I mean really, would you?

In My Humble Opinion
21

So you are channel surfing at three am and see this…

<applause as Ron Popiel hits the stage>

Did you know that at some point in their lives, most men will experience erectile disfunction? When it does it’s good to know that there’s " Ronco’s Boner in a Can".

Can we get a volunteer from the audience? You Sir, what’s your name?

“Keith”

Have you ever had a problem getting it up?

“No”

Many men are embarassed to admit to erectile disfunction.

“But…”

Here, drink this.

“Okay… yummmm… what is that, chocolate?”

Yes, Boner in a Can comes in three wonderful flavours, vanilla, chocolate, and beer.

“Can I try the beer flavour?”

Sure, here you go…

“That’s really good. Hey, I think I’m getting a boner here”.

Yes you are, I can actually see it getting larger right before my eyes. See folks, it’s just that easy. Just one can and you are on your way to having a boner that will be the envy of all your friends and a delight to your partner. You’ll be able to keep it up for hours on end and your partner will think she’s married to a porn star. Marathon sex will become a reality. You do have a partner don’t you?

“Yes, but she’s away for a few days…”

A few days? Ron looks panicky

“Yeah, she went to visit her sister, Ron… how long does this last?”

<to audience>
How much do you think a product like this is worth? $199.00, $149.99, $99.99?

Would you believe that through this special T.V. offer you can get a three month supply of Boner in a can for three easy payments of $19.99?

<audience applauds>

And if you order now I’ll even throw in a set of steak knives, free!

<more applause>

“Screw the steak knives Ron, what am I going to do about this?”

Here’s some naked pictures of Bea Arthur… does that help?

“No, for the love of God make it stop”

<to audience>
But that’s not all, for the first 1000 callers we’ll throw in the bestselling book, “The Joys of Masturbation” and some porno videos but you must order now.

<audience applauds wildly>

Just dial 1-800-big-dick, that’s 1-800-224-3425, operators are standing by…

"Ron… there’s no blood left in my head, I can’ blink either. You said this was safe when I took the job… "

Keith collapses on the stage

Is the tape still running? It’s a good thing we’re not live. This is the fourth take already. Get this guy to a hospital and make sure he gets his cheque and his lifetime supply of Boner in a Can, okay?

22

I’d like to do one for crabs.Maybe have a guy dressed up like the Gortons fisherman hand me the medicine.

23

For enough money I would wear a t-shirt with a picture of myself having sex with a flaming goat in the middle of a football field during the halftime show at the Super Bowl.

24

I’d act in any sort of commercial ad. However there are only a select few products I’d personally endorse. For that it would have to be something I use myself (and none of the above apply). To spell it out, it’s the difference between being an anonymous pitchman and coming out and saying, “Hi, I’m JBirdman 12, and I drink Budweiser beer because it’s cheap but not too cheap.”

25

I’d like to do an Herbal Essences commercial. I bet I can fake a female orgasm better than most females on the Board.

26

For enough money, I’d take those products.

I’d need help with swallowing some of them though.

27

Good lord Pergau! You don’t take tampons orally! :smiley:

jarbaby

28

What?!

Why didn’t you tell me before I ruined five pairs of jeans? And tampons are so…binding. I’ve been backed up for weeks!

For what it’s worth, those plastic applicators go down much easier than the cardboard.

29

Hi. manhattan here for Playtex brand tampons.

Ladies, you know that a lot of men are squeamish about going into the store and buying tampons for you. But do you know why?

Because they’re yuppie-trash sissy non-men, that’s why! A real man knows that Playtex brand tampons are far and away the best product ever invented for cleaning carburetor intakes and some other hard-to-reach parts of your car or motorcycle. They ought to sell the damn things at Pep boys!

But since they don’t, if your man refuses to stroll right up to the counter at your local drug store and proudly ask for Playtex brand tampons, than he is a euro-weenie who drives a car with a fuel injector. Like a Porsche. And you know what they say about men who have to drive a Porsche, don’t you? Or worse yet, your man takes his car to a mechanic. I don’t even want to think about what they say about that.

Clearly, this is not the man for a woman like you. You can do better. Dump him right away, and find yourself a man who cleans his own carb and who prefers Playtex brand tampons.

30

I see TVeblen and I are the only ones with principles here. I will not prostitute myself to Madison Avenue for any amount of money.

I am, however, available for “public-service announcements” reminding lusty teenagers of the importance of using protection when having sex. I can play the washed-up male prostitute that stares into the camera with a haggard look and says in funereal tones “my penis is but a shadow of its former glory, black, shrivelled and limp. If you want to keep yours pink, healthy and happy, wear one of these!” Then I hold up a condom featuring a picture of Curly from the 3 Stooges.

31

Sure, I got no problem with doing them, for a fee of course.
**

  1. Incontinence products like Poise or Depends?**
    Saw the “Oops I crapped my pants” commercial on SNL, I could do that.

2. Viagra or an herbal remedy for the same results?
It’s just acting.

3. Tampon or maxi-pad commercial?
Had to go to store and buy these for former girlfriend, slightly embarassing, but hey, they knew they weren’t for me.

4. Yeast infection ad?
Again, it’s just acting. “Guys the sooner this thing clears up the sooner the playground gets reopened.”

5. Herpes medication advert?
Hey, sucka’s gotta know, and I’m just the one to tell em.

Where do I sign up?

32

I would do all of these for the standard pay actors get for these commercials, which is A LOT. I would kill for a gig selling tampons. It is actually kind of funny because just last night someone asked me if I would be willing to do a tampons ad and I told them “Hell YA! Do you know how much those people get payed!” With that kind of money, college tuition would be an issue of the past. There is but one thing that I could never bring myslef to do. I could never be one of those “older friends” on shows like Barney or Blues Clue’s. Those shows require more stupid acting then I am capable of doing. I could, oddly enough, do Sesame Street though.

33

Amen to that, sister! Just another reason Veb’s my favorite mod.

I count myself lucky that my happiness doesn’t rely on whether or not I’ve been able to go or not. I’ve noticed that James Brown has been looking lighter. I guess that the added weight of the soul he sold to Satan made him look heavier. I mean, how else could he sleep at night knowing his greatest hit is being used to push laxative.

To the OP

  1. Incontinence products like Poise or Depends? Sure

  2. Viagra or an herbal remedy for the same results? Sure

  3. Tampon or maxi-pad commercial? Sure, if they want a guy.

  4. Yeast infection ad? Sure, same as 3.

  5. Herpes medication advert? Sure

As far as compensation goes, I’d do it for whatever they wanted to give me. I’m not greedy.

34

(hehehe) Quote from manhattan: “…find yourself a man who cleans his own carb…”
I’m adding this to my list of masturbation euphemisms (hey, a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste!)

35

Yeesh. Another attempt to appear more manly, extinguished and crushed like a cigarette butt under the stiletto of a woman.

Maybe I should switch teams.

36

But,manhattan, you should be proud. Adding to the list of masturbation euphemisms (henceforth known as ME’s)is quite an accomplishment at this point.

37

Who cares about the money? It’s a matter of how much the commercial sucks, and most of them do. A lot. For that matter, so do the shows. I’d be more likely to do a print ad than a tv ad.

38

Heck, I’ll walk around the same way. It would be most effective on me now, since I’ve had the hysterectomy and all…

I think that I’d do any of the commercials, though I’d do a Diflucan commercial for less money. I’d say that Diflucan is a godsend, if only I weren’t an atheist. It’s MUCH nicer to just take one pill, rather than apply cream for a week.

Oh, and guys…you can get yeast infections too. So there. :stuck_out_tongue:

39

utre

40

OOPS, sorry about that - dropped something on the keyboard.