Four year old daughter wanted K’nex Screaming Serpent Roller Coaster Kit for Christmas, ages 12 and up. My daughter precious, I buy it anyway.
Christmas morning, eyes all saucers as she unwraps enormous box. “Yaaaaa! Let’s put it together.”
We dump pieces on rug. There are over a thousand tiny pieces. Over a thousand.
A thousand.
A thousand tiny pieces.
K’nex Screaming Serpent Roller Coaster kits comes with instruction book to put together.
Perhaps you picture little pamphletty instuction book with staples. It not that kind of book. It book like Organic Chemistry, or Calculus III. It big heavy book.
We begin:
“Welcome to K’nex Screaming Serpent Roller Coaster. You will build K’nex Screaming Serpent Roller Coaster in twenty easy sections.”
“Twenty Seven sections sounds like a lot,” me thinks. “Lucky am I that these sections are easy.”
They trick me cruel! They do me dirt! Sections may be easy. BUt each Section consists of multiple subgroups each with multiple subassemblys. Subgroups and subassemblies not be easy.
Each illustration cunningly drawn to obscure the pertinent key information necessary to not assembling backwards.
Subassemblies not fit together properly into subgroups. Subgroups not comine into sections.
Many contingencies not calculated for in instruction book.
Irritating cheerful asides in instruction book.
“Congratulations! You have completed Section Four Subassembly A. Great Job”
I have not completed Section Four Subassembly A. I pay you back! I find you, make you die filthy for your lies!
I have twisted evil misrepresentation of Section Four Subassembly A. It not stand. It not hold track. It not functional.
Helpful Hints are not:
“Share the K’nex experience with your child and make building with K’nex a family fun adventure.”
“Daddy, is it done yet? Can I play with it yet? When is it gonna be done? Is it done yet?”
Or:
“Take Your time to enjoy the building process. Don’t rush!”
Fuck you!
Or:
“Product and colors may vary.”
Variance from spec in thousand piece interconnected model, not a virtue.
Argh!
Chain lift gear bottom section subassembly, no join with Bank Curve Subgroup A, Subassembly B. Instructions oddly reticent and ambiguous.
My subassembly B is all wrong. Take apart, build again.
Still no fit.
Daughter changed page in middle of subassembly assembly process.
“Don’t change page.”
“But I want to see.”
“NO change page! Hand Daddy Incline Group B”
“What’s that?”
“Incline Group B. Incline Group B. It right in front of you!”
“This?”
"That Declination Subassembly. What wrong with you? Incline Group B. Incline Group B. Give it to me now. That. There. Yes. No. Don’t pick it up like that. Not like that. Noooooo!
Look what you did. You think Incline Group B was easy? What I do with this? Will you fix? You think this fun and games? You let attention fail one second, look what happen."
“Mom, Daddy’s being mean!”
“Don’t be mean Daddy.”
“Daddy’s not being mean. Daddy explaining facts of life in K’nex world. Look Kid, you want Leggo people to die? You want Roller Coaster to work, or do you want to collapse?”
“Will it 'splode?”
“It could explode. Thousand pieces. Anything happen.”
“Mom? Daddy says he’s gonna 'splode!”
“Well then you better come here.”
“Bye Daddy. I come back soon and you make it work.”
“Not soon.”
“Not?”
“Not. Daddy not understand intricacies of Bank Curve Subgroup A Subassembly B. Seemed simple at first. Deceptive. Instructions no help.”
“It’s not going to work?”
“I dunno.”
Daughter go into next room and cry. Other families having fun on Christmas. Damn you Bank Curve Subgroup A Subassembly B. You make daughter cry.
Your instruction book illustrations have trick perspective, make me build mirror image, not to scale. Your piece variance thwarts my skills.
Yes, you adventure for whole family. Adventure like when plane go down, crash in flames, people scream and die, show up on evening news. This not adventure we want.
I kill you filthy subgroup B. I make you pay.
And much much… much later when roller coaster together, my daughter watch roller coaster go for five minutes, then get bored, go do something else.
I kill you filthy.
I make you pay.
)