I wonder if anyone has ever happened to mention to you smokers that smoking is disgusting and filthy? Just FYI. I mean, in case you didn’t know or something.
Well I feel it is my responsibility, as a complete stranger, to point out that smoking is disgusting and fatal.
It’ll kill you, did you know that? Don’t you care?
Death! DEATH!!! You are obviously too stupid to grasp the concept that you are going to DIE from smoking.
And it stinks.
A lot.
But you are too stupid to realize that you’re stinking the place up, so you know, I’ll go easy on you.
Oh, btw, did I mention it was a digsuting habit that will KILL YOU.
Man, I’m sure glad I’m not as brainless as you obviously are. *
*[sub]that was firmly “tounge-in-cheek” if you couldn’t tell. [/sub]
The worst is when you didn’t drop it or anything, but you still light the wrong end. Then you are left wondering if you had a natural lucky smoke and missed it without taking advantage of the luck.
You people think you’re soooooo hip. But you’re not real smokers
Up there with lighting the wrong end, has got to be the ability to inflict third degree burns on the inside edges of fingers number #1 & #2.
Let me set the scene - although I’ve done this multiple times, this one had the potential for multiple loss of life.
In my youth, our workplace used to organise ski-ing weekends. These consisted of leaving work Friday after work, driving the 4 or 5 hours to the township at the base of the mountain. Finding a bar. Drinking utill declared legally dead. Been waken by some puritan sadist at 6:00am, hitting the slopes (literally), back to the camp too late for hot water, finding the same bar, being retrieved from the morgue at 6:00am by the same person, hitting the slopes, back to camp in the evening to re-install the liver and kidneys removed in error (but retained due to the medecal worlds amazement at it’s ability to function with so much damage).
So there we are, Sunday evening and I’m back behind the wheel with my manager in the passenger seat (very asleep).
Time for a nice soothing smoke !!. Look down at centre console, ah yes, come to me oh great giver of tar & nicotine. Put said item in mouth (with filter in correct position).
Look down at in-car lighter, remember the coil had burnt out some weeks ago, but hey, who cares, there’s matches in here somewhere, last seen with the boss - who still has them - but now they’ve dropped out of his hand and worked down into his crotch (and between his legs).
Uhmmmmmmmmmmm, goes the brain dept, it’s dark, you’re alone with the boss, in the middle of nowhere, he’s asleep, and you want to go groping arounds this guys testicles. Chances of him waking up at the very wrong moment = 100%
So, what’s a man to do - respect another mans nether regions are simply a no go area, no matter the circumstances. Damn right
skip next two hours - remember unlit cigarette still in mouth.
Boss wakes up - Yiiipppeeeeeee
“Errr pass us the matches will ya”. No problem, here you go. Light smoke, aaaaaaahh goooooooood.
Next step is to remove cigarette from mouth to flick used ash in to ashtray.
Slowly move hand into position, lightly clamp cigarette between first & second finger, pull
Cigarette, now stuck to lips with caked saliva from the two hour wait, stays firm
Hand does not, and merrily continues travel away from mouth.
In 0.00387 seconds, fingers are now clamped onto lit end of cigarrete causing instant recognition in the brain dept that all is not well in sector 43, units 1 and 2.
Response, remove unit from area. However, skin has now bonded with red-hot tobacco (with special additives to ensure it stays lit), which comes away with the hand, somehow attracted by the potential journey it will now travel.
1.5 tons of metal, at speed, with no obvious system in place to guide it’s direction.
Brain slams into acition, BRAKES, stop, exit car, dance like a white man until burning pain stops.
Get in car, relight cigarette, drive on - It was worth it
Moral of the story - put lighter in car ahead of petrol, you need it more !!!
Ah…this is why stopped setting up a lucky in the pack about eight years ago…
jayjay (hi, chique!!)
If you have to be up in about five minutes, but need a quick nap, light a smoke and hold it near the end. You can nap away and the burn between the first two fingers really wakes you up good, as Bender can bear witness to.
Great story, bender!!
b.
DINGDINGDING! Band Name!!
Sheesh, I did it to myself.
b.
OK, former smoker here and I have to ask:
A couple of people have mentioned a “lucky” cigarette in the pack. Was an upside-down cigarette actually intentionally placed in packs, and were these considered lucky? I’ve never heard of either of these ideas.
c’mon, everyone knows that the filter is where they put the heroin. Get into it.
nineiron
Not by the manufacturer, but the user when the pack is first opened (some do the same with matches - even non-smokers), and this is last one used.
It’s a superstition thing, supposed to bring luck to the owner. Origin unknown to me, but I sure learned quikly not to take this one out of the pack if offered.
Have never done this myself, rely on good looks, charm, wit and modesty to bring my own luck (lol)