I may be a winner!

[Genghis_Bob]

But I’m too lazy to find out what I’ve won. Here’s the official-looking prize notification e-mail I’ve received:

INTERNATIONAL SWEEPSTAKES JACKPOT LOTTERY AND PROMOTIONS
KHORHOSTRAAT155,
AMSTERDAM,
THE NETHERLANDS.

FROM: THE DESK OF THE MANAGING DIRECTOR
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT,
SCFN: ABN/5333/025648/03UA.
BATCH:245/2002/GWK

Attn:

We are pleased to inform you of the release today the 15th of December
2004
of the INTERNATIONAL SWEEPSTAKES JACKPOT LOTTERY AND PROMOTIONS ,
NETHERLANDS held on 13th December 2004.

Your email address attached to the Ticket No:1001-55896542-5899 with
Serial
No: 6666/05 drew from the Lucky No:02-22-00-66-99-85-52-12-36-50, which
consequently won the lottery in the FIRST category.

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of ONE MILLION
UNITED STATE DOLLARS (US$1,000,000.00) in cash credited to security
file
number ABN/5333/025648/03UA.This is from a total cash prize
of US$4 Million shared among four individuals in this category.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!.

Your funds is now deposited with our Payment/Finance Department in the
security company to your name ,Due to the mixed up of some numbers and
names, we ask that you keep this winning a top secret from the public
notice until your claims has been processed and remitted to your
account as
this is apart of the security protocol, to avoid double claiming or
unwarranted taking advantage of this program by participants.

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn
from
the 500,000 company/individal email addresses from all over the world
as
part of our international promotions program, which we conduct every
decade.
We hope with a part of winnings ,you will take part in our end of year
stake
USD$20million International Lottery Programme.

TO begin your claims, please contact your claim agent in
DR.ERIK VAN WATER (Director of operations).
TEL.0031-619-026-708
Email: infojackpot2004@netscape.net

For processing and remittance of your cash to a designated account of
your
choice. Remember,all winnings must be claim not later than December
30th
2004, After this date,All unclaims funds will be returned to the
promotion
company.

NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please
remember to quote your security credicted file number and batch numbers
respectively in every correspondence with your claim agent.

Furthermore, should there be any change of your address, do inform your
claim agent as soon as possible.

Congratulations once again from all members of our staff and thank you
for
being part of our promotions programme.

Yours sincerely,
MRS.SONIA STAPPERS(promotion manager).

. . . and here’s my reply:

How exciting! I never win anything.

As I am a victim of Attention Deficit Disorder, I
cannot be bothered to read your entire e-mail. Please
be so good as to deliver my prize, whatever it is, to
me at my home address, clenched tightly between the
butt-cheeks of your virgin daughter.

Thank you very much.

[Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup]

They can’t DO that!

Are you insane?
As you would know, had you read the e-mail, their virgin daughter is actually the wife of the REAL queen of the Netherlands, and she can’t come out of hiding lest she be taken into custody and tortured by the current despotic regime! Besides, she’s got e-mails to write if she’s going to get her family’s rightful fortune out of that war-torn land alive!
Good GOD, man. Have you no HEART?

[don_t_ask]

I think you misread it - You May Be a Whiner - and I think they are right.

[Genghis_Bob]

@don't ask

I think you misread it - You May Be a **Whiner ** - and I think they are right.

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

[Casey1505]

we ask that you keep this winning a top secret from the public

Look for the “We regret to inform you that you have been disqualified” e-mail shortly.

[Jenaroph]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!.

Your funds is now deposited with our Payment/Finance Department in the
security company to your name ,Due to the mixed up of some numbers and
names, we ask that you keep this winning a top secret from the public
notice until your claims has been processed and remitted to your
account as
this is apart of the security protocol, to avoid double claiming or
unwarranted taking advantage of this program by participants.

Yeah, I love it.

“Congratulations, you’re a winner! We have an account full of money for you! But, um, we mixed up some names of winners, but YOU’RE a winner, anyway, we’re sure of that, 'cause we’ve got money reserved under YOUR NAME, even though we mixed up some names, y’know; it was really kinda sloppy of us, losing track of the winners of our lottery and all, but we had to announce the winners NOW, even though we haven’t gotten all the winners straightened out yet, sorry about that, so don’t tell anyone just in case you’re not a WINNER, but you are, of course; so as soon as you give us your mother’s maiden name, social security and back account numbers for our records we can get the whole mess straightened out, and then you can tell the world what a WINNER you are.”

[KRC]

Hey, don’t worry, at least you didn’t lose your 10th cousin 5 times removed in an auto accident in Nigeria several times. When I get that 10 million I’m going to use
it to repair those potholes in the Nigerian roads.

[Genghis_Bob]

Will my good fortune never cease! This morning, I received an e-mail from Dr. Pascal Akala, informing me that I stand to benefit from 25% of $26 million that he wants to, um, well, “do something with”. Again, I haven’t actually read the whole thing, on account of there’s so many words. But it sounds really lucrative.

Once can’t be too careful, though. So I set a trap, to cleverly ascertain if he is indeed . . . a real doctor!

My e-mail:

Dear Dr. Pascal Akala,

Thank you for your letter. I will be pleased to help you with your situation.

As a token of your good faith (you never can be too careful, you know), I respectfully ask that you prove your medical credentials by providing me with free
medical advice. Specifically, I have an irritating itching sensation, accompanied by a rash with raised bumps, in my “area of utmost privacy and discretion”.
I will be happy to acquiesce to your wishes upon receipt and successful application of your advice for remediation of this socially embarassing and potentially career-limiting malady.

*That * should trip him up, if he’s not really who he represents himself to be!

[Genghis_Bob]

This will grow old, quickly. Still, as long as it’s fun . . .

Here’s the response I just sent to Davies Omane of Nigeria:

I can help you!

But first, I have a few questions about procedure: Do I need to have a bank account? Do I need power of attorney over my own financial affairs? Must I be over 18? How about 15? Will I be required to wear pants? Will I be home before the streetlights come on? Will I have to share? How many forks will there be? Will there be a finger-bowl? What if I slurp my soup? Must I tie my own tie? May I wear a clip-on? May I wear a dress? Do you need my social security number? Do you need my address? My phone number? My shoe size? My inseam? What are you wearing? Will travel be involved? Will there be strip-searches? Will my luggage be under my control at all times? Will strange people give me something to carry? Will strange people give me their phone numbers? Will strange people give me a hickey? Do you have attorneys? Do you have operators standing by? Do you have any fucking clue who you’re dealing with? Do you think I’m stupid enough to fall for this crap? Did you hear that? Do you smell something funny? Do you believe in the Easter Bunny? Do you believe in Free Will? Did you see Free Willy? Do you know Slick Willy? Will you say hi for me?