Before I can start drafting, she starts messaging me, picking at me. My Aunt also respectfully responded to her post and she unfriend my Aunt too (she hates my Aunt because my Aunt doesn’t put up with her shit.)

[QUOTE=Mom]
Yay, some of my people get it. Sorry you don’t. I know how to stay safe regardless.
I was surprised you didn’t get that tho
I have been raped several times
Anyways, I KNOW my safety is just as important as anyone elses. I don’t need validation from others for that. Yay for me!
[/QUOTE]

I am not proud to report that I lost my fucking shit. The rage just poured out. My hands were shaking so hard I could barely type.

[QUOTE=Spice Weasel, to Mom]
Talk to me some more about the importance of your Facebook safety, Mom. Then explain why you looked the other way when your own daughter tried to tell you she was being molested. Explain how you let it happen for six years and acted jealous and vengeful. “If you love her so much, why don’t you marry her?” you raged when you found him feeling me up on the sofa. I don’t give a shit what happened to you. I never put anyone through that. I never threatened to shatter my daughter’s skull with a glass bottle. I never started bullshit Facebook drama when I had an actively suicidal kid. You fucking insult me by lecturing about fucking boundaries? Go to hell you narcissistic abusive soul sucking bitch.
[/QUOTE]

Then I blocked her, had a goddamn PTSD meltdown in the middle of work and ran out into the middle of the parking lot with two Ativan and my cell phone. After a good 20 mins talking to my Aunt I calmed down enough to go back to work. But I was NOT happy.

So… I learned my lesson, right? I mean, it was clear we needed to take a break, right? But eventually I’d be in a stable place and… oh, and maybe I should write her a longer letter apologizing for being rude to her and explaining more tactfully how hurtful her initial behavior had been, because I didn’t want her to be agonizing over the last horrible things I said to her. So I drafted this three page letter about how I didn’t mean to undermine the progress she made but that I just didn’t think she could be the unconditionally loving parent I needed right now because it’s totally not okay to randomly threaten to block your child for respectfully expressing a dissenting opinion… Like I just need to be more cognizant of her needs as a traumatized person…

That’s when Dr. Weasel said to me, ''Um… your Mom texted me shortly after you blocked her on Friday. I was waiting until you were in a stable place to share this with you, but I think you’re gonna wanna hear it."

[QUOTE=Mom]
You may already know but Christy does not seem to be doing well this morning. I don’t think she can handle a relationship with me. I want what’s best for her and it doesn’t appear to be me. I love and respect you both.
[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Dr. Weasel]
I am aware. She has been having a very difficult time the past few weeks. The seizures and medications are syncing up with a resurgance of severe depression, suicidal thinking, and past traumas. A multitude of childhood issues are causing severe psychological pain right now. She is staying safe, though. I thinkn that she is going to need a break in having a relationship with you for a while. I suspet that you two will be able to reuinite sometime in the future after you both have done some more healing. She loves you very much. I love you very much, too. Take care of yourself.‘’
[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Mom]
Well, she sent me an EXTREMELY mean message. I feel like I have made tremendous progress to the point I am no longer willing to be mistreated. Not even by her, and this is a pattern with her, so I don’t see a future. I have accepted responsibility for my past mistakes 100% with her but I will not own someone else’s mistakes. I really don’t think there will be a future for her and I, probably best for us both. I have moved forward, and do not wish to go back. I am a very different person but she cannot seem to see it or accept it. And that’s okay. She has to take care of herself, I understand. I am here anytime for you. Take care of yourself too.
[/QUOTE]

And it was like the heavens parted. And I said unto the Lord Og, ‘‘Fuck that.’’

Knowing someone for thirty-three years and finally seeing them for the first time. I tried so damned hard to make it work. I put more effort into that relationship, into healing, into forgiveness, than I have put into any relationship including my own marriage. And she seriously thinks I was the one in the wrong.

Thirty-three years of backbreaking, soul-crushing labor and what I got out of it… is absolutely fucking nothing. Other than the realization that I am a stone cold badass for not turning into the narcissistic hellbeast that my mother chose to become, and that now I have no parents, and that sucks. On the bright side, I haven’t felt the need to kill myself since I realized this person cannot love me because she does not understand what love is.

That is all. I am angry and heartbroken and full of grief but I finally understand my mother is fundamentally broken and there is no future for us, and I can work with that.

2

Best wishes to you. Really.

3

By the way, her not willing to take responsibility for others’ mistakes is a reference to her fourth husband molesting me. She knew. She claims she didn’t know but she has admitted to me before that she knew. But she’s stuck on this, ‘‘I point blank asked you and you denied it!’’ so she is claiming I’m delusionally blaming her for everything.

This is exactly the conversation that occurred when I was 12:
''Are you going to go on another hunting trip with your Dad or not? You keep avoiding it and you need to make a decision."

''I hate this shirt I wore on our last trip."

“Why?”

“Because of something that happened to me while I was wearing it.”

''Is there something you need to tell me about your Dad? Is he abusing you?"

''Mom. Are you happy?"

“…Yes. But I want that happiness not to be based on a lie.”

“Never mind. I want you to be happy.”

Never spoke of again. Next several years she would fly into a jealous rage after every time she caught him doing something inappropriate with me.

Judge for yourself whether she bears any of the responsibility for that.

4

I was gonna wait until she died to write my memoir out of deference to her feelings. Fuck that, also.

5

“Wow”
respectful, supportive silence

6

Do what you need to do for you. If that means excommunicating her, well you definitely won’t be the first & probably won’t be the last.

Get yourself healthy & only then think about if you want a relationship with her.

7

Jesus, this on top of the epilepsy and having to quit the wellbutrin? What social support do you have in your day to day life? Do you have a regular therapist or close friends you can have dinner with? Your husband sounds like a great guy from what you’ve said of him on this board, but as you said he is busy with work and may not be able to give you the level of support you are looking for. What all support do you have access to to deal with all these things.

This is my opinion, you may not agree, but I think you need to mourn that you never had the sense of safety and healthy attachment you needed when you were younger. The people who were supposed to protect and guide you when you were young, naive and vulnerable were either indifferent to your well being or were the ones abusing you. And on some level maybe you want to hold things together with your mom to avoid facing this sad fact of life, the people who were supposed to protect you were the one promoting the abuse, at best they were indifferent.

I have had good luck with brainspotting (an offshoot of EMDR) as well as using propranolol for my PTSD. I did some neurofeedback work too, and that helped. You may want to look into them for traumatic memories. Best of luck.

8

I know I’m venting, I’m just, I don’t understand why I have to deal with all this bullshit now. When she sent me that unfriending text or whatever, I was just like thinking, ''Really, Mom? Fucking now?" I’ve got so much going on right now I’m struggling just to put in 20 hours of work a week at my part-time job because my brain is overtaxed. I haven’t even looked at the budget in 30 days because I am struggling to cognitively process it. And she comes at me with this shit.

And then it’s like, of course she does.

It’s not a fucking coincidence, is it? All these miserable coincidences in my life are not coincidences.:smack:

9
10

I’ve dipped in and out of the Dope for years, and know parts of your story, although probably not all of it. I am a psych nurse. I have friends who have survived all kinds of childhood trauma and abuse at the hands of parents.

I am now possibly re-ordering my list of worst. mothers. ever.

PM if you want…

11

Good for you.

Don’t look back.

12

I know right??!!!

I do have a weekly therapist who finally returned from vacation! I have a lot of close friends I message on Facebook. I have an actual Face to Face writer’s group (professional writers and aspiring professional writers) that I am becoming good friends with and in some ways we’re a support group for our various mental issues. I see them about once every two weeks. I also have Sr. Weasel’s Dad and MIL and they are great. They work in the admin office of my complex so I can walk over to them for lunch at least once a week. I’m working on building the network stronger but it’s a challenge especially because I am an introvert with social anxiety to begin with.

I’m trying to get into my work office at least once per week (usually Mondays) by hitching a ride with my husband and then a coworker. I recently decided to go up to two days a week to give myself more structure. Tomorrow will be my first visit with the neurologist.

I am doing better cognitively. I seem to be adjusting to the meds. At first I needed to sleep every 3-4 hours, yesterday I didn’t nap at all and today I only napped once. So it’s getting better and I am getting sharper.

Yeah, it just sucks. I’ve had good treatment for PTSD (prolonged exposure) that was super effective, it just seems like the seizures did something to knock me down a few pegs. I just have so much guilt and rage I haven’t been facing (I mean RAGE - it always comes out in my fiction writing but I’m normally a very mild mannered person so it’s easy to ignore.) I try to ignore anger because it has had such a destructive effect on me, but I don’t think I can do that any more. I think I have to really deal with the number that woman did on my head because she has me convinced of so many negative things about myself.

I recently started Seroquel which is both a mood stabilizer and atypical antipsychotic to help with the constant ups and downs. I’ve taken it before and it should help with the PTSD and anxiety. Generally I do seem to be doing better since I started taking it. This is the first weekend in a month I haven’t felt suicidal but the seething rage has probably also helped boost my spirits.

I know the trauma work isn’t done but I do suspect it’s having an exaggerated effect right now due to the neurological upheaval.

13

I can definitively tell you I don’t want a relationship with her and that’s probably because I am becoming more healthy.

I’m sad. Really sad. Because I worked really hard and put in a lot of effort and my love just wasn’t strong enough to fix her.

But I’m done. At the most basic core of the thing, this is not a woman who shares my value system. I am all about open and honest reflection on my behavior and how it impacts others (I’m still mad I lost my temper with her because that’s not who I want to be, but I’m letting it go without an apology because I frankly don’t want to waste an iota more of brain space to worrying about her well-being when it’s clear she doesn’t give two shits about mine.

The man she married and allowed to abuse me was a textbook sociopath, but I didn’t realize it until I left home. I realized with some horror all the ways I’d been blatantly manipulated so he could get power and control over me to abuse me. The Daddy I loved with my whole heart never actually existed, he was just this caricature.

That’s basically what I’m going through with my Mom right now. I finally see what she is, and it’s paper thin.

14

Spice, I have no advice or analysis to offer. All I have to say is this:

I like you. I’m glad you’re here. And I hope this change will make things better for you in the long run.

15

That is what I meant with that link I posted earlier. Abuse by people who are supposed to love and protect you is very damaging psychologically. Most people can’t deal with it, so they identify with the abuser on some level. They create narratives where the abuser wasn’t a bad person, they were just misunderstood or redeemable, it was the victims fault, the abuse didn’t even count as abuse, or something like that. It helps to hide from the pain of how vulnerable, violated, helpless, unwanted, angry, afraid, abuse makes a person feel.

IMO, your mom is an abuse victim who is repeating her traumas on her kids, but more than that she seems like a shit person. A person can be a shit person w/o being abused, a person can be abused w/o being a shit person, but some people sadly are both. Your mom sounds like both (IMO, based on what I’ve seen you write about her over the years, even if she had never been abused and had been raised in a great home, she probably would’ve turned into a shit person in some other way) and I guess you are finally coming to terms with that and that knowledge is going to be hard to deal with since it could be hard on your sense of self. She, like your biological father and stepfather, never were and never will be the people you wanted and needed them to be. I don’t know if at this point in your healing you want input, but that is my view on it. Sucks it is happening now when you have so many other stressers going on in your life.

Make sure you mention to the neurologist that this is happening. I’m not sure what connection there is with the epilepsy or the new meds, but there could be something there. I have no idea though.

16

Spice, I have had the great fortune to belong to a wonderful family, yet through a series of poor choices I became involved with a person similar to your mother. I witnessed the destruction wrought on my family and on theirs. I saw how that person’s family had to excise them from their lives, as did I.

The permanent and complete removal of toxic individuals from your life is necessary and honorable, and I guarantee after the pain ebbs away and reflection takes hold the only regret will be not having done it sooner.

For my part I and my family are whole and healthy once again, having learned and grown from our experience together. I have no doubt this is the future that lies before you too.

17

Oh, Spice Weasel, my heart is breaking for you. I have no particular insight to offer you, but I do offer my heartfelt support. You are a world beyond her, and if you want a kind ear, PM me. Absolute best wishes.

18

Spice - sending good thoughts your way. You don’t know me but I’ve followed your story. Just hoping for the best outcome for you and my two cents is the best outcome is one without your mother in it. Take care.

19

Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time.

For what reasons are/were you attached to having a relationship with her?
Keep in mind that many people keep shitty family members in their lives even when it’s obvious they should be cut off; You’ve been able to make a decision that would be too hard for most people. Based on my own experience, your life should get easier from this point on. Just don’t give her another chance when she eventually gives you puppy eyes and lovey words.

Time to double down on your meditation and non-attachment.

20

Porque es la puta que la parió… because it’s the bitch who birthed her. The problem is that “weaselmom” has never been worthy of the name “mother”, but this is something that’s very difficult to truly absorb. I hate Mother’s Day because all those messages about the sainthood and perfection of mothers and about how (literal, heard several times on the media) if you have a bad relationship with your mother it’s because you’re a bad child, all those messages ignore the little detail that a bitch will be a dog no matter how many times she breeds.

Sorry you’re going through this yet again, Weasel. It sucks.