Start with the person you feel will be most supportive and that you can trust. Tell them that you haven’t told anyone else yet and that you’re not ready for everyone to know yet. This might be a family member, or it might be a family friend, or just a personal friend, up to you.
If your first person isn’t a family member, I’d suggest next going to a family member and telling them. It doesn’t have to be immediate family (although it would be great if it could be), it could be a cousin, an aunt, an uncle, whoever you think will cope with the information.
Then I’d suggest approaching your parents. You might want to pick the most supportive parent first, get them on side, so they will support you when you both tell the other parent. Then tell any immediate siblings.
Once you’ve told your parents and siblings, let your first and second confidants know that they don’t need to keep the information to themselves anymore. They will start disseminating the information - you don’t need to write a list of everyone in your family and book apointments to go tell them.
From there, it really just becomes an ‘if it comes out in conversation’ thing (excuse the pun).
I’d go with the letter or e-mail routine, too. Mainly for the sake of your family and friends and their relationship to you. If you tell people you are gay, their very first, initial reaction might be… awkward. They might either under or over -react. One well meaning parent might underreact and say: “oh…oh. Well, hou about them Dodgers?” . And you might feel ignored and it might strain the relationship. An enthusiastic female friend might overreact and cover you in " sympathy" you really have no use for, or she might start all sorts of intimate questions to show you hes is accepting and you can talk to her about anything. Another female friend might overreact and invite you for a BFF relationship where you take facial masks together and paint each others toenails.
All of those reactionsmight be just awkwardness to do the right thing on their part, while you might just think: Jeez, why are they behaving so strangely?
If you give people a little time to take in the news, you minimize such awkwardness. A letter along the lines of:
Dear folks,. I’ve got some news, and vor various reasons I am telling you all by e-mail. Maybe some of you have suspected so already, but I wanted to tell you all that I am gay. I have had a relationship in NY with a wonderful guy named Matt. Otherwise, I’m just the same old **automagic **you have always known, nothing has changed. If you want to ask anything, I’d be happy to talk with you about it next time we meet, or by e-mail. If you don’t want to bring it up, that’s fine with me too.
Love, Automagic.
I have to completely disagree with you, Maastricht.
As much as we like to think being gay isn’t a big deal these days, we’re kidding ourselves if we assume everyone feels that way.
And it’s not necessarily the homophobia that is an issue, but simply the fact that parents who may have been quietly hoping their son ‘settles down with a nice girl and produces them some lovely grandchildren soon’ will have to deal with the news that grandchildren is probably something they’re not going to get. And the nice girl might be a nice guy, and that’s something they need time to adjust to.
So to send a communication to everyone at the same time strikes me as quite mean. I have visions of the parents phone ringing off the hook on the evening that they’ve received this email, with relatives and friends wanting to gossip or sympathise/empathise with them. And that could happen before the parents themselves have even read the email.
Years ago when I was nursing, on a 3 - 11 shift, I was sharing a meal break with some other guys. We were discussing what awful gossips some of our coworkers were. Someone suggested we see how long it would take for a rumour about one of us to get back to the subject of the rumour. So we decided to start a rumour that the guy amongst us who was a noted Lothario had “revealed” that he was acting this way to cover for the fact that he was really gay. We agreed that one guy would mention it after the meal break to one other person and it would never be mentioned again.
Our Lothario friend was receiving offers of support from gay workmates by the time he went back to the nurse’s quarters at the end of the shift.
This. I was talking with my aunt who is the known gossip of the family. It came up in conversation and she asked if she was the first in the family to know. I said yes. She then asked if she could tell the rest of the family. My thought? Better her than me. So she did.
My mom said she always knew that I was gay because I liked books more than sports :rolleyes:. She also said she took it hard at first but by the time I saw her after she found out, she was great about it.
Also, be ready to point your relatives to resources like PFLAG if they want information on how to support you and/or come to terms with this revelation.
It’d be nice if this was a “no big deal” situation, but I can think of few other things you might reveal to a family (aside from criminal acts) that have the potential to get you harassed by “loved ones,” rejected, preached at, shunned, told not to bring your spouse to family gatherings (or to not attend at all), told to lie to some people in the family about your orientation/who your partner really is to you, told to not hold hands around the kids, etc.
The thing is, it’s not about society or anybody else, at the bottom line. If the OP feels he needs to come out to his family formally, then quite frankly he needs to and he should take some of the advice in this thread.
I don’t know if I would go the letter route, though, unless I anticipated them flipping out. What I would be more inclined to do is write the letter, and get a promise from them to listen to you read it and not interrupt - and make them hold to it.
My family was pretty sure that my cousin was gay, but he wasn’t out yet. My mom was talking to my aunt (her sister) when my aunt brought up the same idea, and that she wasn’t sure how she’d handle it if it were true. Mom told her that it doesn’t really change anything, even if it is a rather fundamental conversation to have. And Mom convinced her that she did need to speak to her son about it, if nothing else, so he could be fully himself without anything to hide.
It took her a while, but she eventually did. Kind of a funny story, actually: she had come up to Mpls to visit and my cousin was going to pick her up at the airport back in Denver. But something had come up, so he wasn’t certain if he’d make it and started to make arrangements with his brother. My aunt called him to verify things, found out about the possible switch, and was all, “But you’ve got to pick me up!” She told Mom that she was ready to have the conversation and she wasn’t going to back away from it.
In any case, it’s all turned out well. My cousin’s partner is, by all accounts, a really great guy. (I haven’t had the opportunity to meet him yet.) My aunt wasn’t sure she’d be able to take it well; now, she calls my cousin’s partner her son-in-law and meets them for dinner or whatnot frequently.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a story where everything’s turned out well. I know it’s hard and worrying - it’s a big conversation. But I think it’s one you need to have. I also think it’s something you shouldn’t do by e-mail. Big news should be relayed in person (or over the phone, at minimum), I think. (Of course, this depends on how you feel your family might react.)
When one of my friends came out it me, it was rather one of those foregone conclusions - none of us were really surprised. But I appreciate that it was a) something he wanted me to know and b) a difficult thing for him to say. It’s no difference to me - it’s just something I know about Matt, like what color his eyes are - but I am honored that he wanted me to know and was able to tell me in person.
One thing I would advise - if you’re not sure how your parents will take it, don’t do it by introducing your boyfriend.
You could introduce the idea of your boyfriend but their initial reaction is going to be his first exposure to them and while you love them and will forgive them eventually he might not. Until you are comfortable with their reaction it’s better to not introduce another person into the mixture.
FYI I have given the same advice to people marrying outside of their race and church when their parents are dedicated to the idea that this could never happen.
I was going to suggest throwing a big “coming out” party (Bi-coastal if need be, pun intended).
But now you’ve got me thinking of throwing my own “I’m coming out as straight and proud of it!” party. Less flamboyant by definition, but still worth planning. Hey, I know some straight guys that need to come to terms… with the fact that we don’t have enough parties.
(Could be fun – lots of chicken wings and longneck beers…)
But seriously, a short, sincere email, thanking your friends and family for their love and support in the past, and your hope that this doesn’t affect that.
It should be a freeing moment when it happens, you can be who you are, instead of who they expect you to be. But you may not be ready, which is OK. Follow the path of Love, and Love will make a way for this to happen. Don’t try to rush it, just follow Love and learn to trust that Love is always the way.
My sister wasn’t sure how to come out to our extended family. An announcement seemed pretty awkward, but since she has been in a long-term relationship, she didn’t want to hide it. With her permission, I made a point of mentioning her girlfriend casually in the same way I would talk about the rest of our husbands. Word got around and there was never a big thing. YMMV, of course.
Also in California. My wife’s cousin didn’t come out for the longest time to his family. When he did, he was surprised it wasn’t a bigger deal. Most of my gay friends relate the same. Maybe their experiences are not representative.
Sometimes life is just a Nike commercial.
Good luck.
I’d also suggest making a “shortlist” of your closest family and friends - the ones who you think would be sad/angry/hurt that they heard this from someone else first, and tell THEM first.
I only say this because I have a close friend who got in deep shit with her family because they didn’t find out about her pregnancy from her, but from mutual friends who didn’t realize she hadn’t told everyone yet. It had only been a few hours! :rolleyes:
As for telling/not telling and the whole “throw a huge party” deal, I honestly think it should be personal preference, and not some big political or ideological stance. I don’t like parties, so I wouldn’t have one. Maybe you DO like parties! Talk to lots of people who have told/not told families and old childhood friends about it, and find a manner of telling that feels appropriate or comfortable to you (or alter a method to fit better with your personality) and go with that way. It’s your life.
What are your family and friends LIKE? How to do expect them to react? How is news (and this isnt’ really ‘news’) communicated in your family? Are they the type to communicate obtusely, or directly.
In MY family (and I’m not gay, but I did marry a (gasp) atheist), there are two possible ways that are appropriate to address something like this. 1) Tell someone (or a few someones), let them tell everyone else. or 2) let it drop in conversation to explain something else (oh, just getting a JP, he’s an atheist). I did the second. My baby sister is fond of the first (I’m an alcoholic was her bombshell).
In our family, the way to have big news go over like a lead balloon is to make a big deal out of it, or to put it in writing. With the first, they feel like they must have some sort of dramatic reaction. The second would be viewed as cold.
What you’re missing out on, here, is that all of those things you “don’t agree with” are part of the struggle to end anti-gay discrimination. One of the highest hurdles in the gay rights movement is simply visibility: you cannot tell if someone is gay just by looking at them, as you can with most other minority groups. This presents a twofold problem. First, it makes it much, much easier for people to consider gays as “others,” and an acceptable target for discrimination. Secondly, it makes it much more difficult for people still coming to grips with their sexuality to accept themselves, because they don’t have a readily recognizable peer group to identify with. The feelings of isolation this causes, particularly among teens, can be deadly.
I think you also have some pretty profound misconceptions about what “coming out” means. It is not a particularly grandiose notion. It’s not a big party with engraved invitations. Coming out means you stop self-editing yourself to make sure you’re using the “right” pronouns. It means you don’t check yourself before you mention your boyfriend. And it’s a lifelong process. Every time you meet someone new, and mention your sexuality, even in the most natural of contexts, you’re coming out. You may not mean it this way, but when you say people shouldn’t “come out,” what you’re really saying is that they should stay in the closet. Because that’s precisely what the term means: that’s what you’re coming out of.
You have the cart before the horse. It’s not the conversations that create the discrimination, its the discrimination that creates the conversations. If homosexuality ever truly becomes a non-issue in society, then these sorts of things will wither away on their own. Until that happens, though, these things are going to keep happening, because they’re a necessary reaction to the endemic bigotry of our society.
Pride parades are bit of a different animal, though, and are something that I dearly hope never go away. I think our culture as a whole would be diminished by their loss, much the same way we would be lessened if we stopped holding St. Patrick’s Day marches, or Cinco de Mayo parades.
My mom asked me if I was gay. I told two people after that and just waited for word to get around. I didn’t want to have some kind of weird, emotional conversation with all my friends. It felt a bit cowardly but it was really effective and I can’t believe how nice it is to just be out, I highly recommend it
I wasn’t going to tell my extended family, we’re not close and it’s not their business. My cousin who had recently come out cornered me at a family event and said she knew I was gay and would really appreciate it if I came out because the grandfolks were giving her grief.
As we were leaving the family gathering I had my grandfolks roll down the window of their car and I leaned in, “I’m gay, just thought you should know, have a good drive.” Grandma sputtered and Grandad just grinned, it was pretty funny and mercifully short - there’s something to be said for picking your moments.
There’s no one right way to come out and you’ll probably end up using several strategies. I didn’t tell my best friend (I was scared) and she was REALLY hurt to find out from other people. The people you are closest to deserve to hear it from you. Good luck!
This seems like the best approach to me, but I’m a pretty matter-of-fact person. I agree with telling one member of your family and letting it waft around, too - I use the family grapevine all the time.
I have an aunt who has lived with another woman (and her two kids) for about 30 years now, and she has never told the family if they are in a committed relationship or if they are just roommates. I wish she would come out to the family if she is gay - her partner would be welcome at family things if she is indeed her partner, but we’re all very much stuck in, “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
Why? Can’t the family invite her and the kids to gatherings and say “and of course you’ll want to bring [blank]” which will make it clear they understand where she fits into the scheme of things.
