“…I don’t even care if she talks to me. All that matters to me is that I’m physically attracted to her and she is nice.”
A guy I have been dating for a month or so told me this on Sunday. This actually wasn’t the first time he said this; during our first date, he expressed something similar. Except that time, he wasn’t talking about himself per se but rather what he thought men in general want from women. Or “females” as he frequently refers to them.
He maintained that as long as he has football and guy friends, he doesn’t have a need to seek out deep conversation with the woman he’s seeing. It is enough for her to sit there and be quiet in his company or listen to him talk.
Obviously, hearing him express this view point has turned me off and I am no longer seeing him. I can’t even remember how we got on that subject, but the fact that this is the second he has brought this up has sealed in my mind that we have radically different value systems (on top of the sexism). There are other issues that have me turned off him, but this is the nail in the coffin.
Women of the Dope, have you ever heard a guy voice this sentiment to you? If so, what was your reaction to it? I haven’t ruled out the possibility that there may be women out there who would be fine with their mate having such a preference.
Men of the Dope, any there any among you who either share this sentiment or see nothing bothersome with it to the extent that you can’t grok why a woman would be turned off by it?
Ok - I might come off as a sexist pig, but I don’t think he is far off what most guys want. IMHO - women are way more picky than men (in general). One of women I was matched up with on eHarmony - actually stated “I don’t think I’m being too picky - I just want a guy like Russell Crowe from Gladiator - strong, …”
I have dated women that were super bright - and some - well not so bright. I can’t say I was ATTRACTED to the smart ones any greater than the not so smart, but I was happier in the relationship with the smarter women.
So on the one hand it’s revolting and I cannot imagine dating someone with that attitude.
On the other hand, I can imagine folks who aren’t interested in much more than sex, and if they want to get together and get jiggy without giving a crap about their partner’s brains, that’s their business, just as if they want to put on squirrel costumes first or whatever.
But it sounds like he’s got deeper problems than that, sounds like he in general has trouble seeing women as intellectual people–am I reading it right?
It depends on what my intentions are and how you define intelligence. Am I looking for a mate or looking for a mating? If I insist that she be a reasonable, competent adult but don’t care that she can’t answer a single Jeopardy! question, does that count as “caring if she’s intelligent”?
I agree - people can’t help what they are attracted to. I think some guys are brutally honest. Also - there is probably a range of people he is exposed to. Same with me. I rally don’t think I care if a woman has an IQ of 115 vs 130 (for example). There is so much more to what makes a person - and a relationship.
Yes, except I would take out the “intellectual” qualifier and just leave it at people.
Whenever he’d describe in generalities the subjects women talk about, he’d always use adjectives like “mundane”, “unimportant”, or “boring”. But somehow the stuff that he’d talk about–like how stupid jaywalkers are or football–were not only NOT “mundane” etc. They were apparently so important that he’d have to frequently bring up these subjects even though I had very little to say about them.
The irony is that, on the whole, we have had some fairly interesting conversations. Even our text correspondence has been lively and engaging. We have a similar sense of humor and my dry wit has brought him to laughter many times. But when he talks about his preferences, he seems to go out of his way to point that a “female’s” internal attributes mean nothing to him.
A part of me wonders if he thinks he’s complimenting me with this. As if I’m dying to hear that he is drawn to my looks, because women only care about looking pretty.
It goes beyond intelligence. Even if I was with a man who was slower and/or more ignorant than me, I would still want someone who can hold a conversation and talk to me about themselves. Them being less intelligent or whatever wouldn’t stop me from being curious about them, their experiences, or their opinions.
So while I can kind of understand being indifferent to intelligence, I don’t understand not wanting 2-way conversation with your mate.
Men are from Mars has some gross oversimplifications, but as with any stereotypes there are some truths to the fact that many guys talk differently than many women. However, to think that your stuff is important and the other’s is fluff shows a remarkable lack of self awareness. *Telling *someone directly shows a a remarkable lack of social skills and foresight, especially if having a relationship is an objective.
It goes without saying that if you are only looking for sex, your standards are going to reflect that. But its still stupid to talk about these standards and expect this announcement will work in your favor. Even a prostitute can live without knowing her john could care less about her hobbies or her favorite kind of music.
At any rate, the guy was not talking about a sex only thing. He was talking about what he was looking for in the context of a relationship.
I’m not trying to belittle the disappointment you had to feel listening to him, but how on EARTH did you not just burst into laughter in his face when he opened his mouth and vomited this stuff out? You’re a better woman than I am by far because it would have been at least a minute before I’d be able to answer him without laughing.
At least you found out kind of early into the situation. Bless his heart for being up front about it.
Intelligence is an inborn trait, just like looks. I mean, one can try to educate one’s self, and if that works out, great, but real intelligence can sometimes be a gift that one just can’t possess. I know a lot of dumb people who try to sharpen their mind to no avail. I dated one once. He was really dumb, and he read a LOT. He was an Afrocentrist, and he read tons of stuff, fancied himself “well-researched” and the boy was just dumb. I liked him anyway. He was good-hearted and he very handsome and very talented. So, I don’t think it’s a deal-breaker if a man decides that a woman doesn’t have to be smart to be with him.
In YWTF’s case, though, it seems like the guy is just straight up sexist, which isn’t excusable.
I was actually more disappointed in myself for giving him a pass the first time he showed me the inner workings of his mind. The “females” garbage also should have sent me running as soon as it became clear he was using this term without irony, but like a dumbass, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Nah, don’t be. Some people don’t realize how they come off. I have a friend who uses male and female when referring to the sexes and he honestly doesn’t mean a thing by it.
You gave him the benefit of the doubt in case he misspoke, was nervous, or just uses poor phrasing. I think that’s admirable, not anything to be disappointed by. As soon as he showed you his real mentality you packed it in and headed out. Sounds to me like you handled it well.
And hey, if that way of thinking is how he really feels and he’s secure about it more power to him. I honestly do give him credit for just coming out and saying it instead of playing games. He might find a woman who is OK with that and willing to accept whatever he brings to the relationship. I guess it really does take all kinds.