33 Wasted Years in a Broken Relationship (Long, Delicious Drama)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Very sorry you are going through this, and so glad you have people in your life who support you no matter what.

We have an acquaintance who is a narcissist, or something very much like it. The trap is that you keep saying to yourself, “There has to be something I can say to this person that will get through to them, that will make them see reason.” You just can’t believe that there is an adult human who fundamentally cannot be rational. But there you have it. Nothing is ever their fault or their responsibility, and trying to reason with them or have anything like a normal human relationship with them is a maddening exercise in total and complete futility.

22

So sorry you have to go through this. I’d like to say more, but I just don’t think I have the eloquence to express myself. So please just take care of yourself, draw strength from the sane people around you, and don’t waste any time at all feeling guilty for whatever you have or have not done with respect to your mother.

23

((Spice Weasel))

No advice, just best wishes.

24

You keep saying you’ve tried so hard, over so many years. But the truth is you have soent all that time desperately trying to mend something that cannot be mended. You’ve been trying to mend a relationship that should NOT be mended.

You should have stepped away years ago. Stop going to the well. You know the water is poison. Try to figure out why you keep drinking it? The desire/need to ‘love’ our parent is so strong. But some parents don’t deserve or merit your love.

Here’s a little trick that really helped me heal a similarly frayed relationship with my Mom. I knew I couldn’t keep going to the well, I knew the water was poison. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t STOP going to the well. Knowing I was the one driving the need to drink from the well was really negatively affecting my mental health. Then a therapist taught me a little trick.

First he educated me on exactly how deeply runs the desire to love and be loved by our parents, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that they haven’t any love to give, and are having a very bad effect in our lives!

He had me source a photo of my Mom smiling and happy, at a time before her family, when she was young, and fresh, and really just raw material and potential. He had me enlarge and frame the photo and display it where I would see it everyday! I had very little faith such a silly thing could make a difference, but it really, really did!

Seeing her happy smiling face made me smile, then I recognized I COULD love the person in the photo, because they weren’t yet despicable. As the days went by I found the photo a repository for the ‘parental love’ I’d never found a place for before. It got easier as time went by, to forgive who she’d become, and to disconnect my need to love her, from her actions. I wasn’t forgiving or condoning her bad behaviour I was just loving her anyway. (Oh, and from afar. This won’t work if you’re faced with the reality everyday!)

In a short time I had a much more healthy relationship with my still wildly dysfunctional family. Because I COULD feel loving towards them (in my own private way!) I didn’t feel like a cold, heartless, unforgiving bitch any more, just for protecting my mental health.

In time, I could be around them without the burning need for them to acknowledge anything, without care for whether they’d changed their ways or not. I could disconnect my love for them from their actions. And I internalized both that I could love them on my terms, and that I too was just raw material. And, voila, I wasn’t driven to keep going to that poisoned well looking for a love they didn’t have to share.

If you’re, in your heart, a loving person, trying to shut off love for your parents is kind of doomed to falure, I think. If you find a way to both be a loving person AND no longer look to them for your needs, you’ll begin to find some of the peace you seek, I think!

God Luck to you, I know how hard this journey is!

25

I actually like her. I think she has a cool personality when she’s not crazy. She’s smart and funny and seems to care about others, as long as she’s not in her Crazy Dome. She likes good music and having fun. We had a May trip planned for a road tour of the Waterfalls in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. It’s been a quite a while since some horrible dynamic like this has played out, but it’s not okay that it happened even one more time, especially not now.

Plus, when I talked to my Aunt about this, she said she treats other people like shit all the time still, and they just let her steamroll right over them. Apparently ever since this debacle, she has my Grandmother convinced I am delusional when I accuse her of having known about the abuse. She just has been hiding the crazy from me to the best of her ability. Which, I suppose I should be flattered.

Most people have mothers. I like to be able to answer questions about my Mother as if my family is anywhere close to normal. ‘‘I don’t have parents’’ is an awkward thing to have to say to people politely inquiring about my parents. A part of me has always desperately longed to be unremarkable, though that will never happen. I will always be weird and my Mom is just one facet of my weirdness. I just have to accept it.

I’m getting better at this. I pulled out the old playlist. Remember that old George Strait song?

26

I’m so, so sorry, hon. Fuck her. I hope you keep her out of your life forever.

27

Some people are just fucked. And that’s not your fault.

Sometimes those people are your parents. And that’s not your fault.

Sometimes they can be fun to be around, but they’ll still turn and bite you when there’s no one else to bite. And that’s not your fault when they’re your parents. Society and other family members expect so much from you that the disapproval can be worse than standing around and waiting to be bitten yourself.

Good on you for realising that now, especially with your health at risk, that it’s not worth suffering at her hands just for the rare good times.

28

I had an abusive girlfriend who I’m pretty sure had Borderline Personality Disorder several years back, and there’s still bits of damage from it. While I don’t know all of your story, I know that dealing with that kind of behavior from a parent, who has control over your life and you can’t just walk away from, over the course of decades, with people pressuring you to stay in touch with her must be horrible. My advice is to resist the temptation to try to pick things back up with her, don’t feel guilty about your wounds or what you need to do to heal them, and remember that what you have from her (not the seizures and the like) is a serious medical condition you need to deal with, it’s not some kind of failure or weakness on your part.

29

I recall that with some of the most difficult decisions I’ve made in my life, as hard as they seemed at the time, I was filled with relief once I’d finally made them.

Here’s hoping today is a day of relief for you.

30

Size mine. Seems to. So long as everybody does what she wants. So long as the world bends to her will. If she kicked you in the face, she’d be charming and gracious once you apologized sufficiently for the spots on her shoes.

That is not a good person, it’s a mask, and one that gets removed as soon as someone she considers an Acceptable Target (like, say, her daughter) dares to have her own ideas. Have you read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? In visual media, Hyde is represented as an enormous, deformed monster; Quasimodo’s uglier cousin. In the actual story, the only visible difference is one of attitude. Dr Jekyll is perfectly charming yes, but he’s a fake and your mother’s Mr Hyde considers you fair game.

Does this sound familiar?

Sería la novia en la boda,
el niño en el bautizo,
el muerto en el entierro
con tal de dejar su sello.

She’d be the bride in the wedding,
the child in the baptism,
the corpse in the funeral
to be the center of attention.

Your relationship with your mother will never be a healthy “normal” one. There are different levels of “cut off” which can work, but so long as you stay hopeful, she’ll have a dagger in your heart and won’t miss any chance to twist it.

When people politely inquire about my parents, I politely answer “fine thank you.” People who have access to more don’t inquire politely.

31

“I don’t have parents.” Is a lie. Everybody had parents, after all.

The answer you’re looking for is, “I have a challenging relationship with my parents, there’s some issues, yknow how it can be. I’ve made my peace with it, but the relationship is not entirely as they’d prefer. And I’m okay with that.”

If pressed for further insight, (nosy buggers!), “It’s a big old ball of dysfunction. I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to give it room in my life!” (That’ll shut them up!)

But the truth is, once you’re at ease with it, so will everyone else be!

32

She won’t stop taking up emotional space, but she should - shortly - stop taking up so much emotional time and effort. Rant while its cathartic (then quit before you cede that space).

Take care of YOURSELF.

33

No advice, but I’ve read some of your threads over the years, and I’m glad you’re doing what’s best for your own health, and I hope you find peace.

34

Well, I saw the neuro. Brain science is something else.

The overarching medical response to epilepsy seems to be ''Ehhhhh?" :confused:

He would ideally have put me on a medication less likely to exacerbate depression but my insurance wouldn’t cover it, and it cost $1,000 for a one month supply. So we are holding steady on the meds for right now to see how I adjust.

I am honestly optimistic that things will get better.

35

Hey Spice, sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. Taking a break from Mommy Dearist is the right thing now, you need to take care of yourself. I’m really glad you have an extremely understanding and supporting husband.

My mother is in the hospital now, and I got just off the phone with my aunt. The conversation had wandered off in the generations of craziness in my family of origin.

I’m also getting a little more up these days after a long period of darkness so, as always, I can relate to what you write.

36

What is the name and dosage of the med you can’t afford?

37

Vimpat. I don’t know the dosage right off.

I do like the Keppra okay and the Seroquel is definitely helping my mood.

38

Sorry, Spice. You’ve had a whole heckuvalot on your plate recently and I’m sorry your mother is adding to it. Sending some mental and physical healing thoughts your way.

39

It’s fascinating the number this woman’s done on my head. I currently feel guilty for failing to make the relationship work and ALSO for not getting the hell out sooner. I have constructed this mental scenario where I am a terrible person no matter what I do. Whether I am too strong or too weak, I am in the wrong.

And yes that’s basically exactly how I was raised. To be categorically wrong no matter what I do. I have to find a way out of this mental hell.

40

Also weighing rather heavily on my mind, the doc says the most common cause of seizure disorders is childhood head trauma. Given how often I got smacked around and how often I smacked myself around as a child (hitting myself in the head out of frustration) I’m less than thrilled with the possibility this shit is related to my upbringing.