Relationship Opinion

I want to start by saying hello to everyone here. I’ve stumbled upon this message board as I was reading a thread about relationship problems in terms of having a partner you don’t consider equally intelligent or intelligent enough for your mental satisfaction.

As I was reading this thread where this guy was complaining about his wife and people having shared opinions , some being supportive on his divorce and others saying he doesn’t deserve his wife made me want to share my experience with you to get a sincere feedback, if possible.

To start, I’ll give some biographic information about myself: I’m an almost 22 year old guy in an undeveloped european country. When I was born, both my parents were in college years and when I was ten years old they divorced. In my family, everyone saw education a very important thing that means almost everything.
So, as you expected, I studied thoroughly until the point where my adolescence life became distructive. My mother tried to be a father and a mother at the same time; she did her best and always had faith in me.
I, then, failed her and start going out with the wrong people, start taking in recreational drugs as cocaine and mdma. I even had to repeat one year in highschool for the abscences I had.

After disappointing the entire family, and having a complete lack of trust from them I changed myself entirely. I got rid of all the bad influences in my life, started learning again. I was living an real make-over project: Changed my hairstyle, my clothes ( getting more serious ) , I scored in the top 1000 students with highest finishing highschool scores ( something like S.A.T.s in USA ).
I got myself in a state of mind where all I would look forward to is becoming a better person : having a better life, better girlfriend, better friends, better everything.

Having doing so, I’ve become more pretentious. I have went in casual relationships with a lot of women and never having the will to stay more than 1-2 months with each. Or so it was, until 2014 when I’ve met my actual girlfriend.

She is a very attractive woman, a part-time model. What made me so interested, I think ( because I am an very analytical person ) was the fact that she was so hurt and just finished an 3year relationship with her ex. She was so heart-broken that I’ve set a goal in my mind that I will make her terribly fall in love with me.

In just one month I’ve met all her family, moved in with her, did a lot of romantic gestures that could be considered part-grand gestures and I nagged about her behavior. She is an ill-tempered person, being very susceptible to aggressive impulses because of her emotive self. She had a lot of fights in her family and psychologically it’s easy to observe she has an daddy issue going on.
Nevertheless she has a list of qualities as well ( as any of us have ) being a very thoughtfull, caring girl , her first priority being getting happily married and having a kid

I started wondering if I am not a kind of person who isn’t satisfied with his situation in any given point of his life because:

At first I was complaining she doesn’t love me as much as she should or as she loved the other guy ( when I was treating her in a way that guy never treated her - the guy had a foul language, was aggresive and distructive to her - He was an 23 old guy and she was 16 y old when they hooked up. [ absurd to me , when I think about it ] .

Then 3 months in our relationship she saw him and chose me instead of him. I caught her meeting with her and I told her I don’t accept feeling other than the first choice on her agenda. She cried and begged for me to give her another chance because she didn’t do anything and I did.
She was then the most loving person I could think of.

Time passed and with time moving forward , the way I saw her changed. I started noticing a lot of things that I truly don’t like and was considering it will pass as they were a result of the wrong relationship she had in the past.

I started thinking she is not smart enough for me to be with her. She was asking stupid questions she knew the answer to like "Friday is written with an “i” and a “y” ? and became a nuisance because of this.
I started thinking how could I have a serious relationship that will eventually turn into a marriage with a person who cannot think about herself and doing something with her life. She doesn’t have motivation or interest in any field to do something , not something big, at least something. All she dreams of is becoming a Victoria Secret Angel .
As I read the lines above it might seem I am living with some very stupid girl, but she’s smart in some sort of ways but completely lacks interest in life and knowledge.

I am 22 years old , in my last year of college studying political sciences and law. I’ve worked since I was 16: I was a bartender, I was and am a graphic designer and currently am an food safety consultant , being also the marketing director of the family firm. She blames me that I started undergoing a lot of projects and don’t give her enough attention. I really feel exhausted and don’t like talking to her so much because I feel like I won’t get understood on an deeper level.

I am no doughebag or a–hole like the other people from the other thread told the married guy. I am trying to figure out what should I do about the situation at hand because:

a) She is an very loyal and devoted partner who wants to be a loving mother , a good wife ( something rare these days )
b)A crucial attribute of hers is that she is very attractive and beautiful.
C) I wonder if I’m not also a hard person to love because of my pretentious self.

I surely am knowing the answers to all my possible questions, but I feel like many good things may come from having interactions with people and talking about an issue. Maybe some of you will bring up questions that will get me good answers that will change my perspective.

Figure out what you need from a relationship, and what qualities are most important to you in a partner. If X is important to you and you think less of people who don’t X, that’s going to be a problem.

My older brother is extremely bright. His wife, well not so much. She makes mostly bad decisions about high ticket items and he goes along with it. Never the less he has been happily married over 50 years and I am certain he has no regrets. Different things work for different people.

To be honest, you come off as a little abrasive to me. You’ve got some serious blind spots going on.

So let me say this: If you see her as inferior, do both her, and yourself a favor and break it off. Relationships rarely work when when the respect for each other isn’t mutual.
Circling back to your blind spots, I worry that you may have trouble finding your intellectual equal, as your opinion of yourself seems to be quite high. Good luck with that. And maybe try using some of that “superior” intellect of yours to weigh the pros and cons of taking yourself too seriously. Because really, it’s lonely at the top.

I thank you for taking time into reading my post. I appreciate it.

@Lowdown: that pretty much sums it all up. On point!

@HoneyBadgerDC: I’m still young and I don’t know what works for me on the long run

@Grrr!: I understand why I seem as abrasive.I indeed see her inferior to myself, but I also have respect for her. Respect for her ideas that I don’t agree with, for her traditional outview on life.
I ain’t the brightest mind, nor do I consider myself superior to others, in general.I never compare myself to others , just compare my present me to the one in the past. The problem isn’t in her becoming equal to me or superior to me, it’s in her wanting to become superior to her actual state she’s in.

I didn’t see it as abrasive as much as I did someone trying to be as honest with themselves as they can before making a decision about something.

To be honest, I don’t think either one of you is ready for a serious relationship that will result in marriage. However, since you specifically asked about yourself, I’ll limit my comments to you.

You talk about how, when you first met, you pursued her and won her over as if you were a hunter and she was a prize.

You obviously don’t think she’s your intellectual equal. You are clearly an ambitious, striving person, and you find her unambitious and uncurious.

You talk about how she wants to be a loving mother and good wife, but you don’t say anything about your wanting to make changes in your life to become a good husband and father.

You comment on her physical beauty several times. If she were not beautiful, would you find her personality appealing? Would you want to hang out with her?

How many other serious relationships have you had with women? You’re 22 years old and she’s beautiful. That’s a powerful combination but not a particularly good foundation for a marriage.

Finish your studies, establish yourself in a career, examine what you want in your personal life, and find a woman who doesn’t make you “don’t like talking to her so much because I feel like I won’t get understood on an deeper level.”

Actually, I would agree with you that we aren’t ready ( because I am not ) , but she is illusionally thinking of that and for sure can see herself married to me and actually wouldn’t mind getting pregnant right now.

I really was an hunter and she was a conquest. As an relatively young man there are different specific features like this one that are quite common.
I didn’t say anything like the changes I want to make in my life to become a good husband or father because I do not want to make changes in that direction with her. I think I will make those respective changes if the right person comes along ( make me want to change )

If she weren’t beautiful I wouldn’t find her personality appealing. Sincerely, in the present situation it balances the pros and cons. I may sound shallow/superficial, but it is not the case: I had relationships with women that didn’t look quite that good but had an incredible personality and character.
I guess I am mostly an eclectic person which likes what is to be liked.

Serious relationships. 2. Casual relationships 30

What sort of feedback are you looking for? You admit that just about the only reason you stay with her is her physical beauty. You don’t want to marry her and you certainly don’t want to change anything about yourself for her.

It seems to me you’ve done an excellent job of evaluating your situation. Now, if you have any sense of decency at all, you’ll break up with her so she can find a man who loves her.

What sort of feedback are you looking for? You admit that just about the only reason you stay with her is her physical beauty. You don’t want to marry her and you certainly don’t want to change anything about yourself for her.

I was looking for a feedback in the case of how could I motivate her to become a better person ( or wanting to at least ) . I know you cannot make a person do a thing without them wanting to in the first place , but probably I wished to hear opinions and experiences from others.

I am indeed emphasising on the physical attributes but I also do like other things about her. We also have a great connection in bed.

There are only two problems to solve in motivating anyone to do anything; they have to want to do it and they have to know that it is possible.

So that’s it. If you can find the right reason she’ll try. “I think you are inferior,” probably isn’t it. If you can convince her that her wish is achievable she’ll be motivated. Once again, “I really feel exhausted and don’t like talking to you so much because I feel like I won’t get understood on an deeper level,” probably doesn’t give the desired boost.

Loss of motivation means wrong reason or lack of belief.

As an example over the last few years I have got quite a few people to take up reading again. Usually as a result of comments like, “I wish I read more.” I suggest that people start a habit of keeping a book by the bed and on waking read 10 pages. Takes about 10 minutes and you read one book a month. That rates you in the top 25% of readers each year. For a couple maybe one reads it first, then the other and you can discuss the book afterwards. But see how easy the set up is - they want to do it and the daily moving of the bookmark proves that it can be done.

Great feedback! Thank you!

Just remember that looks will fade, but personality is likely forever.

My mother always said that marriage is not a reform school.

Also, at age 22 you are likely to mature into a somewhat different person. When young people marry, they often grow in different directions. Be careful.

Dating a woman who wouldn’t mind getting pregnant after a month together seems fraught with danger.

I hereby take issue with the 2nd part of your supposition. Decided to start a new thread/poll tho to address it…

I might have been misunderstood, in the present situation after being for 18 months in a relationship has this feeling. In the first month she didn’t think of that.

You should move on from this relationship. You already acknowledged that you do not want to be in relationship with her. Let her go. Grow up a bit more, and then look for someone that is compatible with you, as opposed to trying to save someone and be their knight in shining armor.