I need advice on dealing with a friend.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Financially, my friends are in better shape then we are. They own a home and two new cars, etc. we rent a trailer, we own a new cheap car and a used car.

None of this has ever been a problem until recently. Over the past year my friend’s husband has been a little strange every time we’ve seen him, not very friendly and almost seeming like he thinks he’s better then we are.

This weekend, they came up for a visit. All he did was complain about everything, he complained that it was hot and we should have air conditioning, he complained that it was raining out, he complained that the kids got dirty playing outside, he complained because we don’t have a swing set, you get the idea here.

He was also very rude. After a little while, he just crashed on the couch and fell asleep. When he woke up, my husband was trying to be friendly and talk to the guy, but he just went outside with the kids. When they decided to leave, he practically ran out of here.

I just got an overwhelming feeling that he really didn’t want to be here, and it made me feel bad about my house and myself.

We also had another family up at the time and they were fine, friendly and polite, the kids all played together and they stayed later. This guy made them uncomfortable too.

The guy’s wife, who has been my friend for years, will not come up to visit by herself because she’s afraid of highway driving, and I’m a little tired of making the two hour drive all the time.

How can I make this guy a little more comfortable in my home ?

2

Well, I hate to say it, but air conditioning is a standard thing that people are used to just about everywhere. Maybe you could buy a small window unit so it won’t be so hot when you’re visiting with people. I once went to a couple’s house and it was 105 degrees. They HAD THE WINDOWS SHUT SO AS NOT TO LET THE HOT AIR IN. It made no sense, and I was stuck there for HOURS. It was awful.

I don’t understand the part about the dirty kids though. Kids go out and play and they get dirty. There’s no other kind of kids!!! And it certainly wasn’t your fault that his kids got dirty. Maybe your friend can come up with someone else next time, and leave Mr. Crabby-Pants at home.

3

Now that’s just rude of him, and I don’t think anything you do is going to make him more comfortable. What that guy needs is a Miss Manners book.

You live in this place, without AC, so it’s obviously not unbearably hot. (I assume you have fans to provide some relief.) I would suggest that if he complains about how hot is is inside, move everyone to lawn chairs outside. Betcha it’s hotter out there than inside, with fans stirring the air around. I don’t believe that AC is standard, except for in southern areas. Even back when I wasn’t poor, I lived in several homes in the midwest with no AC. (Or you could suggest, with a very innocent look, that if he really wants you to have air conditioning, perhaps he would like to contribute to the air condition fund… No, that wouldn’t be very polite, I suppose. ;))

He complained that it was raining? Well, soooo sorry! You can’t control that.

The kids got dirty playing outside? I want to know where he lives, that outside doesn’t contain dirt. And if there’s dirt within a ten-mile radius, kids will find it, in my experience. Hey, my kid gets dirty playing indoors, sometimes!

It sounds as if he was just looking for things to complain about, and it’s certainly no slam against you, personally. Nonetheless, it’s horribly rude. Perhaps your friend could have a little chat with her husband about manners and other people’s hospitality? If she’s a close friend, you could gently mention that he didn’t seem to enjoy the visit very much and that some of his comments hurt your feelings.

I don’t think it’s your responsibility to try to make him happy; if he can’t manage to be a gracious guest, that’s his problem, not yours. The whole point of visiting friends is the company, not the surroundings. It seems that everybody else had a good time, so your hostessing lacked nothing.

4

Hi, I´m new here (been lurking awhile) and english is not my first language, so please be kind.
AC is not very common here in Sweden, so a common advice when it is hot outside is to keep the windows closed and curtains drawn. It makes sense if it´s warmer outside than inside, I mean why would you want the hotter air outside to be let inside?

5

I would take the matter up with your friend. Focus on how it made you feel rather than that the guy was a jerk (which he was). Since she spends more time with him, she may have some perspecive on why he is morphing into such a whiner. She may know the best way to bring the subject up with her immature husband to minimize it happening in the future.

6

Egh,

I think you’re gonna have to have an up front talk with the guy. Mostly get him on the topic and then listen really. I’d bet he’s feeling forced by the wife to go to your place which makes him even more resentful and prone to complaining.

Chances are he doesn’t want to be that guy, but he’s got little other means of preserving his ego.

Personally, I think a man should be able to suck up a little discomfort and not whine about it. That’s the upside of being socialized to deny your feelings. Maybe if you refer to him as female genitalia he’ll get the picture?

One of the worst things a man can be is whiny. Poor guy, no one understands the cross he bears. Ask him about it.

7

yeah, Swiring that’s right. Not everywhere in the world has AC.
In fact in Tokyo the running of too many ACs has caused hot air to collect over the city raising tempatures and causing terrible thunderstorms which flood the city. (um I saw this in a documentary, no first hand knowledge)
And a well insulated building can be kept cool by closing windows and here’s the important part DRAPES no sunlight. In the evening the windows can be opened.

Air circulation is important though. Fan positioning is an art I learned from my dad.

Dragongirl:

Don’t ever let someone make you feel bad about where you live.

Invite him and your friend again. Enjoy her and the kids’ company.
And don’t let him make you feel bad. Perhaps he felt out of place and had to be a jerk to make himself feel better, his problem not yours.
Be thoughtful and considerate of your guests even the jackasses. If he’s complaining about it perhaps you can offer him something cooler to wear or some cool water to put his feet in. No seriously, it helps. Or maybe the offer will make him lighten up a little.

besides is it easier to drive up there for a few hours or to let him be a jerk for a while in your castle.

8

Thank´s for the info about AC in Tokyo, is AC now illegal to use there due to this?

It seems as if your woman friend´s husband (is that correct, the term girlfriend sounds to me as someone you are dating:-) ) is a bit of a snob or acting as a spoiled child. Don´t let that get you down, he isn´t worth that. I agree with what parlo americano posted. I suppose you can try to “kill him with kindness” or just ignore him and concentrate on your friend and theír children. He has no reason to be rude to someone who invites him.

9

I suppose it would be in bad form to ask him if he was planning on manners for his next purchase.

Unfortunatly, I think you may wind up loosing your friend. It is almost impossible to confront these kind of problems without putting the person in the middle in the possition of having to choose. When it comes to a spouse question the friend looses.

10

Nope. I live in the mountains of North Carolina, and most of the homes that I’ve been in don’t have AC. With fans and open windows, it stays pretty comfortable.

Frankly, dragongirl, your friend’s husband sounds like a dick. After that performance, he wouldn’t be welcome in my home again. You might want to suggest that they stay in a hotel next time they visit. Your friend and her kids can hang out at your place, and her husband can sit in an air-conditioned hotel room by himself.

11

Who the hell complains that it’s raining?? What are you going to do, turn off the rain?

Wouldn’t be asked back to my place. I’m the sort of outspoken person who would say to my friend, “You’re still my friend and all, but your man acted like an ass, and he’s not allowed in my house.” I have done this before, as a matter of fact, when my friend was dating someone who I knew to be a scumbag. I told her in no uncertain terms that he was not to enter my house, even to pick her up (I knew that this guy was a thief, liar, etc etc), and she and I remained friends with him outside the picture.

If you’re not the kind who just says things like that, then my advice won’t help you much. :slight_smile: Just seems to me like the type of situation where tact isn’t a nessecity because it wasn’t given to me.

12

I’m curious about the broader context. I wonder why there would have been such a change in what was, if I read the OP correctly, a heretofore nice guy. You might ask your friend, the wife, if there is a problem. If he was that obviously rude, then it may very well be possible that she was horrified by his behavior. Maybe he’s having issues that she’s putting up with at home. It might be uncomfortable, but not necsessarily rude to ask if anything is up because he’s been acting a little strange.

Or he could just be a dick.

13

dragongirl

It MIGHT not of been anything about his experience at your house…could of been him playing long-suffering hubby to get something he wants from his wife

Him showing HER he was willing to go to HER friends’ home so now SHE has to allow something HE wants later

Kids do that kind of thing all the time…he’s sounds very childish so…

That said even if that were so it was unconscionably rude behavior toward you and your family

I hope in the future you can arrange someway to get together with your friend without HIM

Good luck!

14

Swiring, that makes sense if you live in Sweden, where it doesn’t often get all that hot. I used to live in Denmark, and ran into the same reasoning. It doesn’t work too well in areas of the US where it routinely gets to be 100 degrees and up, however. If it’s really hot outside, and especially if there are no tall trees to shade the house (as is so common here in the land of modern tract housing), the inside will quickly become stuffy and hot. Fans will help, but at some point it can become just as warm or warmer inside than it is outside, and then it’s better to open the windows and let a breeze or two through. Stuffy, hot rooms are way worse than slightly-less-stuffy hot rooms with the windows open.

15

If it was so hot how did he manage to sleep? I can’t sleep when it’s too hot. Seems like he just didn’t want to be there, maybe he wanted to watch a ball game or something & his wife dragged him along.

16

Um, yes, it makes sense. You close up all the windows to keep the heat and the humidity out, and then you close all the curtains and the shades so it’s dark-no greenhouse effect. THEN, you put the fans on.

My grandmother does that, and we did that before whe had AC. And for crying out loud, not EVERYONE can afford to have AC, you know.

:rolleyes:

Either way, the guy was a total jerk. I wouldn’t worry about making him comfortable, I’d worry about making him stay away.

17

dragongirl, forgive me for being brutal, but sometimes the economic distance between couples can strain a relationship sorely particularily if money is equated with success.
Years ago, one of my dearest friend’s husband started making the big bucks.
Suddenly, he became condescending to my husband and I whenever we got together with them.
He was also quite rude to me more than once.
In order to preserve the friendship with her I made the effort to bite my tongue when we got together.
I also went out my my way to find things that she and * could do as mates rather than forcing the couple issue.
It worked out.
Ironically, he was laid off from the $$ job, lost his second job a year after he took it, and failed at starting his own business.
Having the stuffing knocked out of him has made him a much nicer, less arrogant human being.