It’s hard not to believe that you married this woman in part, because you enjoyed that feeling of superiority. Whether you could see it then, or acknowledge it now, or see it years from now.
It also seems that you have let this go to your head. So first, you need to stop being so arrogant about your superiority.
Next you married her and made babies, at the very least you need to help her move forward. Pay for her to go back to school, even if you need to rent a smaller place. Give her time and encouragement, accept it could take a couple starts, for her to find a path.
You need to stop judging her in this way. And you need to start telling her she’s smart if you want to see any positive change. Whenever she does something even moderately well. “Hey, that was pretty clever! I don’t know why you’re so convinced you’re not smart!” Like that. And you’ll have to keep it up for awhile before you and she both begin to believe it. No she may never been an engineer, but you can help her if you do so in a positive, non judgemental fashion.
That would require you changing your approach, dial back your ego, be nothing but positive without condescension and without creating tension or brow beating. It would take time and effort on your part. In fact, as much change in you as you are wishing for in her, at least.
I think you owe it to the person you swore forever to, at least making a concerted effort to reshaping the dynamic, but be prepared to put in the amount of personal change you’d wish her to manifest.
If, after that you can’t make it work, it’s time to think of divorce.
I’m going to make this quick because the OP hasn’t logged on in 4 days and probably will never be returning to this thread. But assuming he does, here’s my 2 cents. Your problems with your wife do NOT stem from your intelligence or her lack of intelligence.
Want to know what the problem is? I’ll highlight two quotes from your post:
You’ve grown apart from her. She’s grown apart from you. The two of you simply aren’t interested in the same things now.
How has it been for you OP? I am currently struggling in my marriage because my family’s situation is like the Titanic, sinking with an extremely incompetent but authoritarian, narcissistic and stupid “Captain” who insists on making all the decisions in our lives and work.
I am desperate to leave with the kids, but years of poor decision-making has left me with little financial resources despite both of us being well-educated architects.
My husband started his own firm but everyone has left, and I am supporting the design delivery to our client by the last barest and thinnest of thread.
I too, would like to leave.
Don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to work with him, but his delivery was rejected by angry clients, and it’s either refund the fees or I stepped in to deliver them.
Of course he blamed it all on me despite the fact that I work mostly from home as I have 2 children to mind and I have to take care of the home.
He is also a “nice” man, he doesn’t drink, party, etc, but he has a false sense of his own “genius”.
I am at my wits’ end. Our profession pays poorly, and it is only when we are doing our own office that we can earn decent wages to support living in this terribly expensive city we’re living in.
And yes, it’s also his decision to live here, despite us drowning and struggling.
I picture the OP’s wife saying “Sparky’s falling for my plan, I only have to play dumb a little longer and he’ll ask for a divorce. I’ll get custody of the kids and stood by him while he went to school, so with what an electrical engineer makes, I’ll get good child support and probably alimony. And he thinks I’m the dummy, HA!!”
BrainFog, I agree, don’t expect a response from the OP. Anyway, it sounds like you have a different problem than he had. The OP had a problem because his wife couldn’t hold intellectually stimulating conversation. Your husband has been making stupid decisions that affect you and your family.
I don’t know what you can do now, especially if he’s blaming problems on you and not listening to you. Are you going to therapy? Even if he won’t go with you (and I’m guessing he won’t), it might help you figure out what to say to him, or to get a game plan of what to do that will be best for you and your kids.
OP, I mean this in a friendly way, so please accept it that way. Is there really room for three in your marriage? You, your wife and your ego?
Learn to see her strengths. Learn to accept her weaknesses. I’m pretty sure she’s human and not a goddess, but, treating her like one might improve your life as much as hers.
Send her to the local community college,and challenge her to get an AA degree in something, doesn’t matter what, or even a certificate in some trade. Let her pick out whatever she wants to study. Be helpful and supportive. You’re might be holding her down, or maybe she feels that you have no confidence in her ability to fly. Give her a chance to feel like she has accomplished something on her own.
I don’t think this is an intelligence problem. If a woman is married, a mother of two kids, and is still a “partier,” that suggests immaturity or shallowness. Which is arguably worse than low intelligence.
That being said, the OP doesn’t sound like a pleasant spouse to have around, either.
This thread is old, and the OP no longer around. If anyone has a similar, current situation to discuss, by all means start another thread. I’m closing this one.